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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

NEED marriage help.. UPDATE*

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I will have been married a year on the 11th of Febuary. I don't think our marriage should be like this ever, or better yet, be like this before we've even been married a year! I am a SAHM to our DD who is almost 11 months.


I am very interested in marriage. For a couple years now I've studied marriage, read books, taken classes all on marriage. And I felt/ feel pretty ready for anything marriage has to throw at me except this!


DH literally doesn't care. About anything. He doesn't care if I'm sad, upset, anything. He doesn't care at all. He says so. And it's my out of anger. It's almost like it makes sense to him. He takes care of himself, does what he wants, and I take care of myself, and NOT do what I want because I'm a SAHM to a baby whom I never am away from because I still mostly breastfeed. We don't argue over anything, EXCEPT this issue! He is selfish. He only cares about himself and he practically admits it. A book that I think is an amazing marriage book "the five love languages" is a book I've read several times and it doesn't help! I've tried to get DH to read it, because that's the problem, he won't love me and he doesn't care, because I basically need to work out my own problems. I've tried doing everything where I'm the perfect wife he doesn't nag and tries to follow his love languages that he'd never admit having, and it doesn't work. He acts like he's not interested in having a marriage at all! But he wants to be married, have sex every once in a while, and he's super against cheating and whatever. It's just, his ideal marriage, is being dedicated without doing anything. I have an empty love tank and he doesn't care at all.


I'm sorry i know I'm repeating myself, I just don't understand! I told him we should go to couseling and he told me I could if I wanted but he said e feels fine! What the hell is marriage? Doesn't that involve two people? Again, we havnt even been married a year yet.


Please don't tell me to leave him or whatever or screw him, he's stupid. I know already. But I can tell you right now it'll be a log time before I jut give up. I just want advice on how to fix my marriage. Not how to get out of it.



UDATE***

Thank you for all the good advice!

I wrote this a couple nights ago, on a night that was worse than usual.

We went to go out to dinner(baby too) and the car smelled strongly of smoke. Months ago he had promised he would stop smoking and burned up his cigars for me. Months ago like...this passed summer. So I was irritated. I know to some smoking isn't a big deal but it is to me. 2/3 people die BECAUSE they smoke. Anyways I asked him if he was just lying when he promised or what. And he just said he want to so he did. And kinda ignores what I was trying to get at. Anyways, I felt a little betrayed. Which lead to a discussion on everything else I've talked about. Never watching the baby, always playing video games. One thing kinda triggered everything else more badly than usual. And, as usual, he just said he basically does what he wants and doesn't care. I was very upset obviously. I still am. It wasn't the first time we've had this conversation. Probably won't be the last. But we were together 4 years before marriage and I know this isn't him. I have faith that it will get better with time and some effort.
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by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 10:16 PM
Replies (31-40):
Pepe22
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 1:12 PM
The marriage book that I like isn't about having a perfect marriage. I'm not looking for a perfect marriage, I'm looking for a marriage at all! Have you ever read the 5 love languages? It's just a Marriage counselor who wrote a book on how to show your love to different types of spouses. And he gives examples of marriages he has dealt with that are worse than mine by far. It's not about having a perfect marriage. It's just about how to love your spouse the best way possible. It's just that my husband doesn't seem to care about receiving love. Or giving it correctly either. When I say being the perfect wife I just mean cleaning and laundry and taking care of the baby and bein nice to him. And I don't feel like that's the wrong thing to do. But I do understand that's not getting me the results I want lol


Quoting la-cosa-nostra:

I think all the studying you did put you at a disadvantage because you are now trying to hard to have this "perfect" marriage that just doesn't exist.



I'd say stop over thinking it and stop trying to be the perfect wife. Just relax, be yourself and enjoy your family. It might just cause him to come around.

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AmberLee24
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 1:15 PM

Ok ready for this I'm a hypocrite it could be me talking to myself here. I basically push everything down just so I don't have to listen to my husband yell. The fact is I don't want to leave because I refuse to admit I made a mistake. Everyone has basically told me the same thing you're being told here go away for some you time if he follows lay down some rules if not maybe it isn't what you thought it was. It's just plain difficult to be in a relationship I sincerely hope you find the answer that is right for you and yours before you are so far in that you can't see a way to be happy.

nicole2884
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 1:24 PM
Could not agree more your probably so miserable because you believe your marriage should be like these books.
An you went on and on about how dh doesnt care but never once did you give examples as to why you feel this way what he exactly did

What isnt he doing an why aren't you telling him whats wrong an what you need

Does he not let you go do things

Stop trying so hard. Sounds like you may be half the reason your going so crazy

So what you breastfeed that means what your in jail you can still have a.life get one those covers

Find some play groups

Really not bashing you. Just wanted to give constructive criticism


Quoting SunnyDayz-Ahead:

