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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

NEED marriage help.. UPDATE*

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I will have been married a year on the 11th of Febuary. I don't think our marriage should be like this ever, or better yet, be like this before we've even been married a year! I am a SAHM to our DD who is almost 11 months.


I am very interested in marriage. For a couple years now I've studied marriage, read books, taken classes all on marriage. And I felt/ feel pretty ready for anything marriage has to throw at me except this!


DH literally doesn't care. About anything. He doesn't care if I'm sad, upset, anything. He doesn't care at all. He says so. And it's my out of anger. It's almost like it makes sense to him. He takes care of himself, does what he wants, and I take care of myself, and NOT do what I want because I'm a SAHM to a baby whom I never am away from because I still mostly breastfeed. We don't argue over anything, EXCEPT this issue! He is selfish. He only cares about himself and he practically admits it. A book that I think is an amazing marriage book "the five love languages" is a book I've read several times and it doesn't help! I've tried to get DH to read it, because that's the problem, he won't love me and he doesn't care, because I basically need to work out my own problems. I've tried doing everything where I'm the perfect wife he doesn't nag and tries to follow his love languages that he'd never admit having, and it doesn't work. He acts like he's not interested in having a marriage at all! But he wants to be married, have sex every once in a while, and he's super against cheating and whatever. It's just, his ideal marriage, is being dedicated without doing anything. I have an empty love tank and he doesn't care at all.


I'm sorry i know I'm repeating myself, I just don't understand! I told him we should go to couseling and he told me I could if I wanted but he said e feels fine! What the hell is marriage? Doesn't that involve two people? Again, we havnt even been married a year yet.


Please don't tell me to leave him or whatever or screw him, he's stupid. I know already. But I can tell you right now it'll be a log time before I jut give up. I just want advice on how to fix my marriage. Not how to get out of it.



UDATE***

Thank you for all the good advice!

I wrote this a couple nights ago, on a night that was worse than usual.

We went to go out to dinner(baby too) and the car smelled strongly of smoke. Months ago he had promised he would stop smoking and burned up his cigars for me. Months ago like...this passed summer. So I was irritated. I know to some smoking isn't a big deal but it is to me. 2/3 people die BECAUSE they smoke. Anyways I asked him if he was just lying when he promised or what. And he just said he want to so he did. And kinda ignores what I was trying to get at. Anyways, I felt a little betrayed. Which lead to a discussion on everything else I've talked about. Never watching the baby, always playing video games. One thing kinda triggered everything else more badly than usual. And, as usual, he just said he basically does what he wants and doesn't care. I was very upset obviously. I still am. It wasn't the first time we've had this conversation. Probably won't be the last. But we were together 4 years before marriage and I know this isn't him. I have faith that it will get better with time and some effort.
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by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 10:16 PM
Replies (91-100):
foran
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 8:14 PM
Most men are ediots i really mean that there are some that has commonsense there some that has to hit rock bottom lose everything before they see themsekves as selfish ediots im praying for yoy girl its hard ive been there myself i prayed then i sat down and talk it out with him pray to GOD let him guide you on what to do and those marriage books arent very gelpful if its not oytting GOD first trust me put GOD first and everthing will come to gether
goodluck
im praying for you both
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belleher90
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 8:27 PM

 it sounds like hes being very passive............soo either something is wrong and he wont tell u or he just really doesnt care and just wants u around cause its conveinient......ur like a perfect roomate...but that shouldnt be a marriage......a marriage is sooo much more then that.....tell him that ur not gonna settle to be the wife he is just gonna ignore.....and just act like u will leave even tho u wont but just act like it and maybe it will open his eyes......and if he still doesnt care that u will leave then theres ur answere......

SlightlyPerfect
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Ugliness and worthlessness, when combined, will only produce failure.
Yesterday at 10:16 AM
by Slightly Perfect on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:02 PM

Something's up with him, and he's not telling you. No one who is remotely rational has a spouse, makes a baby, and then says "Eh, fuck it."

slightlyperfect

tracy211
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:03 PM

It doesn't  help if it's the other way around either.  My hubby was in a family where the women take care of the men.  He never did any chores inside the house or anything.  Now when we got married he expected me to take care of him like his mommy.  He married the wrong gal for that!  He's gotten better over our 16 years of marriage, but he's still pretty selfish.  He expects me to do 99% of the housework, even though i'm working full time now.  I do the budget, but if i don't give him $ when he wants it for whatever he wants, he gets really pissed.

