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we r talking about seperation *update 2

Posted by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 10:16 AM
  • 16 Replies
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Last night my dh and I were talking and started talking about a seperation. We r both unhappy in this marriage and we have 3 small children together. Ever since he has been home since his accident he says he has had time to think. He says that we rushed into this and it has been 11 yrs. He says he didn't have a chance to do all he wanted before marriage and kids. We were in our early 20s when we married. He says he needs a break and do him. Let's get real here buddy I don't get to do me ever cause I alwayshave my kids. Maybe a separation is what we need. We fight more than we get along, don't do anything together, have nothing in common anymore. I just don't know what to do or where to start. I am a sahm and I have no money or any place to go with three kids. I am about to lose it here and cry.


So when I got back home from my friends house dh and I talked some more. I am not 100% sure what is going to happen yet here but all he said was that he can't put me and the kids out of the house cause it isnt right for the kids to leave their home. See here is the deal with the house it is in his name not mine so I know he won't leave it. Ok so he also said that maybe we should keep our distance from each other. He says that he just wants the kids to be happy. I am so confused. I am not understanding him right now

*update 2*

After we went to bed last night he wanted to talk yet again. He is constantly telling me that we were rushed into things. We moved too fast. We didn't really know each other and when we moved in with each other. Than two yrs later we got married (pretty much forced by his father) than after marriage I found out I was preg 5 months later. When first dd was 18 months he bought a house for us, when she was 5 we had dd number 2 and when dd 2 was 6 months old we found out I was preg again with dd 3. Now after everything and 11 yrs he wants to tell me things were rushed. Wtf...I am so emotionally hurt and my heart hurts real bad. So what he is telling me is everything we went through in 11 yrs was a mistake. Of course I am going to be mad and become hostile. I don't think of it all being a mistake. I am at the end of my rope now. I cant handle being told it was a mistake one more time. I know he says he won't make me and the kids leave but at this point I feel I have no other choice but to pack me and the kids up and go. Don't know where we will go or how we will survive but I will figure it out I guess.
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by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 10:16 AM
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by Silver Member on Feb. 1, 2013 at 10:21 AM

what an immature ass he is. He made those kids and he needs to forget about doing everything he didnt get to do. You need to start job hunting momma. then start putting your plan to do it alone. I'm sorry momma.

by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 10:27 AM
He made those kids too so I'd start by telling him that if he needs him time than he better watch the kids so you can have you time first. If you're going to separate take that time to really think things through and don't rush out and look for someone else to fill his place. Big hugs!!
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by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 10:33 AM

Oh my he is selfish! He shoud've thought about that before getting married and help make 3 children. Let him go and get his butt for child support..I bet he'll come running back soon.

by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 11:04 AM
First, if it will make you feel better then cry it out! It's ok to cry. Second, talk to family or close friends and see if anyone can help you out till you get on your feet. Find a job and take small steps from there.

Take a deep breath hun. You can do this and you will! You are stronger than you think.
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by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 11:10 AM
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 Why do people act like life is over when you have kids. I still do almost everything I did before kids.

To me you both need some counseling. You can reconnect, etc but it'll take both of you working hard to get there. I married at 18. I didn't have the "party" lifestyle. I didn't want it either. It's easy to think the grass is greener but it usually isn't. To implode his children's lives because he's romantisized being single is rather ridiculous. He wouldn't be "free" anyway. He'd still be paying for and caring for his kids. Might be good for you though. While he had visitation you'd finally get "me" time.

by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 11:11 AM
Just what kinds of things didn't he get to do that he cant do now? Sleep with other women is all i can think of. If i were you and you decide to separate, i would make it clear that there is to be no dating. A separation is time for you both to be thinking about your marriage. Dating will only distract from that! Good luck to you:)
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 11:14 AM

Oh he wants to do him. Let him go and do him, I don't believe in holding someone hostage in a situation they are not happy in. He took care of you guys during the marriage so that you can be a stay at home mom. Don't sit down and get run over by a mat truck see what your rights are. I would see if you can get some type of legal advice. If he is not abusing you tell him to give you time to find a job. You are living together unhappily anyway so whats the rush.

While you are looking for a job go and apply for food stamps and childcare. I would start looking for daycare centers and pricing them. This is not the time to act helpless. Put on your  big girl pants and get busy looking out for yourself and your kids. Tell him find he need some me time then he needs to go to court and file for divorce. Let him take care of lawyer expenses plus pay alimony and child support. This is the best time for him to leave because you don't have a job. Let him leave, but not without making a clean break. The reason for the clean break is because then he is free to pursue what he wants and you are as well. If he just leaves without papers then you get nothing and you will have to chase him to take care of his kids. He could beg and plead all he wants I would go to the courts and put a child support order on him. Don't let him walk out that house swinging his arms like he has know responsibility.

I would show him me time. If you had an extra car I would tell him I am going to the store and would not be back for a week. Sometimes people don't know how you feel until you show them. This is not the time to feel sorry for yourself, do that later. You have babies to take care of so pull yourself together and come up with a plan girl. Tell him he could find himself right in court helping you take care of those kids. At this point he is not the catch of the day with an ex wife to pay and three kids.

by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 11:38 AM

marriage is easy to get into but very hard to maintain. communication is what the two of you need to have to find out what brought you to this point.  although you married young there had to be something there for you to get married. if you just married for the sake of the children then talk about that. talk about whatever just talk! In my experience when a man tells you he needs a break and do him means he wants to venture out and experience other women and relationships. if that's the case then there is nothing you can do to stop him, and if he does leave let it be a one way ticket out the door. because if you let him go and he returns then he will get it in his mind that he can do it again so it will be like a revolving door marriage with him leaving when times get tough and that is no way to live. More than that think about what this will do to your children.  the issues parents go through effects the kids in ways you would not imagine.  Talk openly and honestly with each other, listen to eachother and see if you two can't come to an understanding. If he still wants to walk let him walk! All marraigaes are not ordained by God so this could be a blessing if he wants to go and do him as he told you. Hopefully you two can learn to communicate and work thigs out. if you decide not to be together he should still take care of his children becauase they did not ask to be born.  good luck with everything.

by Casey on Feb. 1, 2013 at 11:46 AM
Well, my advice is to not just separate, but legally separate. Make him pay you child support and a stipend until you get a job, and set up a custody agreement. And make it legal! Don't just agree to it, get it in writing and file it with the court.
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by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 11:54 AM
I have only been married going on 3 years. We have 2 children, one almost 2, the other will be 4 months any day now. We talked about divorce, almost a year ago now, but instead of splitting, we went to counseling, and are now closer then ever. The key is communicate, support, respect, and equality. If you dont have any of these are leave any out you wont get anywhere in your marriage!
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