Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

NEED marriage help.. UPDATE*

Posted by   + Show Post
I will have been married a year on the 11th of Febuary. I don't think our marriage should be like this ever, or better yet, be like this before we've even been married a year! I am a SAHM to our DD who is almost 11 months.


I am very interested in marriage. For a couple years now I've studied marriage, read books, taken classes all on marriage. And I felt/ feel pretty ready for anything marriage has to throw at me except this!


DH literally doesn't care. About anything. He doesn't care if I'm sad, upset, anything. He doesn't care at all. He says so. And it's my out of anger. It's almost like it makes sense to him. He takes care of himself, does what he wants, and I take care of myself, and NOT do what I want because I'm a SAHM to a baby whom I never am away from because I still mostly breastfeed. We don't argue over anything, EXCEPT this issue! He is selfish. He only cares about himself and he practically admits it. A book that I think is an amazing marriage book "the five love languages" is a book I've read several times and it doesn't help! I've tried to get DH to read it, because that's the problem, he won't love me and he doesn't care, because I basically need to work out my own problems. I've tried doing everything where I'm the perfect wife he doesn't nag and tries to follow his love languages that he'd never admit having, and it doesn't work. He acts like he's not interested in having a marriage at all! But he wants to be married, have sex every once in a while, and he's super against cheating and whatever. It's just, his ideal marriage, is being dedicated without doing anything. I have an empty love tank and he doesn't care at all.


I'm sorry i know I'm repeating myself, I just don't understand! I told him we should go to couseling and he told me I could if I wanted but he said e feels fine! What the hell is marriage? Doesn't that involve two people? Again, we havnt even been married a year yet.


Please don't tell me to leave him or whatever or screw him, he's stupid. I know already. But I can tell you right now it'll be a log time before I jut give up. I just want advice on how to fix my marriage. Not how to get out of it.



UDATE***

Thank you for all the good advice!

I wrote this a couple nights ago, on a night that was worse than usual.

We went to go out to dinner(baby too) and the car smelled strongly of smoke. Months ago he had promised he would stop smoking and burned up his cigars for me. Months ago like...this passed summer. So I was irritated. I know to some smoking isn't a big deal but it is to me. 2/3 people die BECAUSE they smoke. Anyways I asked him if he was just lying when he promised or what. And he just said he want to so he did. And kinda ignores what I was trying to get at. Anyways, I felt a little betrayed. Which lead to a discussion on everything else I've talked about. Never watching the baby, always playing video games. One thing kinda triggered everything else more badly than usual. And, as usual, he just said he basically does what he wants and doesn't care. I was very upset obviously. I still am. It wasn't the first time we've had this conversation. Probably won't be the last. But we were together 4 years before marriage and I know this isn't him. I have faith that it will get better with time and some effort.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 10:16 PM
Replies (41-50):
Pepe22
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 1:44 PM
1 mom liked this
This is amazing advice! Thank you so much! I very much understand what your saying, and it makes sense, it sounds like my husband exactly. I know he loves me. But he is obviously easily pleased. Thank you though, best advice so far!


Quoting AtiFreeFalls:

In my experience, women see their partners as being selfish when really they are just content.  He probably doesn't even register that you are truly, undeniably upset, hurt and frustrated.  He is happy with the marriage, and feels like everything is fine because all of his needs are being met. 

I have a husband who is REALLY easy to please, kind of like your's.  He likes for the house to be clean, for dinner to be made, for the kids to be happy and well behaved, but if those things don't happen for whatever reason, he's cool with that too.  He likes back rubs... but if I don't feel like it, he pouts for a second and then gets over it.  He is very slow to anger, very patient... but the negative side to all this is that when I feel like something isn't working between us he just flat out doesn't understand what I'm saying. It's like I'm speaking a different language.  Because he can't comprehend why I would be unhappy.  He is an easy keeper.  His love tank is always full because he needs so little.  Mine, on the other hand, has seemed in the past to be always empty, because as little as he needs, that's how little he gives. 

