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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

NEED marriage help.. UPDATE*

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I will have been married a year on the 11th of Febuary. I don't think our marriage should be like this ever, or better yet, be like this before we've even been married a year! I am a SAHM to our DD who is almost 11 months.


I am very interested in marriage. For a couple years now I've studied marriage, read books, taken classes all on marriage. And I felt/ feel pretty ready for anything marriage has to throw at me except this!


DH literally doesn't care. About anything. He doesn't care if I'm sad, upset, anything. He doesn't care at all. He says so. And it's my out of anger. It's almost like it makes sense to him. He takes care of himself, does what he wants, and I take care of myself, and NOT do what I want because I'm a SAHM to a baby whom I never am away from because I still mostly breastfeed. We don't argue over anything, EXCEPT this issue! He is selfish. He only cares about himself and he practically admits it. A book that I think is an amazing marriage book "the five love languages" is a book I've read several times and it doesn't help! I've tried to get DH to read it, because that's the problem, he won't love me and he doesn't care, because I basically need to work out my own problems. I've tried doing everything where I'm the perfect wife he doesn't nag and tries to follow his love languages that he'd never admit having, and it doesn't work. He acts like he's not interested in having a marriage at all! But he wants to be married, have sex every once in a while, and he's super against cheating and whatever. It's just, his ideal marriage, is being dedicated without doing anything. I have an empty love tank and he doesn't care at all.


I'm sorry i know I'm repeating myself, I just don't understand! I told him we should go to couseling and he told me I could if I wanted but he said e feels fine! What the hell is marriage? Doesn't that involve two people? Again, we havnt even been married a year yet.


Please don't tell me to leave him or whatever or screw him, he's stupid. I know already. But I can tell you right now it'll be a log time before I jut give up. I just want advice on how to fix my marriage. Not how to get out of it.



UDATE***

Thank you for all the good advice!

I wrote this a couple nights ago, on a night that was worse than usual.

We went to go out to dinner(baby too) and the car smelled strongly of smoke. Months ago he had promised he would stop smoking and burned up his cigars for me. Months ago like...this passed summer. So I was irritated. I know to some smoking isn't a big deal but it is to me. 2/3 people die BECAUSE they smoke. Anyways I asked him if he was just lying when he promised or what. And he just said he want to so he did. And kinda ignores what I was trying to get at. Anyways, I felt a little betrayed. Which lead to a discussion on everything else I've talked about. Never watching the baby, always playing video games. One thing kinda triggered everything else more badly than usual. And, as usual, he just said he basically does what he wants and doesn't care. I was very upset obviously. I still am. It wasn't the first time we've had this conversation. Probably won't be the last. But we were together 4 years before marriage and I know this isn't him. I have faith that it will get better with time and some effort.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 10:16 PM
Replies (61-70):
furbabymum
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 5:17 PM

 A-fucking-men. Shoo I'm glad someone else thinks like me.

Quoting AtiFreeFalls:

What. A. Prick.

When you are in a marriage, and you love someone, you don't treat them like they are beneath you.  That's woman's work?  Uh, no.  That's parents' work, and he is a parent.  It's HIS money and HIS car?  No.  That stuff belongs to both of you. 

I'm "just a SAHM" too.  My husband has never considered it HIS money.  He considers it OUR money.  He earns it, but I pay all the bills, do all of the financial planning.  He bought the car.  But it's every bit as much mine as it is his.  He earns all the money that pays for our house, but my name is on the deed right beside his.  We share responsibility and power in everything.  I am more responsible than he for some things, him more than me for others, but it all equals out and in the end, everything we have is collectively OURS. 

He has no right to treat you like a pet.  I can't believe you want to stay with such a chauvanistic, immature, irresponsible, controlling jerk.  You have to see how wrong this is.  You say you realize more and more that you can't do anything?  You are completely wrong.  You are being more and more oppressed, denegrated and he is convincing you more and more that you are worthless.  And you're not.  This is the cycle of an abusive relationship, this is what happens to women who stay in bad marriages.  Pretty soon they really CAN'T do anything for themselves, because they have alienated all their support systems.  They can't get out even if they want to because their family told them over and over again from the beginning that bad things were happening and they ignored it until the family gave up.  And then when they really have had enough they don't have anyone to fall back on.

You have to stop putting up with that shit.  Seriously.  Either he gets his ducks in a row or you get the hell out of there because you are teaching your daughter that women are worthless as anything but barefoot and pregnant.

