Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

NEED marriage help.. UPDATE*

Posted by   + Show Post
I will have been married a year on the 11th of Febuary. I don't think our marriage should be like this ever, or better yet, be like this before we've even been married a year! I am a SAHM to our DD who is almost 11 months.


I am very interested in marriage. For a couple years now I've studied marriage, read books, taken classes all on marriage. And I felt/ feel pretty ready for anything marriage has to throw at me except this!


DH literally doesn't care. About anything. He doesn't care if I'm sad, upset, anything. He doesn't care at all. He says so. And it's my out of anger. It's almost like it makes sense to him. He takes care of himself, does what he wants, and I take care of myself, and NOT do what I want because I'm a SAHM to a baby whom I never am away from because I still mostly breastfeed. We don't argue over anything, EXCEPT this issue! He is selfish. He only cares about himself and he practically admits it. A book that I think is an amazing marriage book "the five love languages" is a book I've read several times and it doesn't help! I've tried to get DH to read it, because that's the problem, he won't love me and he doesn't care, because I basically need to work out my own problems. I've tried doing everything where I'm the perfect wife he doesn't nag and tries to follow his love languages that he'd never admit having, and it doesn't work. He acts like he's not interested in having a marriage at all! But he wants to be married, have sex every once in a while, and he's super against cheating and whatever. It's just, his ideal marriage, is being dedicated without doing anything. I have an empty love tank and he doesn't care at all.


I'm sorry i know I'm repeating myself, I just don't understand! I told him we should go to couseling and he told me I could if I wanted but he said e feels fine! What the hell is marriage? Doesn't that involve two people? Again, we havnt even been married a year yet.


Please don't tell me to leave him or whatever or screw him, he's stupid. I know already. But I can tell you right now it'll be a log time before I jut give up. I just want advice on how to fix my marriage. Not how to get out of it.



UDATE***

Thank you for all the good advice!

I wrote this a couple nights ago, on a night that was worse than usual.

We went to go out to dinner(baby too) and the car smelled strongly of smoke. Months ago he had promised he would stop smoking and burned up his cigars for me. Months ago like...this passed summer. So I was irritated. I know to some smoking isn't a big deal but it is to me. 2/3 people die BECAUSE they smoke. Anyways I asked him if he was just lying when he promised or what. And he just said he want to so he did. And kinda ignores what I was trying to get at. Anyways, I felt a little betrayed. Which lead to a discussion on everything else I've talked about. Never watching the baby, always playing video games. One thing kinda triggered everything else more badly than usual. And, as usual, he just said he basically does what he wants and doesn't care. I was very upset obviously. I still am. It wasn't the first time we've had this conversation. Probably won't be the last. But we were together 4 years before marriage and I know this isn't him. I have faith that it will get better with time and some effort.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 10:16 PM
Replies (21-30):
Pepe22
by Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:31 PM
I have actually tried this! It worked for a short period of time and then he stopped caring about my praise or something. I have no idea. And he apparently doesn't care out my "warnings" or if I threaten to not clean or have sex he acts like he doesn't care. Lol this dude literally acts like he doesn't care about me or anything I have to say at all.


Quoting geekymomoftwo:

Most men are naturally selfish... Ever try dog training... Sadly it works. Reward him with something he likes when he does something good, like his favorite treat or food. And sternly warn him when he does something bad. Don't yell at him or he'll just avoid you. I mean when he leaves the seat down on the toilet talk to him like you are disappointed in him. Most men hate disappointing their wives so it is a good way to warn them not to do something. Also I know it sounds stupid, but honestly praise him when he does something good and he will continue doing it. Say, "You made dinner! That is so great. I really appreciate it." He will continue making dinner just to get the praises!


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Pepe22
by Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:35 PM
1 mom liked this
We should try to go somewhere alone sometime I suppose. And don't worry, I won't stop bfing!


Quoting polkaspots:

Talk to him when he's in a good mood. Try getting a sitter so you can spend some quality time together. Please don't stop bfing just because you're having problems with your husband. The two aren't related.

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
oct1710
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:39 PM
1 mom liked this

 my husband was the same way and i felt as if he didnt want to be with me anymore i did everything i could to show him i loved him very much until one day i just started treating him the same way he treated me and three days later he asked me why i was acting so cold towards him and we talked about our issues and there were things he told me that bothered him that i would have never guessed and hes been make more of an effort to be there  anywho, maybe you should give him a taste of his own medicine???????

kaffedrikke
by Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:42 PM
2 moms liked this

Maybe you need to stop doing everything for him?  Let him see how difficult life will become once you stop warming his bed fixing his meals cleaning the house doing the laundry etc.  You may have to leave for a few weeks.  He isn't behaving the way a married man should, and begging him to change won't help. A severe dose of reality jus tmight.

veganistic
by Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:44 PM
So sad but true. I have to stop treating SO like a human so that i can get some changes too. this isn't easy for me though. I'm honest and I'm literal and it's really hard not to treat the man like a man, Even when he acts like a spoiled child.