The things that finally helped me to ease the tension in our relationship were telling him exactly that, looking for ways that he does show me he cares and loves me instead of insisting he give me exactly what I think he should be doing and accepting that even with these flaws, he is still a better man than I ever expected to have.  I told him how I felt.  "I understand that you don't get why I need these things.  I know you love me, I know you care.  I know because you keep a job that brings you no joy so that you can provide for our family. I know because you care for our children.  I know because you want me to share your interests and you insist on giving me time away from the kids.  Now what I need is for you to make a little extra effort in showing me in other ways."  And then, when I feel like I need it, I ask him for something very specific.  NOT "I need you to make a romantic gesture".  Because he can't think of one.  I say "I need you to write me a note" or "I need you to bring me a small love gift" or "I need you to make the first move to have sex."

In short: be very specific.  Look for the positive and learn to interpret it as signs of his affection.  Accept that your marriage is not perfect and never will be.  Marriage is about having a companion and an anchor, not endless romance. 

It sounds like he needs to hear that you are truly NOT HAPPY.  And then he needs to be given a specific task or set of tasks to help you out of it.  And if he truly doesn't give two shits about your happiness and really honestly doesn't care, then he doesn't love you.  He doesn't care about you.  And I know you said you don't want to hear it, but if he is that heartless, he is a terrible example for your child.  Emotional neglect is in some ways as painful as emotional abuse.  Don't allow it and GTFO.


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Pepe22
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 1:53 PM
I haven't ever full out threatened him lol he would be very angry if I did. I have jokingly told him I wasn't going to have sex with him if bla bla bla but he just laughs an says okay I'll just find someone else then( obviously he wouldn't but if I was being serious he would respond the same way. Threatening is pointless with him and I've known that from the start. I have praised him though when he has done good things. He just doesn't love the praise all that much I guess?


Quoting nicole2884:

Heres one of your problems an i mean this out of concern no judgement. Im by no means perfect



But threatening anything is not a good way to solve anything its childish an immature




Quoting Pepe22:

I have actually tried this! It worked for a short period of time and then he stopped caring about my praise or something. I have no idea. And he apparently doesn't care out my "warnings" or if I threaten to not clean or have sex he acts like he doesn't care. Lol this dude literally acts like he doesn't care about me or anything I have to say at all.






Quoting geekymomoftwo:

Most men are naturally selfish... Ever try dog training... Sadly it works. Reward him with something he likes when he does something good, like his favorite treat or food. And sternly warn him when he does something bad. Don't yell at him or he'll just avoid you. I mean when he leaves the seat down on the toilet talk to him like you are disappointed in him. Most men hate disappointing their wives so it is a good way to warn them not to do something. Also I know it sounds stupid, but honestly praise him when he does something good and he will continue doing it. Say, "You made dinner! That is so great. I really appreciate it." He will continue making dinner just to get the praises!



Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Pepe22
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:02 PM
I need to grow balls? I'm confused. R u saying I should now my DH watch DD? Lol he loves our daughter but not like I do. He apparently dislikes babies intensely. He can't handle the crying it makes him angry because he can't comprehend that they just don't understand. So he refuses to wtch her. Even so I can take a shower. He plays video games while I shower an Evelyne sits and cries by the bathroom door cuz daddy is glued to the tv. One of his major flaws. He's always been good with children. Children love him. But he isn't even close to a baby person. He doesn't want another kid because of the baby stage that goes by so freaking fast. Ugh.


Quoting furbabymum:

 Excuse me? When did taking care of your child become optional. You, my dear, need to grow some balls.


Quoting Pepe22:

He would absolutely not let me leave him with the baby for a whole weekend let alone a day. So I'd have to get someone else to babysit and then my mini vacation would be miserable missing my baby and know that DH has friends at our apartment drinking and having a good old time without the wife he refuses to communicate with anyways.



