Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

NEED marriage help.. UPDATE*

Posted by   + Show Post
I will have been married a year on the 11th of Febuary. I don't think our marriage should be like this ever, or better yet, be like this before we've even been married a year! I am a SAHM to our DD who is almost 11 months.


I am very interested in marriage. For a couple years now I've studied marriage, read books, taken classes all on marriage. And I felt/ feel pretty ready for anything marriage has to throw at me except this!


DH literally doesn't care. About anything. He doesn't care if I'm sad, upset, anything. He doesn't care at all. He says so. And it's my out of anger. It's almost like it makes sense to him. He takes care of himself, does what he wants, and I take care of myself, and NOT do what I want because I'm a SAHM to a baby whom I never am away from because I still mostly breastfeed. We don't argue over anything, EXCEPT this issue! He is selfish. He only cares about himself and he practically admits it. A book that I think is an amazing marriage book "the five love languages" is a book I've read several times and it doesn't help! I've tried to get DH to read it, because that's the problem, he won't love me and he doesn't care, because I basically need to work out my own problems. I've tried doing everything where I'm the perfect wife he doesn't nag and tries to follow his love languages that he'd never admit having, and it doesn't work. He acts like he's not interested in having a marriage at all! But he wants to be married, have sex every once in a while, and he's super against cheating and whatever. It's just, his ideal marriage, is being dedicated without doing anything. I have an empty love tank and he doesn't care at all.


I'm sorry i know I'm repeating myself, I just don't understand! I told him we should go to couseling and he told me I could if I wanted but he said e feels fine! What the hell is marriage? Doesn't that involve two people? Again, we havnt even been married a year yet.


Please don't tell me to leave him or whatever or screw him, he's stupid. I know already. But I can tell you right now it'll be a log time before I jut give up. I just want advice on how to fix my marriage. Not how to get out of it.



UDATE***

Thank you for all the good advice!

I wrote this a couple nights ago, on a night that was worse than usual.

We went to go out to dinner(baby too) and the car smelled strongly of smoke. Months ago he had promised he would stop smoking and burned up his cigars for me. Months ago like...this passed summer. So I was irritated. I know to some smoking isn't a big deal but it is to me. 2/3 people die BECAUSE they smoke. Anyways I asked him if he was just lying when he promised or what. And he just said he want to so he did. And kinda ignores what I was trying to get at. Anyways, I felt a little betrayed. Which lead to a discussion on everything else I've talked about. Never watching the baby, always playing video games. One thing kinda triggered everything else more badly than usual. And, as usual, he just said he basically does what he wants and doesn't care. I was very upset obviously. I still am. It wasn't the first time we've had this conversation. Probably won't be the last. But we were together 4 years before marriage and I know this isn't him. I have faith that it will get better with time and some effort.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 10:16 PM
Replies (81-90):
aimhawk
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:33 AM

I just don't understand how you could marry a person who doesn't love you or show you compassion and affection... Like why go through with it?

Pepe22
by Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 12:08 PM
4 years. And he has emotions(to someone else who said he is a rock) he completely changed after the baby. He also didn't graduate from highschool which put him down a bit. He had lost all motivation to do so when it was decided he shouldn't join the marines(his dream). And I graduated with flying colors, I don't think that made him very happy. Just becuz it made him feel like less of a man or something. Anyways, I've seem him cry( even though he tries to hide it). His mom always told me he was by far her most emotional child(he has two sisters). I'm hoping this is just a phase. He's young.
He cried our wedding day. Right after the ceremony. Not becuz he was sad lol im just saying he secretly has emotion. He loves our DD and I. He just sad that his life isn't his dream life in the marines lol. He didn't want children this early on.


Quoting Miller0305:

You can't save a marriage if the other person doesn't care. How long we're you together before getting married?

