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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

NEED marriage help.. UPDATE*

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I will have been married a year on the 11th of Febuary. I don't think our marriage should be like this ever, or better yet, be like this before we've even been married a year! I am a SAHM to our DD who is almost 11 months.


I am very interested in marriage. For a couple years now I've studied marriage, read books, taken classes all on marriage. And I felt/ feel pretty ready for anything marriage has to throw at me except this!


DH literally doesn't care. About anything. He doesn't care if I'm sad, upset, anything. He doesn't care at all. He says so. And it's my out of anger. It's almost like it makes sense to him. He takes care of himself, does what he wants, and I take care of myself, and NOT do what I want because I'm a SAHM to a baby whom I never am away from because I still mostly breastfeed. We don't argue over anything, EXCEPT this issue! He is selfish. He only cares about himself and he practically admits it. A book that I think is an amazing marriage book "the five love languages" is a book I've read several times and it doesn't help! I've tried to get DH to read it, because that's the problem, he won't love me and he doesn't care, because I basically need to work out my own problems. I've tried doing everything where I'm the perfect wife he doesn't nag and tries to follow his love languages that he'd never admit having, and it doesn't work. He acts like he's not interested in having a marriage at all! But he wants to be married, have sex every once in a while, and he's super against cheating and whatever. It's just, his ideal marriage, is being dedicated without doing anything. I have an empty love tank and he doesn't care at all.


I'm sorry i know I'm repeating myself, I just don't understand! I told him we should go to couseling and he told me I could if I wanted but he said e feels fine! What the hell is marriage? Doesn't that involve two people? Again, we havnt even been married a year yet.


Please don't tell me to leave him or whatever or screw him, he's stupid. I know already. But I can tell you right now it'll be a log time before I jut give up. I just want advice on how to fix my marriage. Not how to get out of it.



UDATE***

Thank you for all the good advice!

I wrote this a couple nights ago, on a night that was worse than usual.

We went to go out to dinner(baby too) and the car smelled strongly of smoke. Months ago he had promised he would stop smoking and burned up his cigars for me. Months ago like...this passed summer. So I was irritated. I know to some smoking isn't a big deal but it is to me. 2/3 people die BECAUSE they smoke. Anyways I asked him if he was just lying when he promised or what. And he just said he want to so he did. And kinda ignores what I was trying to get at. Anyways, I felt a little betrayed. Which lead to a discussion on everything else I've talked about. Never watching the baby, always playing video games. One thing kinda triggered everything else more badly than usual. And, as usual, he just said he basically does what he wants and doesn't care. I was very upset obviously. I still am. It wasn't the first time we've had this conversation. Probably won't be the last. But we were together 4 years before marriage and I know this isn't him. I have faith that it will get better with time and some effort.
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by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 10:16 PM
Replies (71-80):
okijet
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 8:20 AM

 


Quoting okijet:

 

 

Quoting polkaspots:

Talk to him when he's in a good mood. Try getting a sitter so you can spend some quality time together. Please don't stop bfing just because you're having problems with your husband. The two aren't related.

I was bfing and it was what I did, I was mom the "mom", he was doing his part.   All of a sudden he up and says...  ''HERE!  Go now to the store!  Come on!! ( I'm bfing, and he's going on and on .....)   Here!!! TAKE THIS!!  **A whole $20, totally , wow. **

TAKE THIS NOW and go get blah, blah, at the store, and hurry back !  I need this and don't say later, or say I had not slept, blah, blah, (and I didn't sleep, he kept me up previously all week each night like a dominating horror movie)
Then..... he gives me the $20, I say I'm bfing and wait,..... I'll go in 2 hr.s when I'm more awake, and I couldn't really get my voice to even work right, I was so awful tired.

So by now he's screaming, (remember baby is bfing, and right there!!!!!!!

So I think to myself do I really need him at all???

I know.  Men.  WTH, seriously?  I am so ready to leave once a week, but still he is seeing what a dick he's been this whole time.  Even with food shopping he'll get useless, crappy cheap food from stuff I'd say is never choiced or planned.   I put alot of purpose and thought into meal planning, not ......just get it done, greaseball "bs food. " 

and then he'll take the kids out, (like I want to be with the control freak in a car, not) and pay cash acting all superior and entitled.  

OH  *rolls eyes*   (thinking what else is changed

 

Kayla-Kay
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 8:27 AM
I've learned that the answers to marriage cannot be found in a marriage self help book.

My advice is to throw out those books and get a sitter for your baby. Pump milk if you can and spend some alone time with your husband.

Dress up for him do something out of nowhere for him men are finicky creatures and most are not in touch with their emotional side.

I will be married 3 years in June I've learned that marriage is work and it's always changing however the first year is always always always the toughest.

I've also learned that I can't change my husband however I can change me and as soon as my husband saw the way that I was acting he started to change himself too
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okijet
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 8:30 AM

It's a no brainer if you ask the man.  THey just don't care.  Period.  Don't talk to them, let them figure it out by themself.  Leave them, after you clean the entire house, leave a note that you aren't sure when you're coming back, and you may need a year or two to get yourself back to even a start point of normal.

Then... do just that.  Improve.  Just don't go and then not go through with the plan.  See guys,men, big babys don't understand when we give THEM attention. and,.not.us.   They would see it as a huge bridge without pillars, when we don't want to improve, but they aren't going to do that part.  If my d/h died now, I'd have to work, and leave my children home with nobody.  They won't know what to do when I can't wake up from being tired from work each and every day.  So it's a trap we still need a father figure to be there when we work, right?

