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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

*Update* My anxiety is tgrough the roof and Im sure Im headed for a mental breakdown. *Warning: Adult language*

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I just feel like an emotional wreck right now. So I sent this message to hubby via fb...

Hey babe. I had a question and I want you to know Im not trying to start an argument or anything. But why is it a problem that I want to go out with Kristy and Sam tonight? The times I've brought it up you get a nasty attitude about it. You got the weekend away last weekend and have played hockey a lot while I've stayed home with the kids. I think it's only fair that I get to go have fun with the girls like you get to with the guys. I need a break terribly bad. Im starting to feel like Im headed for a mental breakdown.
Like I said Im not saying this because Im wanting to fight or anything, just wondering...
I love you. Just think about maybe letting me go out with the girls sometime. I need it.

He calls me just a bit ago and says, "So I saw your shit on Facebook. You act like Im such a shitty husband. You go ahead and go out! That's fine. Not sure how you're going to afford it but go ahead!". Then he hung up. What am I doing wrong?? My friend asked me to come to her house for a girls night. It wouldn't cost anything. Why does he get so mad when I try to tell him how I feel. Now our day and night is ruined because I opened my big mouth.




I need a break so fucking bad. I have not had a break from my children since a week ago and it was for three hours. Im envious of hubby because since he plays hockey he is gone 4-5 evenings a week, leaving the house around 7 and not coming home till around 11:39pm. He was gone all weekend last weekend for a tourney. I begged my fil to watch the kids for a few hours last Friday. I've been invited to go out with some girlfriends tonight and everytime I bring it up, hubby gets a nasty attitude about it. Then last night while he was playing hockey I had a HORRIBLE night with the kids. I txtd him and told him I was going out tonight. He txtd me back later saying, "okay??". Then when he gets home he says that he has plans for us and he will talk to his dad about watching the kids. I guess there is something called broom hockey for couples tonight. That's cool. I love spending time with him but doesn't he understand that just like he has his time with the guys I need time with my girls. I had so much fun last Friday. I need some friends really bad. My life consists of spending almost every waking moment woth my kids and hubby. I love my family life but Im starting to lose my mind slowly but surely. And it doesn't seem like anyone understands. I feel like going in my room and crying my eyes out right now. My kids are constantly fighting and tattling on each other.
Sorry this is so long but I need to vent. Im so unhappy at this moment.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 11:18 AM
Replies (31-40):
SuperMom2433
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 12:32 PM
Its pretty self explanatory when I say, "Kristy and Sam (Samantha) want me to go out with them Friday night.".


Quoting KyrinM:

Perhaps he is thinking when you ask to go out without the kids, he thinks you mean you want more time with him, so he sets up a "date" with you, thinking that is what you mean or are asking for.  He may not be understanding that what you want is to be out on a girl date with your friends. 


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Michelle479
by Member on Feb. 1, 2013 at 12:32 PM

Passion flower is a great over the counter supplement for stress reduction. It has been a life savior around here lol.

Quoting SuperMom2433:

Thanks. Hopefully something gives soon. I hate to seem like such a drama queen but Im serious when I say that I have some mental issues at the moment and its going to get worse.


Quoting Michelle479:

Hopefully you will get your time out with your friends. Maybe you could arrange  for another friend to watch them. 

Quoting SuperMom2433:

I know!!! I told hubby last Sunday I wanted to go out with the girls tonight and he looked at me like I spoke some weird language. I brought it up a few days ago and he was like, "that's fine. Ill just go out with my boys Sat night". Eyeroll. He just had a weekend away, partied with his boys, plus hes gone to play hockey the past three nights. How is that fair?? Then if I bring the fact up that he gets al this time to play hockey and drink with his boys he will either think Im "holding it over his head" or he will say "Ill see if my dad will watch the kids". I love watching him play but dammit, I want some girl time.





Quoting Michelle479:

I understand. I love my family more then anything, but some days I just feel like the walls are caving in on me. I tried to tell my husband the past two nights I needed a little me time. You would have thought I was asking for a divorce lol. 

Quoting SuperMom2433:

If the weather gets nicer I will take them to the park. Im just at the end of my patience. I know I've hit that point where if I really dont get some time away Im going to end up literally losing my mind. Its been a few days now where I know that I've hit that point and no one understands. Hubby needs to suck it up and just let me be an adult. Like I said, I love spending time with him but I need some time away for a while. Some time to just be myself with my girlfriends.








Quoting Michelle479:

I hope your day gets better.  Men can be so dense sometimes. Time out with your friends is important for stress relief. Being in the house with kids all day for days on end can be very stressful for both the parent and the child. Is there somplace you can take them for a little while to let them burn of energy so maybe they will be calmer at home. 










catrig
by Bronze Member on Feb. 1, 2013 at 12:34 PM
you could flip it on him. That he must not want to spend time with you since he is always playing hockey.