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
merryvoice
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 1:45 PM
I know it's easy to say "just leave," but it's not always so easy. Especially if you're as dedicated as you are. I don't know if my advice could really be counted as advice, but here's what I have to say. When I first got married, we also had our issues. We very nearly divorced but were able to work things out. For the most part I think people don't change, but change definitely is possible. It could happen tomorrow, two months from now or even two years from now. Perhaps never. Just don't let it change you for the worse. When you find yourself becoming someone you're not, someone you never thought you'd be, I would say that's the time to leave. You have done all you can and you know you did the right thing. I wish you the best of luck.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
divinemomma
by Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 2:45 PM

It is definitely worth the effort. Even though it seems like he is not putting much effort into your marriage now, but he may start to come around. I applaud you for doing your research and reading up on marriage. Unfortunately a lot of married people like your hubby don't put that much effort into it. I love to read advice for marriage. It can have it challenges. I will PM you some good books and mags to read. Try this leave some of the readingmaterial aorund the house, even in the bathroom. Many guys will read in there as they have time.

SassyLaLa85
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 2:59 PM

Good luck, men are a hard thing to figure out.

lazyd
by Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 4:52 PM

Sorry, but I guess i dont agree with you here.  Good Luck if you are willing to stick it out.  BUT i wouldnt waste my time.  Once men are like this - they DO NOT CHANGE!  BUT if you want to continue living miserably and constantly upset.....than that is your choice.  You can blame him for everything else but your stupidity.  He is using you - do you like to be used?   

kaisermama
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 6:06 PM

i somewhat understand. my dh and i have been married for going on 5 years in july and together for 7 years... he has promised SO many times that he will quit smoking and he hasn't...not even tried. he doesn't help with the kids unless i tell him exactly what to do and when.... its not like i have someone walking me through everything. i never get to do anything without the kids unless its when he wants to get a babysitter and we go out or something... he won't wake up at night and he doesn't clean the house even when i ask him to do something... im a SAHM and i love it but at times i need some help and a break... not to mention he always wants sex lke on a daily basis and i don't. and when im  nice and give in he just askes for more like hes never satisfied... i don't know how to give you advise when i need it too.... :(

GELiz
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 7:16 PM



Quoting okijet:



Quoting polkaspots:

Talk to him when he's in a good mood. Try getting a sitter so you can spend some quality time together. Please don't stop bfing just because you're having problems with your husband. The two aren't related.

I was bfing and it was what I did, I was mom the "mom", he was doing his part.   All of a sudden he up and says...  ''HERE!  Go now to the store!  Come on!! ( I'm bfing, and he's going on and on .....)   Here!!! TAKE THIS!!  **A whole $20, totally , wow. **

TAKE THIS NOW and go get blah, blah, at the store, and hurry back !  I need this and don't say later, or say I had not slept, blah, blah, (and I didn't sleep, he kept me up previously all week each night like a dominating horror movie)
Then..... he gives me the $20, I say I'm bfing and wait,..... I'll go in 2 hr.s when I'm more awake, and I couldn't really get my voice to even work right, I was so awful tired.

So by now he's screaming, (remember baby is bfing, and right there!!!!!!!

So I think to myself do I really need him at all???

I know.  Men.  WTH, seriously?  I am so ready to leave once a week, but still he is seeing what a dick he's been this whole time.  Even with food shopping he'll get useless, crappy cheap food from stuff I'd say is never choiced or planned.   I put alot of purpose and thought into meal planning, not ......just get it done, greaseball "bs food. " 

OH this sounds like abuse to me. I would leave until he changed how he was acting. This stuff in blue print is abuse.


bunnywzrd
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 7:23 PM

Sociopath?  http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

bunnywzrd
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 7:29 PM

He can still join tha marines if there is no problems preventing him from doing so. If he is this miserable I would rather my husband be gone and happy than with me and miserable.


Quoting Pepe22:

4 years. And he has emotions(to someone else who said he is a rock) he completely changed after the baby. He also didn't graduate from highschool which put him down a bit. He had lost all motivation to do so when it was decided he shouldn't join the marines(his dream). And I graduated with flying colors, I don't think that made him very happy. Just becuz it made him feel like less of a man or something. Anyways, I've seem him cry( even though he tries to hide it). His mom always told me he was by far her most emotional child(he has two sisters). I'm hoping this is just a phase. He's young.
He cried our wedding day. Right after the ceremony. Not becuz he was sad lol im just saying he secretly has emotion. He loves our DD and I. He just sad that his life isn't his dream life in the marines lol. He didn't want children this early on.


Quoting Miller0305:

You can't save a marriage if the other person doesn't care. How long we're you together before getting married?



(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")
This is Bunny. Copy and paste him into your signature to help him gain world domination.
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)