247beachbumz
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 8:38 AM

How is he gna stop u if u jst leave w/baby while he's at work? He's not....o u jst need to leave cuz ur goin to ge more n more resentful towards him, especially since he doesn't seem to give a rats azz bout u or the marriage...n by ur other replies, ur mil is useless too....if u knew he wuz like this n like his father, why did u marry him? Jst gna pray for u...hope it works out w/or w/o him....ur happiness is important too, n only u can make that happen

Megan11587
by Megan on Jan. 31, 2013 at 8:42 AM
I think you need to realize that there is no set ideal of what a marriage should be. Every marriage is different. That being said, he can't neglect your feelings. I would suggest going out to dinner at a nice restaurant so you guys can talk. I suggest the restaurant because it will make you both keep your emotions in check. If that fails, I would suggest counseling.
okijet
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 8:54 AM

 We tried that dinnner thing, and the counseling. 

"Um,  nom, nom nom.... hm.  No eye contact,..wall,...nom, nom, nom.  Eats. Leaves.

I paid for dinner what more do you want!  (he says

You.... and this was the night we planned together?  So what is together for? nothing.God.


Quoting Megan11587:

I think you need to realize that there is no set ideal of what a marriage should be. Every marriage is different. That being said, he can't neglect your feelings. I would suggest going out to dinner at a nice restaurant so you guys can talk. I suggest the restaurant because it will make you both keep your emotions in check. If that fails, I would suggest counseling.


 

Megan11587
by Megan on Jan. 31, 2013 at 8:57 AM

I don't know.  It sounds like he isn't interested in making it work, and unfortunately, you can't do it on your own.  It takes both partners to make a marriage.  I would tell him that you are unhappy and that he needs to help change things or you can't do it anymore.

Quoting okijet:

 We tried that dinnner thing, and the counseling. 

"Um,  nom, nom nom.... hm.  No eye contact,..wall,...nom, nom, nom.  Eats. Leaves.

I paid for dinner what more do you want!  (he says

You.... and this was the night we planned together?  So what is together for? nothing.God.


Quoting Megan11587:

I think you need to realize that there is no set ideal of what a marriage should be. Every marriage is different. That being said, he can't neglect your feelings. I would suggest going out to dinner at a nice restaurant so you guys can talk. I suggest the restaurant because it will make you both keep your emotions in check. If that fails, I would suggest counseling.




grownsexy
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:01 AM

Sometimes you think that you are being the perfect wife when you really aren't. The problem is you are a mom and a wife at the same time. You have an infant. A lot of times the man is not very mature and they are jealous of the time and the attention the infants gets. A lot of time even though breast feeding is good the guy is turned off by all of this time and attention on the child. A lot of people don't like to admit it but children don't always bring couples close like people say it does. A baby sometimes is the start of some issues

Things will get better with patience and time. Keep talking to your husband about how you feel. Find a trust worthy baby sitter and set up a date night. Get some bottles store your breast milk and start getting into your man like before you were married with a kid. Whatever you do keep up the spark and it takes work and some creativity. Start weening the baby and communicate. He hears you even if he acts like he don't,

okijet
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:05 AM

 But that's a lame answer to him,, he'll just say I didn't appreciate all the smoothies this year. ( he did do that, and I WAS appreciative. )  but he's disabled and cannot take care of our kids, they take care of him and always did.  He drives.a car.  If not, he'd be hooked up to i.v's 24/7.   He says that he's not going to live long. (famous line of his life.

I am not dealing with it today, except for this thread.  Nothing out there fixes it.  I'd need a headstart HERE to get work, and get out, and then still he'd have to sit them while I worked.  He KNOWS he can't do it.  He'd jjust have some lame female come here to ......*replace...what I did already for this long.

He doesn't get it.  I do so much and he just gripes at the tiniest little thing, he cannot even put on his own socks. ever.  It really does damage a person's view of life 15 yrs in a streak of that .   No pay, and no choice to shop,  he gets junkfood, and cheap lame disgusting greasy burgers.

My son is acting out not taking care of himself and looking like a greaser, saying he has bloody urine now.


Quoting Megan11587:

I don't know.  It sounds like he isn't interested in making it work, and unfortunately, you can't do it on your own.  It takes both partners to make a marriage.  I would tell him that you are unhappy and that he needs to help change things or you can't do it anymore.

Quoting okijet:

 We tried that dinnner thing, and the counseling. 

"Um,  nom, nom nom.... hm.  No eye contact,..wall,...nom, nom, nom.  Eats. Leaves.

I paid for dinner what more do you want!  (he says

You.... and this was the night we planned together?  So what is together for? nothing.God.

 

Quoting Megan11587:

I think you need to realize that there is no set ideal of what a marriage should be. Every marriage is different. That being said, he can't neglect your feelings. I would suggest going out to dinner at a nice restaurant so you guys can talk. I suggest the restaurant because it will make you both keep your emotions in check. If that fails, I would suggest counseling.

 

 



 

collegegrad2008
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:09 AM

Seriously I do not understand why many men are so selfish. Of course they know that we are not their mothers and we are their wives but they seem to treat their wives like a lady they sleep with who is like their mom...UM no hubs I am your wife and we are a partnership regardless if I stay at home or not. Maybe you need to talk to him in a different way? Come at it as it you two are on a team and you need him to be a team player or you will lose the game! He may be a little more understanding ? Good luck! 

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