I absolutely detest books about marriage...why..because all marriages are different and in all reality marriages are not meant to be lead with what is read but instead what is done/lived. To me reading a book about how a marriage works would be reading a book full of fairy tales but that's what I think. You made this post so I'm assuming you would realize there would be people being honest with you...here goes: I totally am not trying to be snarky either: I think you should stop reading all those books and tell him you want to seek out therapy...period and I realllllly think you should end the bfing so you can get away from your baby once in a while. If you are this down and out about your marriage and have no "you" time it's gonna get a whole lot worse in a really short time....trust me....been there, done that. Life is too short. Good luck.
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nicole2884
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 1:30 PM
Heres one of your problems an i mean this out of concern no judgement. Im by no means perfect

But threatening anything is not a good way to solve anything its childish an immature


Quoting Pepe22:

I have actually tried this! It worked for a short period of time and then he stopped caring about my praise or something. I have no idea. And he apparently doesn't care out my "warnings" or if I threaten to not clean or have sex he acts like he doesn't care. Lol this dude literally acts like he doesn't care about me or anything I have to say at all.




Quoting geekymomoftwo:

Most men are naturally selfish... Ever try dog training... Sadly it works. Reward him with something he likes when he does something good, like his favorite treat or food. And sternly warn him when he does something bad. Don't yell at him or he'll just avoid you. I mean when he leaves the seat down on the toilet talk to him like you are disappointed in him. Most men hate disappointing their wives so it is a good way to warn them not to do something. Also I know it sounds stupid, but honestly praise him when he does something good and he will continue doing it. Say, "You made dinner! That is so great. I really appreciate it." He will continue making dinner just to get the praises!


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furbabymum
by Gold Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 1:36 PM

 Excuse me? When did taking care of your child become optional. You, my dear, need to grow some balls.

Quoting Pepe22:

He would absolutely not let me leave him with the baby for a whole weekend let alone a day. So I'd have to get someone else to babysit and then my mini vacation would be miserable missing my baby and know that DH has friends at our apartment drinking and having a good old time without the wife he refuses to communicate with anyways.


Quoting 247beachbumz:

I agree w/destiny...maybe u need to go away for a wkend or week n see how he likes it.  I knw for a fac that counseling only works if BOTH parties are for it...if only one is n the other doesn't see anything wrong w/their behavior, it's not gonna work.  Look at his upbringing, as the other ladies have said....sit dwn n talk it out n if it leant wrk, I'd take a lil "me" vacation w/o him n baby n let him do ur job n see how he likes it.  Ur sanity and well being are important too....will pray for u


 

nicole2884
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 1:37 PM
I agree im dieing of laughter train man an praise him

Dh an i set up how things get done. He does xyz an i do abc an theres no. Questions on who does what an he isnt a dog im not gonna praise him he knows i appreciate him now i may say thanks for doing that but mostly i just randomly do sweet things for him

I truly hope you figure things out before its too late
But im completely convinced that those books have hindered you


Quoting furbabymum:

 OMG this made me laugh. I have that same philosophy about praise. I never critisize when he actually does something because I don't want to discourage the doing. lol


I'm just different because I give options instead of rewards. You can do A or you can do B. He's doing something though.


Quoting geekymomoftwo:


Most men are naturally selfish... Ever try dog training... Sadly it works. Reward him with something he likes when he does something good, like his favorite treat or food. And sternly warn him when he does something bad. Don't yell at him or he'll just avoid you. I mean when he leaves the seat down on the toilet talk to him like you are disappointed in him. Most men hate disappointing their wives so it is a good way to warn them not to do something. Also I know it sounds stupid, but honestly praise him when he does something good and he will continue doing it. Say, "You made dinner! That is so great. I really appreciate it." He will continue making dinner just to get the praises!


 

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Pepe22
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 1:38 PM
He doesn't care if I'm happy. He works 8 hours a day on weekdays, then comes home and plays video games or tv all night. When I try to talk to him he gets angry. When I balmy ask him if we can talk about something he will literally start making noise to drown me out. He says he feels fine and doesn't care, straight up. If I think something's wrong in suppose to work it out on my own, not talk to him.
I try to tell him exactly what I need and what's wrong. I don't play games. He just drowns me out and doesn't care. He wants to live his life how he wants. And doesn't want any rules. He lives like a single guy in an apartment and pays no attention to DD or I.
I don't have a car while he's at work. And when he's home I'm not aloud to take the car because it "wastes gas". And if ido go somewhere I have to take the baby. Not aloud to leave her with him
I don't have a problem with breastfeeding!I'm not complaining at all I love it and couldn't be happier that I'm giving that to my baby. It does tie me down a bit but like I said DH wouldnt watch her anyways.



Quoting nicole2884:

Could not agree more your probably so miserable because you believe your marriage should be like these books.

An you went on and on about how dh doesnt care but never once did you give examples as to why you feel this way what he exactly did



What isnt he doing an why aren't you telling him whats wrong an what you need



Does he not let you go do things



Stop trying so hard. Sounds like you may be half the reason your going so crazy



So what you breastfeed that means what your in jail you can still have a.life get one those covers



Find some play groups



Really not bashing you. Just wanted to give constructive criticism




Quoting SunnyDayz-Ahead:

I absolutely detest books about marriage...why..because all marriages are different and in all reality marriages are not meant to be lead with what is read but instead what is done/lived. To me reading a book about how a marriage works would be reading a book full of fairy tales but that's what I think. You made this post so I'm assuming you would realize there would be people being honest with you...here goes: I totally am not trying to be snarky either: I think you should stop reading all those books and tell him you want to seek out therapy...period and I realllllly think you should end the bfing so you can get away from your baby once in a while. If you are this down and out about your marriage and have no "you" time it's gonna get a whole lot worse in a really short time....trust me....been there, done that. Life is too short. Good luck.