Quoting 247beachbumz:


I agree w/destiny...maybe u need to go away for a wkend or week n see how he likes it.  I knw for a fac that counseling only works if BOTH parties are for it...if only one is n the other doesn't see anything wrong w/their behavior, it's not gonna work.  Look at his upbringing, as the other ladies have said....sit dwn n talk it out n if it leant wrk, I'd take a lil "me" vacation w/o him n baby n let him do ur job n see how he likes it.  Ur sanity and well being are important too....will pray for u



 


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
furbabymum
by Gold Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:11 PM

 I just can't imagine. I just can't. I can't imagine being ok with my DH not taking care of his responsibilites as a father. Most men don't like babies. They aren't that much fun. That doesn't change the fact that it took both of us to make it and he's damn well going to help with the rest of it too. Why does he get to shirk his responsibilites while you do everything? Why can't you enjoy a hot shower without your baby screaming? He can put down the video game remote and pick up his baby. YOU can make him. If he refuses....well I know what I'd do. I'm not some slave and I deserve the same respect I give my DH. If he's not willing to give it to me than I'm not willing to stay married to him. You are selling yourself short. Worse, you are selling your DD short along with your DH.

Our DS is 2 now. He's a lot more (and less let's face it 2 year olds are terrible!) fun to be around. But did you see that word I used first? OUR. Not MY but OUR.

Quoting Pepe22:

I need to grow balls? I'm confused. R u saying I should now my DH watch DD? Lol he loves our daughter but not like I do. He apparently dislikes babies intensely. He can't handle the crying it makes him angry because he can't comprehend that they just don't understand. So he refuses to wtch her. Even so I can take a shower. He plays video games while I shower an Evelyne sits and cries by the bathroom door cuz daddy is glued to the tv. One of his major flaws. He's always been good with children. Children love him. But he isn't even close to a baby person. He doesn't want another kid because of the baby stage that goes by so freaking fast. Ugh.


Quoting furbabymum:

 Excuse me? When did taking care of your child become optional. You, my dear, need to grow some balls.


Quoting Pepe22:

He would absolutely not let me leave him with the baby for a whole weekend let alone a day. So I'd have to get someone else to babysit and then my mini vacation would be miserable missing my baby and know that DH has friends at our apartment drinking and having a good old time without the wife he refuses to communicate with anyways.



Quoting 247beachbumz:


I agree w/destiny...maybe u need to go away for a wkend or week n see how he likes it.  I knw for a fac that counseling only works if BOTH parties are for it...if only one is n the other doesn't see anything wrong w/their behavior, it's not gonna work.  Look at his upbringing, as the other ladies have said....sit dwn n talk it out n if it leant wrk, I'd take a lil "me" vacation w/o him n baby n let him do ur job n see how he likes it.  Ur sanity and well being are important too....will pray for u



 


 

Pepe22
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:13 PM
Actually funny you should say that. No he wasn't a gamer before. Not at all. He grew up in the country and so did I. He was crazy about guns and hunting and liked to crisply do stuff. That was before he had a job, but he didn't even have a game system. When he hits a job this past June. We moved into an apartment in the city which he hates. And he's tired when he gets home from work so he says. And "there's nothing else to do" becuz we are in town. So now we have a ps3 and have Netflix and thTs all he does. Totally the opposite of himself before we were married. Hes miserable in town and he's miserable because he didn't get to follow his dream to be in the marines.( which his dad was too). He didn't join because we got pregnant with DD unplanned. He didn't want children yet. I think he partly blames me for him not joining cuz I was never a fan of the idea.


Quoting nicole2884:

well thats a completely different story if he is addicted to video games an doesn't do anything else i get that if he isnt willing to be in your relationship an wont go to counseling. Then there is nothing you can do but leave cant change a man who doesn't see the problem



Its just odd that you didn't see it coming wasn't he a gamer before




Quoting Pepe22:

He doesn't care if I'm happy. He works 8 hours a day on weekdays, then comes home and plays video games or tv all night. When I try to talk to him he gets angry. When I balmy ask him if we can talk about something he will literally start making noise to drown me out. He says he feels fine and doesn't care, straight up. If I think something's wrong in suppose to work it out on my own, not talk to him.


I try to tell him exactly what I need and what's wrong. I don't play games. He just drowns me out and doesn't care. He wants to live his life how he wants. And doesn't want any rules. He lives like a single guy in an apartment and pays no attention to DD or I.