The only advice i have is to don't nag but be patient.  It might take him 16 years, but he'll eventually get at least a little bit better!  LOL  Sorry, that's about all i've got. 

Quoting destinyangl21:

My DH and I had this issue before we got married.Let me tell you, we got into very very big fights over his "selfish" issue many many times. I mean he spent 1000 on a gun the same day that I paid for the deposit of on our wedding reception! I was livid!

I'm not making any excuses for his behavior don't get me wrong, but did your DH have a healthy relationship with his mother or did he have to take care of himself?

See my MIL didn't really take care of my DH @ all, so he was basically left to fend for himself. His whole mentality is/was "I gotta take care of myself and my needs first..." It got so bad for me that I ended up walking out and staying at a hotel for the night. He ended up showing up at the hotel room I was staying in and begged me, on his hands and knees to come back home. After that he made a complete 180....



Autiziumom
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:46 PM
I'm so sorry to hear this! I'm going through a time with my husband where there is no affection from him. He thinks I can go a whole day with just one kiss or a little hug. I'm not that kind of person. I like to b very affectionant. I wish I could talk to him about it but he doesn't. Want to hear it!
blackbeauty39
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 11:15 AM

in marriage it takes two to make it work. if you are doing all you can to be the best wife you know how to be yet he is unwilling to meet you half way then all your efforts are in vein. dealing with selfish people they only want what they want and disregard anybody else who doesn't go along with their way of life. there is nothing you can do to change your husband no matter how much you express your thoughts and opinions it doesn't seem to register with him why because like you said yourself he is selfish. He has to want to change for the sake of your marriage. until he sees that his way is hurting you and your child he won't change. the only thing you are doing is causing yourself more heartache and misery.  Men respond to three things. Pain, consequenses and reward. if you want him to stop what he is doing such as smoking around you and the baby then tell him if that doesn't work stop going places with him until he learns to take his cigarettes outside or where ever that is not around you two. that is not a hard thing to do. if he doesnt care how it effects you then why should you continue to fight for a marriage that this man obviously does not want. when a man truly loves his woman, there is nothing he would not do for her to make her happy.  you asked for advice on how to fix your marriage not how to get out of it. my advice is to start loving yourself and your child. giving up is not an easy thing to do but sometimes its necessary in order to be happy. your husband obviously does not care how you feel, does nothing for you and continues doing what he wants to do why would you want to be with a man like that?  Until he's willing to change you cant fix this on your own and you can talk until your run out of words to say. you can't make this man love you.  it's just not going to happen, so either love yourself and move on or continue to stay and be miserable in which you will have no one to blame but yourself if you stay and allow yourself to be treated in such a disrespectful manner.

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Feb. 1, 2013 at 11:18 AM

 Well don't have any more kids with him will ya. The relationship pattern you are modeling for the kid you have is unhealthy enough. Why you think so little of yourself and your child is beyond me.

KyrinM
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 12:03 PM

If the effort is all one sided, then I am sorry, it won't get better.  He needs a wake up call.  As long as there is no consequences for just doing whatever he wants with no regards to you & your child, then it won't work.  He isn't single anymore, if he wants to act single, then I would say fine, be single & move out.  I know you don't want to leave him, but if he isn't willing to be a part of this marriage, as in a full partner, then you don't have a marriage anyway, you have a roommate who uses you for sex when it suits him.  Fuck that shit, you & your child deserve better than that.  I wouldn't even talk to him about it anymore, just move out, when he comes looking for you, tell him, when you are ready to grow up & be a husband & father, let me know.  Seriously, I would not tolerate this behavior at all.

247beachbumz
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 1:24 PM

So what happened 4 yrs before u got married that turned him into such an inconsiderate ass?

1stTimeMom1982
by Bronze Member on Feb. 2, 2013 at 12:16 PM
Sounds like you guys need counseling and date nights with time away from your little one. I know you said he's not into counseling so I hope he changes his mind in the future.
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