Quoting SuperMom2433:

Its past the point of having a good cry and feeling better. I bet if I went to the doc and they took my blood pressure they would want to prescribe me some anti anxiety pills. I don't know how to tell hubby I need some time with my gfs without him feeling like Im telling him I dont want to spend time with him. Im al over the place lately. Im a wreck.




Quoting Ninjascreenname:

:( Go and cry, you will feel better. I hope things get better soon


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
aimesnyc
by Amy on Feb. 1, 2013 at 12:34 PM

Whether he realizes it or not, he's doing it because he obviously has trust issues (which probably are part of his Depression that we have already discussed) and out of his insecurities he emotionally manipulates and controls you so that you don't have the opportunity to leave him some day (which we both know you will not).


Quoting SuperMom2433:

I know. I dont keep quiet all the time. I dont understand what the big deal is. Does he not trust me? I just dont know. I have never given him a reason to not trust me. And why dies he always try to set up a date night when I really just want him to stay home with the kids while I go have fun?


Quoting aimesnyc:

I hate fighting, too.  But sometimes you have to.  And believe it or not, it can be healthy in a relationship.  He knows that you will not fight, so he knows that he will end up getting what he wants.  He really needs to start respecting you and your needs/wants more.  You do anything and everything for him, but he doesn't seem to budge for you.  It shouldn't be so unbalanced.  You both should be wiling to compromise - which means that sometimes you don't get 100% of what you want.  And he needs to understand that.



Quoting SuperMom2433:

I am always trying to keep the peace. I hate fighting and arguing. So most of the time I just keep quiet. I did send him a message talking about my feelings. In the message I stated I didn't want to fight or start an argument, just wondering why he feels the way he does.





Quoting aimesnyc:

I don't know.  I would be pissed.  I would have been pissed about him knowing that I wanted to go out with my friends, bitching about it, and then arranging another outing that he would enjoy more for the two of us while completely disregarding my wants.  And I would tell him so.  Also, he needs to be the one to stay with the kids while you are gone.  I would just state, not ask, that "on _____ evening I will be going out with my friend for a few hours.  Since you will actually be home and not playing hockey with your friends, which you get to do __ times a week, then it should be no problem for you to stay with the kids.  You know how to reach me, and we will be at such and such place."  If he whines about you not wanting to spend time with him, then give him a dose of his own medicine "Oh really?  Well, if that's how it is, then it must mean that all of the nights you are out with your friends playing hockey, it's really because you don't want to spend time with me and the kids, right?  Exactly."

You need to stop letting him emotionally manipulate you and control you. 









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SuperMom2433
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 12:34 PM
I've known hubby for 10 years and know that I have to be very clear. I have been saying, "Kristy and Sam want to go out and invited me. I really want to go have some girl time.". Then he gets a nasty attitude and proceeds with, "Ill see what my dad is doing and see if he will take the kids so me and you can go out.".


Quoting stacey1103:

You have to have communication and he has to be willing to help. Some guys think its so easy to be home all day with kids and they have no idea what we do every day. Honestly, it sounds like he doesn't want to be home with the kids. To be gone that many nights playing hockey, and then when u ask for a night out he tries to make plans for both of you to be out together....that's just how it seems to me. I don't mean to bash him so please don't take offense. Guys have to be told directly what you want/need/expect from them.




Quoting SuperMom2433:

This makes me sad and quite jealous. I wish hubby understood.






Quoting stacey1103:

Yes! If I ask DH to watch the kids so I can do something, he gets mad because he says "I don't babysit my own kids, they're my kids too I can take care of them". Lol, he's really great with that and absolutely hates when people say they babysit their own kids.








Quoting 98765:


Exactly. they are not babysitter. They are the childrens father. wives should be able to go out anytime and not be questioned or given attitudes. Period.





Quoting furbabymum:

 I've said it once I'll say it a million times, watching his own damn kids isn't optional. At least in my house it isn't.











Posted on CafeMom Mobile
SuperMom2433
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 12:37 PM
I will look into that!! Thank you!


Quoting Michelle479:

Passion flower is a great over the counter supplement for stress reduction. It has been a life savior around here lol.

Quoting SuperMom2433:

Thanks. Hopefully something gives soon. I hate to seem like such a drama queen but Im serious when I say that I have some mental issues at the moment and its going to get worse.





Quoting Michelle479:

Hopefully you will get your time out with your friends. Maybe you could arrange  for another friend to watch them. 

Quoting SuperMom2433:

I know!!! I told hubby last Sunday I wanted to go out with the girls tonight and he looked at me like I spoke some weird language. I brought it up a few days ago and he was like, "that's fine. Ill just go out with my boys Sat night". Eyeroll. He just had a weekend away, partied with his boys, plus hes gone to play hockey the past three nights. How is that fair?? Then if I bring the fact up that he gets al this time to play hockey and drink with his boys he will either think Im "holding it over his head" or he will say "Ill see if my dad will watch the kids". I love watching him play but dammit, I want some girl time.