I don't have a car while he's at work. And when he's home I'm not aloud to take the car because it "wastes gas". And if ido go somewhere I have to take the baby. Not aloud to leave her with him


I don't have a problem with breastfeeding!I'm not complaining at all I love it and couldn't be happier that I'm giving that to my baby. It does tie me down a bit but like I said DH wouldnt watch her anyways.









Quoting nicole2884:

Could not agree more your probably so miserable because you believe your marriage should be like these books.



An you went on and on about how dh doesnt care but never once did you give examples as to why you feel this way what he exactly did







What isnt he doing an why aren't you telling him whats wrong an what you need







Does he not let you go do things







Stop trying so hard. Sounds like you may be half the reason your going so crazy







So what you breastfeed that means what your in jail you can still have a.life get one those covers







Find some play groups







Really not bashing you. Just wanted to give constructive criticism








Quoting SunnyDayz-Ahead:

I absolutely detest books about marriage...why..because all marriages are different and in all reality marriages are not meant to be lead with what is read but instead what is done/lived. To me reading a book about how a marriage works would be reading a book full of fairy tales but that's what I think. You made this post so I'm assuming you would realize there would be people being honest with you...here goes: I totally am not trying to be snarky either: I think you should stop reading all those books and tell him you want to seek out therapy...period and I realllllly think you should end the bfing so you can get away from your baby once in a while. If you are this down and out about your marriage and have no "you" time it's gonna get a whole lot worse in a really short time....trust me....been there, done that. Life is too short. Good luck.


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
AtiFreeFalls
by Bronze Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:16 PM

Okay, I'm reading this and thinking "Why does she use the word 'allowed' so much?"

And then it hit me.  You feel like he is in charge.  What he says goes, am I right?  You are a grown woman, why else would he get the final say in whether you take the car, speak your mind, have some time without the baby?  It seems like neither of you respect YOU as an autonomous adult.  You have to take responsibility here.  If you wanted to take the car, how could he stop you?  Only if he was willing to be abusive and lay hands on you is how.  You seem uncomfortable in having any power in the relationship.  Were your parents domineering?  Are you much younger than him?

Have you actually asked him to watch the baby?  Said "I'm really needing some time off, I'm going to go out for a couple of hours, here's a list of things the baby might need"?  Perhaps he is not understanding your cues because you are not being direct and take-charge about it. 

No man "allows" you to do anything.  You are a grown woman.  You don't need his permission to take the car.  You don't need his permission to tell him how you feel or take a break from the baby. 

Woman up, yo.  Own your actions.  It's not his fault if you don't take the car.  And if he really won't watch the baby then he is not worth your trouble.


Quoting Pepe22:

He doesn't care if I'm happy. He works 8 hours a day on weekdays, then comes home and plays video games or tv all night. When I try to talk to him he gets angry. When I balmy ask him if we can talk about something he will literally start making noise to drown me out. He says he feels fine and doesn't care, straight up. If I think something's wrong in suppose to work it out on my own, not talk to him.
I try to tell him exactly what I need and what's wrong. I don't play games. He just drowns me out and doesn't care. He wants to live his life how he wants. And doesn't want any rules. He lives like a single guy in an apartment and pays no attention to DD or I.
I don't have a car while he's at work. And when he's home I'm not aloud to take the car because it "wastes gas". And if ido go somewhere I have to take the baby. Not aloud to leave her with him
I don't have a problem with breastfeeding!I'm not complaining at all I love it and couldn't be happier that I'm giving that to my baby. It does tie me down a bit but like I said DH wouldnt watch her anyways.



Quoting nicole2884:

Could not agree more your probably so miserable because you believe your marriage should be like these books.

An you went on and on about how dh doesnt care but never once did you give examples as to why you feel this way what he exactly did



What isnt he doing an why aren't you telling him whats wrong an what you need



Does he not let you go do things



Stop trying so hard. Sounds like you may be half the reason your going so crazy



So what you breastfeed that means what your in jail you can still have a.life get one those covers



Find some play groups



Really not bashing you. Just wanted to give constructive criticism




Quoting SunnyDayz-Ahead:

I absolutely detest books about marriage...why..because all marriages are different and in all reality marriages are not meant to be lead with what is read but instead what is done/lived. To me reading a book about how a marriage works would be reading a book full of fairy tales but that's what I think. You made this post so I'm assuming you would realize there would be people being honest with you...here goes: I totally am not trying to be snarky either: I think you should stop reading all those books and tell him you want to seek out therapy...period and I realllllly think you should end the bfing so you can get away from your baby once in a while. If you are this down and out about your marriage and have no "you" time it's gonna get a whole lot worse in a really short time....trust me....been there, done that. Life is too short. Good luck.