 

Quoting Pepe22:

He is only 3 weeks older than me. Yes I have asked. He feels like he is much better than me and in charge because he makes the money and it's "HIS" car. He doesn't want me to waste His gas. I have become more and more dependent and I probably act like he's in charge more because the longer the marriage goes on the more I discover I can't do anything. It's hard to go out with friends when you have a baby. every time I have gone out it's with DD. And it's hard. This passed weekend he went on a 3 day trip with his father that is a god who beat DH as a child and he still worships him. Anyways he went on an ice fishing trip for 3 days. He at least left me with the car and 100 bucks. But when I tried going out it was miserable. I just wanted to o shoppIng but DD gets tired and I end up carrying her instead of pushing her in the cart and shes heavy! Lol it's hard to do things alone with a baby. And I know it's not right that he never watches the baby but he says this and I quote "thTs woman's work" . So my job is 24/7 and his is 8 hours five days a week. Doesn't make any sense. But since I dot make my own money or have a job or anything I am purely just a SAHM.


 

alaskadreams
by Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 7:30 PM

I would say read the book- "Women who love too much"  I am in the same place as you.  I've been married just over a year and have a 13 month old with DH.  I have been in therapy for other reasons and I was told to read that book. Not saying that you should leave or anything, but it is a really good read to see things different and then help to change how you react.  Also see if he'll do so therapy with you.

GELiz
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 8:26 PM

HI dear. YOu sound like you are talking about my husband. They do not want to read our books. They think we are trying to change them. We are trying to get them to understand us- they won't. You won't win this by trying to make him understand. He loves you he thinks.

I read a book called boundaries in marriage by Dr.s Cloud and Townsend that changed my life. My husband still does not do all of the things I wish he would do. But I have learned to listen to his love language and translate it into what he is trying to say to me. I reward him when he gets it right, but I do not tell him anymore when he gets it wrong, becasue that only made him go inot his cave more. But I did tell him that I was going to stop trying so hard to please him if he wasn't willing to try to please me. I made some boundaries so that I did not feel like I was always the one trying to please.

That was 35 years ago. We have a really wonderful marriage. IT is not my ideal and it is not his ideal. But it works and he has grown up so much in those years. Men are better with age. So hang in there, ask for what you want. Allow him to say no. Don't kill yourself trying to please him. Allow him to ask for some thing and allow yourself to say no.

YOu can say, I am not feeling very loved tonight because you haven't even talked to me all day, so I think I'll put off sex until tomorrow. Maybe I will feel more loved tomorrow.

See what happens.

I would encourage you to go for some counseling by yourself. You can at least get to the point where you can give him the freedom to be exactly who he is, and you can get to the place where you feel free to be exactly who you are.

Hugs. I remember going through these exact things, and life is soooooo much better now.

Pepe22
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 10:37 PM
Thank you! Very good advice!


Quoting GELiz:

HI dear. YOu sound like you are talking about my husband. They do not want to read our books. They think we are trying to change them. We are trying to get them to understand us- they won't. You won't win this by trying to make him understand. He loves you he thinks.

I read a book called boundaries in marriage by Dr.s Cloud and Townsend that changed my life. My husband still does not do all of the things I wish he would do. But I have learned to listen to his love language and translate it into what he is trying to say to me. I reward him when he gets it right, but I do not tell him anymore when he gets it wrong, becasue that only made him go inot his cave more. But I did tell him that I was going to stop trying so hard to please him if he wasn't willing to try to please me. I made some boundaries so that I did not feel like I was always the one trying to please.

That was 35 years ago. We have a really wonderful marriage. IT is not my ideal and it is not his ideal. But it works and he has grown up so much in those years. Men are better with age. So hang in there, ask for what you want. Allow him to say no. Don't kill yourself trying to please him. Allow him to ask for some thing and allow yourself to say no.

YOu can say, I am not feeling very loved tonight because you haven't even talked to me all day, so I think I'll put off sex until tomorrow. Maybe I will feel more loved tomorrow.

See what happens.

I would encourage you to go for some counseling by yourself. You can at least get to the point where you can give him the freedom to be exactly who he is, and you can get to the place where you feel free to be exactly who you are.

Hugs. I remember going through these exact things, and life is soooooo much better now.


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Mommy7497
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 11:02 PM

I'm sorry you are going thru this fortunately mine isn't like that at all but I think is because my fil is a great dad and husband so mine turned out great. I think if you love him you shouldn't give up on your marriage. They are right about marriage counseling if he doesnt want it or think he needs it it will do you no good. Talk to him and if needed like one of the moms said leave for a night or even the weekend to a hotel if he goes looking for you that means he cares if he doesn't then there's some decisions you are going to have to make best of luck!!!

Lindalou907
by Silver Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 5:03 AM

I'm in a mood where I say if it's this bad now, and you don't feel loved, then get out, people rarely change. Go home to your mom and pick a better man next time.