Quoting Michelle479:

I understand. I love my family more then anything, but some days I just feel like the walls are caving in on me. I tried to tell my husband the past two nights I needed a little me time. You would have thought I was asking for a divorce lol. 

Quoting SuperMom2433:

If the weather gets nicer I will take them to the park. Im just at the end of my patience. I know I've hit that point where if I really dont get some time away Im going to end up literally losing my mind. Its been a few days now where I know that I've hit that point and no one understands. Hubby needs to suck it up and just let me be an adult. Like I said, I love spending time with him but I need some time away for a while. Some time to just be myself with my girlfriends.











Quoting Michelle479:

I hope your day gets better.  Men can be so dense sometimes. Time out with your friends is important for stress relief. Being in the house with kids all day for days on end can be very stressful for both the parent and the child. Is there somplace you can take them for a little while to let them burn of energy so maybe they will be calmer at home. 














Posted on CafeMom Mobile
SuperMom2433
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 12:39 PM
The thing is, I've been with him for almost 10 years and he still doesn't trust me. We have talked about this and he admits its his own insecurities. Just like this am he was telling me this bad dream he had last night. He said he caught me with this guy that works at the gas station down the road and that I was with some other guy as well. Im an evil evil person in his dreams. He's always dreaming that Im cheating on him.


Quoting aimesnyc:

Whether he realizes it or not, he's doing it because he obviously has trust issues (which probably are part of his Depression that we have already discussed) and out of his insecurities he emotionally manipulates and controls you so that you don't have the opportunity to leave him some day (which we both know you will not).



Quoting SuperMom2433:

I know. I dont keep quiet all the time. I dont understand what the big deal is. Does he not trust me? I just dont know. I have never given him a reason to not trust me. And why dies he always try to set up a date night when I really just want him to stay home with the kids while I go have fun?





Quoting aimesnyc:

I hate fighting, too.  But sometimes you have to.  And believe it or not, it can be healthy in a relationship.  He knows that you will not fight, so he knows that he will end up getting what he wants.  He really needs to start respecting you and your needs/wants more.  You do anything and everything for him, but he doesn't seem to budge for you.  It shouldn't be so unbalanced.  You both should be wiling to compromise - which means that sometimes you don't get 100% of what you want.  And he needs to understand that.




Quoting SuperMom2433:

I am always trying to keep the peace. I hate fighting and arguing. So most of the time I just keep quiet. I did send him a message talking about my feelings. In the message I stated I didn't want to fight or start an argument, just wondering why he feels the way he does.








Quoting aimesnyc:

I don't know.  I would be pissed.  I would have been pissed about him knowing that I wanted to go out with my friends, bitching about it, and then arranging another outing that he would enjoy more for the two of us while completely disregarding my wants.  And I would tell him so.  Also, he needs to be the one to stay with the kids while you are gone.  I would just state, not ask, that "on _____ evening I will be going out with my friend for a few hours.  Since you will actually be home and not playing hockey with your friends, which you get to do __ times a week, then it should be no problem for you to stay with the kids.  You know how to reach me, and we will be at such and such place."  If he whines about you not wanting to spend time with him, then give him a dose of his own medicine "Oh really?  Well, if that's how it is, then it must mean that all of the nights you are out with your friends playing hockey, it's really because you don't want to spend time with me and the kids, right?  Exactly."

You need to stop letting him emotionally manipulate you and control you. 














Posted on CafeMom Mobile
furbabymum
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 12:41 PM
3 moms liked this

 If you refuse to stand up for yourself than your needs won't get met and you will have a mental breakdown. I'd rather have one good fight with my spouse and get the issue out of the way in the future. I remember one night when I was in my first trimester I was just beat and went to bed incredibly early. When I went to shut the bedroom door my DH came over and said, "What about Leo?" (our 2 year old). I told him that's why I married the father of my children and shut the door in his face. He's not said such a stupid thing since.

Quoting SuperMom2433:

This would be a huge fight. I refuse to leave for some time with my girls knowing that when I get home there will be a big fight.


Quoting LoveMyLos:

So tell him hes staying home with HIS kids and youre going out!



Quoting SuperMom2433:

We get his dad to watch the kids like every other week for a few hours. I know this sounds bad but sometimes I would like to go have some girl time. Have him stay home with the kids, which I can count on one hand how many times hes stayed with the kids so I can go do something and its always been to go to the store. When I used to get my nails done I still had to take the kids.






Quoting stacey1103:

Try and schedule some time for the two of u also. We have a date night once a month. Thank goodness for my sister-she watches the kids and we go out, even if its just us having dinner together. We sometimes are only gone 2 hours, but by the time we get home, the kids are in bed and we get the rest of the night alone. He has to be willing to help if its going to work. It's not fair that he's gone for those many nights to do his activities. If u talk to him he should be willing to help.