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furbabymum
by Gold Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 1:42 PM

 My DH grew up with a phsycially and verbally abusive father. He had a lot of the same tendencies when we got married. He attempted to treat me like his father treated his mother. The difference, I don't take the crap. His father complains about his mothers cooking constantly. My DH tried that, I stopped cooking for a month. He doesn't complain anymore. He tries to place blame and such on me, I don't take it. Counseling helps of course but so does standing up for yourself. He can't treat you like such shit if you don't let him. Get some self respect!! The more you type about this guy the less I understand why you are with him. 

Quoting Pepe22:

He is exactly like his dad, and his dads wife did give herself up to the kingdom of domesticity. I'm practically forced into it. I don't freak out I calmly ask if we can talk and I never yell, I'm a quiet person... And he usually just literally drowns me out. He doesn't care about anything I have to say. He thinks I'm the crazy one for wanting a marriage. When actually his example of a marriage is whole life was this. Ive tried not cleaning and not doing his laundry but then he just treats me worse and acts like I'm worthless cuz he works mon-fri 8 hours a day working hard and I do nothing. So I end up doing it again.


Quoting AmberLee24:

I wouldn't give up on anything but I might change a few things. It seems from your post you have given up yourself to the kingdom of domesticity. There has to be something you did before the marriage and baby that made you happy.So find a way to get back to doing it you should compromise on things in marriage but not who you are and your happiness. If you don't have a strong you there can never be a strong marriage. Basically quit trying to be the perfect wife if he doesn't appreciate it he doesn't get it. If he isn't willing to work for the sex he doesn't get it. Find some friends around you and go out you shouldn't be at his beck and call at all times. Sometimes the spice in a relationship is the chase.


 

sleepymommy87
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 1:44 PM
This sounds like the past year of my marriage. I'm moving out next week as he has asked for a divorce and doesn't want to fight me for custody which I'm fine with. Some men just don't grow up, and you can't force them to love you. The sad part is that he does love me and our daughter, he just loves himself more and doesn't want to be trapped anymore. I'm so broken, it was like a punch in the stomach as I didn't expect it at all. I thought I just need to show him that i love him more, but really all he wants is just to be away from me. :(
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nicole2884
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 1:44 PM
well thats a completely different story if he is addicted to video games an doesn't do anything else i get that if he isnt willing to be in your relationship an wont go to counseling. Then there is nothing you can do but leave cant change a man who doesn't see the problem

Its just odd that you didn't see it coming wasn't he a gamer before


Quoting Pepe22:

He doesn't care if I'm happy. He works 8 hours a day on weekdays, then comes home and plays video games or tv all night. When I try to talk to him he gets angry. When I balmy ask him if we can talk about something he will literally start making noise to drown me out. He says he feels fine and doesn't care, straight up. If I think something's wrong in suppose to work it out on my own, not talk to him.

I try to tell him exactly what I need and what's wrong. I don't play games. He just drowns me out and doesn't care. He wants to live his life how he wants. And doesn't want any rules. He lives like a single guy in an apartment and pays no attention to DD or I.

I don't have a car while he's at work. And when he's home I'm not aloud to take the car because it "wastes gas". And if ido go somewhere I have to take the baby. Not aloud to leave her with him

I don't have a problem with breastfeeding!I'm not complaining at all I love it and couldn't be happier that I'm giving that to my baby. It does tie me down a bit but like I said DH wouldnt watch her anyways.






Quoting nicole2884:

Could not agree more your probably so miserable because you believe your marriage should be like these books.


An you went on and on about how dh doesnt care but never once did you give examples as to why you feel this way what he exactly did





What isnt he doing an why aren't you telling him whats wrong an what you need





Does he not let you go do things





Stop trying so hard. Sounds like you may be half the reason your going so crazy





So what you breastfeed that means what your in jail you can still have a.life get one those covers





Find some play groups





Really not bashing you. Just wanted to give constructive criticism






Quoting SunnyDayz-Ahead:

I absolutely detest books about marriage...why..because all marriages are different and in all reality marriages are not meant to be lead with what is read but instead what is done/lived. To me reading a book about how a marriage works would be reading a book full of fairy tales but that's what I think. You made this post so I'm assuming you would realize there would be people being honest with you...here goes: I totally am not trying to be snarky either: I think you should stop reading all those books and tell him you want to seek out therapy...period and I realllllly think you should end the bfing so you can get away from your baby once in a while. If you are this down and out about your marriage and have no "you" time it's gonna get a whole lot worse in a really short time....trust me....been there, done that. Life is too short. Good luck.

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