BannerElkHogans
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 7:50 AM

u married a rock...........an you should have gone thru the regular things married people do before their hitched..........moving in together an going to marriage counseling.....an shug to be honest ...........no 1 can change your situation but you ...you can stay an be miserable an resent the hell out of him later or leave .....

okijet
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 8:09 AM

 


Quoting polkaspots:

Talk to him when he's in a good mood. Try getting a sitter so you can spend some quality time together. Please don't stop bfing just because you're having problems with your husband. The two aren't related.

I was bfing and it was what I did, I was mom the "mom", he was doing his part.   All of a sudden he up and says...  ''HERE!  Go now to the store!  Come on!! ( I'm bfing, and he's going on and on .....)   Here!!! TAKE THIS!!  **A whole $20, totally , wow. **

TAKE THIS NOW and go get blah, blah, at the store, and hurry back !  I need this and don't say later, or say I had not slept, blah, blah, (and I didn't sleep, he kept me up previously all week each night like a dominating horror movie)
Then..... he gives me the $20, I say I'm bfing and wait,..... I'll go in 2 hr.s when I'm more awake, and I couldn't really get my voice to even work right, I was so awful tired.

So by now he's screaming, (remember baby is bfing, and right there!!!!!!!

So I think to myself do I really need him at all???

I know.  Men.  WTH, seriously?  I am so ready to leave once a week, but still he is seeing what a dick he's been this whole time.  Even with food shopping he'll get useless, crappy cheap food from stuff I'd say is never choiced or planned.   I put alot of purpose and thought into meal planning, not ......just get it done, greaseball "bs food. " 

Miller0305
by Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 8:13 AM
You can't save a marriage if the other person doesn't care. How long we're you together before getting married?
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okijet
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 8:17 AM

 It's a cycle.  My mom passed it to us, we stayed, and got helpless.  Their are classes and counseling but it's the same entitlement each time the way the woman goes back, and the man is entitled, or the man will say to you,....there's people (ladies.) that live under a bridge or are homeless that would really love to stay here. 

So in the end we're just all compared to being homeless people.  (SMH

They don't value us, and the reason other women ARE homeless is due to controlling asses that ship out their own wives they never took serious and always took for granted.

I have nothing else to say to you!! ( my spouses favorite comeback line


Quoting furbabymum:

 A-fucking-men. Shoo I'm glad someone else thinks like me.

Quoting AtiFreeFalls:

What. A. Prick.

When you are in a marriage, and you love someone, you don't treat them like they are beneath you.  That's woman's work?  Uh, no.  That's parents' work, and he is a parent.  It's HIS money and HIS car?  No.  That stuff belongs to both of you. 

I'm "just a SAHM" too.  My husband has never considered it HIS money.  He considers it OUR money.  He earns it, but I pay all the bills, do all of the financial planning.  He bought the car.  But it's every bit as much mine as it is his.  He earns all the money that pays for our house, but my name is on the deed right beside his.  We share responsibility and power in everything.  I am more responsible than he for some things, him more than me for others, but it all equals out and in the end, everything we have is collectively OURS. 

He has no right to treat you like a pet.  I can't believe you want to stay with such a chauvanistic, immature, irresponsible, controlling jerk.  You have to see how wrong this is.  You say you realize more and more that you can't do anything?  You are completely wrong.  You are being more and more oppressed, denegrated and he is convincing you more and more that you are worthless.  And you're not.  This is the cycle of an abusive relationship, this is what happens to women who stay in bad marriages.  Pretty soon they really CAN'T do anything for themselves, because they have alienated all their support systems.  They can't get out even if they want to because their family told them over and over again from the beginning that bad things were happening and they ignored it until the family gave up.  And then when they really have had enough they don't have anyone to fall back on.

You have to stop putting up with that shit.  Seriously.  Either he gets his ducks in a row or you get the hell out of there because you are teaching your daughter that women are worthless as anything but barefoot and pregnant.

 

Quoting Pepe22:

He is only 3 weeks older than me. Yes I have asked. He feels like he is much better than me and in charge because he makes the money and it's "HIS" car. He doesn't want me to waste His gas. I have become more and more dependent and I probably act like he's in charge more because the longer the marriage goes on the more I discover I can't do anything. It's hard to go out with friends when you have a baby. every time I have gone out it's with DD. And it's hard. This passed weekend he went on a 3 day trip with his father that is a god who beat DH as a child and he still worships him. Anyways he went on an ice fishing trip for 3 days. He at least left me with the car and 100 bucks. But when I tried going out it was miserable. I just wanted to o shoppIng but DD gets tired and I end up carrying her instead of pushing her in the cart and shes heavy! Lol it's hard to do things alone with a baby. And I know it's not right that he never watches the baby but he says this and I quote "thTs woman's work" . So my job is 24/7 and his is 8 hours five days a week. Doesn't make any sense. But since I dot make my own money or have a job or anything I am purely just a SAHM.


 


 

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