 

SuperMom2433
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 12:43 PM
This is great advice. Thank you. One big downfall to my personality is the fact that I try to keep the peace. It ends up screwing me in the end.


Quoting furbabymum:

 If you refuse to stand up for yourself than your needs won't get met and you will have a mental breakdown. I'd rather have one good fight with my spouse and get the issue out of the way in the future. I remember one night when I was in my first trimester I was just beat and went to bed incredibly early. When I went to shut the bedroom door my DH came over and said, "What about Leo?" (our 2 year old). I told him that's why I married the father of my children and shut the door in his face. He's not said such a stupid thing since.


Quoting SuperMom2433:

This would be a huge fight. I refuse to leave for some time with my girls knowing that when I get home there will be a big fight.



Quoting LoveMyLos:

So tell him hes staying home with HIS kids and youre going out!




Quoting SuperMom2433:

We get his dad to watch the kids like every other week for a few hours. I know this sounds bad but sometimes I would like to go have some girl time. Have him stay home with the kids, which I can count on one hand how many times hes stayed with the kids so I can go do something and its always been to go to the store. When I used to get my nails done I still had to take the kids.







Quoting stacey1103:

Try and schedule some time for the two of u also. We have a date night once a month. Thank goodness for my sister-she watches the kids and we go out, even if its just us having dinner together. We sometimes are only gone 2 hours, but by the time we get home, the kids are in bed and we get the rest of the night alone. He has to be willing to help if its going to work. It's not fair that he's gone for those many nights to do his activities. If u talk to him he should be willing to help.



 


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
aimesnyc
by Amy on Feb. 1, 2013 at 12:47 PM
1 mom liked this

"You and I both know that I will not cheat on you, and that they are just dreams.  I love you, and you love me.  You have got to work on trusting the real me - the person you married and carried your two children.  But if you keep trying to avoid the cheating that is never going to happen, which means that I never leave this house or do anything on my own without the family, then it will indeed push me away.  And believe it or not, our kids want and need some one on one time with their daddy.  Let's work on a compromise.  I go out x amount of times per month on my own without you or the kids, and then we have x amount of times where we go out just the two of us.  Let's even try to work on how many times we all go do something fun as a family."


Quoting SuperMom2433:

The thing is, I've been with him for almost 10 years and he still doesn't trust me. We have talked about this and he admits its his own insecurities. Just like this am he was telling me this bad dream he had last night. He said he caught me with this guy that works at the gas station down the road and that I was with some other guy as well. Im an evil evil person in his dreams. He's always dreaming that Im cheating on him.


Quoting aimesnyc:

Whether he realizes it or not, he's doing it because he obviously has trust issues (which probably are part of his Depression that we have already discussed) and out of his insecurities he emotionally manipulates and controls you so that you don't have the opportunity to leave him some day (which we both know you will not).



Quoting SuperMom2433:

I know. I dont keep quiet all the time. I dont understand what the big deal is. Does he not trust me? I just dont know. I have never given him a reason to not trust me. And why dies he always try to set up a date night when I really just want him to stay home with the kids while I go have fun?





Quoting aimesnyc:

I hate fighting, too.  But sometimes you have to.  And believe it or not, it can be healthy in a relationship.  He knows that you will not fight, so he knows that he will end up getting what he wants.  He really needs to start respecting you and your needs/wants more.  You do anything and everything for him, but he doesn't seem to budge for you.  It shouldn't be so unbalanced.  You both should be wiling to compromise - which means that sometimes you don't get 100% of what you want.  And he needs to understand that.




Quoting SuperMom2433:

I am always trying to keep the peace. I hate fighting and arguing. So most of the time I just keep quiet. I did send him a message talking about my feelings. In the message I stated I didn't want to fight or start an argument, just wondering why he feels the way he does.








Quoting aimesnyc:

I don't know.  I would be pissed.  I would have been pissed about him knowing that I wanted to go out with my friends, bitching about it, and then arranging another outing that he would enjoy more for the two of us while completely disregarding my wants.  And I would tell him so.  Also, he needs to be the one to stay with the kids while you are gone.  I would just state, not ask, that "on _____ evening I will be going out with my friend for a few hours.  Since you will actually be home and not playing hockey with your friends, which you get to do __ times a week, then it should be no problem for you to stay with the kids.  You know how to reach me, and we will be at such and such place."  If he whines about you not wanting to spend time with him, then give him a dose of his own medicine "Oh really?  Well, if that's how it is, then it must mean that all of the nights you are out with your friends playing hockey, it's really because you don't want to spend time with me and the kids, right?  Exactly."

You need to stop letting him emotionally manipulate you and control you. 
















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