Quoting geekymomoftwo:

Most men are naturally selfish... Ever try dog training... Sadly it works. Reward him with something he likes when he does something good, like his favorite treat or food. And sternly warn him when he does something bad. Don't yell at him or he'll just avoid you. I mean when he leaves the seat down on the toilet talk to him like you are disappointed in him. Most men hate disappointing their wives so it is a good way to warn them not to do something. Also I know it sounds stupid, but honestly praise him when he does something good and he will continue doing it. Say, "You made dinner! That is so great. I really appreciate it." He will continue making dinner just to get the praises!

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
veganistic
by Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:46 PM
Agreed, that was terrible advice!

Quoting Pepe22:

We should try to go somewhere alone sometime I suppose. And don't worry, I won't stop bfing!




Quoting polkaspots:

Talk to him when he's in a good mood. Try getting a sitter so you can spend some quality time together. Please don't stop bfing just because you're having problems with your husband. The two aren't related.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
AtiFreeFalls
by Bronze Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:46 PM

In my experience, women see their partners as being selfish when really they are just content.  He probably doesn't even register that you are truly, undeniably upset, hurt and frustrated.  He is happy with the marriage, and feels like everything is fine because all of his needs are being met. 

I have a husband who is REALLY easy to please, kind of like your's.  He likes for the house to be clean, for dinner to be made, for the kids to be happy and well behaved, but if those things don't happen for whatever reason, he's cool with that too.  He likes back rubs... but if I don't feel like it, he pouts for a second and then gets over it.  He is very slow to anger, very patient... but the negative side to all this is that when I feel like something isn't working between us he just flat out doesn't understand what I'm saying. It's like I'm speaking a different language.  Because he can't comprehend why I would be unhappy.  He is an easy keeper.  His love tank is always full because he needs so little.  Mine, on the other hand, has seemed in the past to be always empty, because as little as he needs, that's how little he gives. 

The things that finally helped me to ease the tension in our relationship were telling him exactly that, looking for ways that he does show me he cares and loves me instead of insisting he give me exactly what I think he should be doing and accepting that even with these flaws, he is still a better man than I ever expected to have.  I told him how I felt.  "I understand that you don't get why I need these things.  I know you love me, I know you care.  I know because you keep a job that brings you no joy so that you can provide for our family. I know because you care for our children.  I know because you want me to share your interests and you insist on giving me time away from the kids.  Now what I need is for you to make a little extra effort in showing me in other ways."  And then, when I feel like I need it, I ask him for something very specific.  NOT "I need you to make a romantic gesture".  Because he can't think of one.  I say "I need you to write me a note" or "I need you to bring me a small love gift" or "I need you to make the first move to have sex."

In short: be very specific.  Look for the positive and learn to interpret it as signs of his affection.  Accept that your marriage is not perfect and never will be.  Marriage is about having a companion and an anchor, not endless romance. 

It sounds like he needs to hear that you are truly NOT HAPPY.  And then he needs to be given a specific task or set of tasks to help you out of it.  And if he truly doesn't give two shits about your happiness and really honestly doesn't care, then he doesn't love you.  He doesn't care about you.  And I know you said you don't want to hear it, but if he is that heartless, he is a terrible example for your child.  Emotional neglect is in some ways as painful as emotional abuse.  Don't allow it and GTFO.

AtiFreeFalls
by Bronze Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:56 PM
1 mom liked this

 


Quoting SunnyDayz-Ahead:

I realllllly think you should end the bfing so you can get away from your baby once in a while. If you are this down and out about your marriage and have no "you" time it's gonna get a whole lot worse in a really short time....trust me....been there, done that. Life is too short. Good luck.

Life is too short to breastfeed your baby?  Lol.  I say childhood is too short to NOT breastfeed your baby!  Even I, who nurse my kids for YEARS feel like it goes by way too fast. It's hard sometimes, and sometimes it feels like you are a slave to the nutritional and snuggle requirements of a tiny taskmaster, but at 11 months, she can totally leave for an hour, two, three, maybe even four and get some "me" time without having to end the breastfeeding. 

 

emarin77
by Bronze Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 1:01 PM

Communicate with your husband.  Find time that both of you can sit down and listen to each other's needs/feelings.

CrazyLife1996
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 1:11 PM
Has he always been like this or just since you said "I DO "?
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)