 

Pepe22
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:20 PM
I couldn't agree more. I've asked for respect, I've told him I need respect. Straight up. He just doesn't give me any. he basically says no. I can't make him do anything. I've tried. It just makes him rebel against what I want even more. He doesn't want to be bossed around by a woman. I've always told him he comes from a very sexist family. He just doesn't realize it. I just can't leave though. First of all we are in my dads apartment, we don't have to pay rent just utilities. I completely rely DH. I have no money or job. I think he likes it that way. I'm going to be starting schooling soon to be a rn midwife, but it'll be a few years before I'm no longer dependant on him.


Quoting furbabymum:

 I just can't imagine. I just can't. I can't imagine being ok with my DH not taking care of his responsibilites as a father. Most men don't like babies. They aren't that much fun. That doesn't change the fact that it took both of us to make it and he's damn well going to help with the rest of it too. Why does he get to shirk his responsibilites while you do everything? Why can't you enjoy a hot shower without your baby screaming? He can put down the video game remote and pick up his baby. YOU can make him. If he refuses....well I know what I'd do. I'm not some slave and I deserve the same respect I give my DH. If he's not willing to give it to me than I'm not willing to stay married to him. You are selling yourself short. Worse, you are selling your DD short along with your DH.


Our DS is 2 now. He's a lot more (and less let's face it 2 year olds are terrible!) fun to be around. But did you see that word I used first? OUR. Not MY but OUR.


Quoting Pepe22:

I need to grow balls? I'm confused. R u saying I should now my DH watch DD? Lol he loves our daughter but not like I do. He apparently dislikes babies intensely. He can't handle the crying it makes him angry because he can't comprehend that they just don't understand. So he refuses to wtch her. Even so I can take a shower. He plays video games while I shower an Evelyne sits and cries by the bathroom door cuz daddy is glued to the tv. One of his major flaws. He's always been good with children. Children love him. But he isn't even close to a baby person. He doesn't want another kid because of the baby stage that goes by so freaking fast. Ugh.



Quoting furbabymum:


 Excuse me? When did taking care of your child become optional. You, my dear, need to grow some balls.



Quoting Pepe22:

He would absolutely not let me leave him with the baby for a whole weekend let alone a day. So I'd have to get someone else to babysit and then my mini vacation would be miserable missing my baby and know that DH has friends at our apartment drinking and having a good old time without the wife he refuses to communicate with anyways.




Quoting 247beachbumz:



I agree w/destiny...maybe u need to go away for a wkend or week n see how he likes it.  I knw for a fac that counseling only works if BOTH parties are for it...if only one is n the other doesn't see anything wrong w/their behavior, it's not gonna work.  Look at his upbringing, as the other ladies have said....sit dwn n talk it out n if it leant wrk, I'd take a lil "me" vacation w/o him n baby n let him do ur job n see how he likes it.  Ur sanity and well being are important too....will pray for u




 



 


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Pepe22
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:33 PM
Actually is was only been after we got married. But we were only married a month before DD arrived so idk how much of it had to do with her but I think it was mostly after we had DD and he got his job in June.


Quoting CrazyLife1996:

Has he always been like this or just since you said "I DO "?

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
CrazyLife1996
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:38 PM
What are his parents like?


Quoting Pepe22:

Actually is was only been after we got married. But we were only married a month before DD arrived so idk how much of it had to do with her but I think it was mostly after we had DD and he got his job in June.




Quoting CrazyLife1996:

Has he always been like this or just since you said "I DO "?


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Jerzymom
by Bronze Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:39 PM

 May I ask a question?.... was he this way before you were married?

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN