Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

My husband and I have been married for 18 months and I just don't feel that spark anymore. I started feeling this way 6 months into my pregnancy and I just feel awful. He's such a loving person but he's also very lazy. He doesn't pick up after himself and is hardly ever involved with our daughter. I feel like he's more of a child than a man and it is pissing me off. I feel more like a single parent than a wife and it's breaking my heart. Every time I try talking to him it leads into a fight. We don't have sex anymore and I don't even want to kiss him. So Friday I sat him down and asked him if our marriage was even worth saving. He said yes but I honestly don't feel the same way and am considering filing for divorce. But I really, really don't want to put our daughter through that but I also don't want her growing up in a family where her parents are always fighting and don't even love each other. What is the right thing to do?

CafeMom Tickers
by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 9:26 PM
Replies (11-20):
SassyLaLa85
by Bronze Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 1:26 PM

Write him a letter with all your thoughts and feeling in it. Be honest and try to do everything you can to save your marriage.

catrig
by Bronze Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 1:27 PM
counseling
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Serenity7
by Platinum Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 1:32 PM

 What do you think is the right thing to do

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 1:36 PM

 18 months, 9 of which you were pregnant and 2 of which you've been severely sleep deprived. This is not the time you decide this kind of thing. Just like my hairdresser refuses to cut my hair while my child is still wake at night. Lack of sleep causes unreasonableness.

Just fyi babies aren't that interesting to men. Hell my baby wasn't even that interesting to me. What do they do other than eat, sleep and poo? They get more interesting and your DH will probably get more interested in her as she ages.

You should be setting marital parameters now. He's not helping you, so tell him to. Tell him exactly what you want him to be doing as well. Having a baby is just as tough on the man imo. Our marriage was damn strong going into baby #1 and even we had some real struggles. Change is change and it's tough.

I hate it when women say they aren't in love as if rainbows should be shooting out of their arse 24/7. Sometimes I love my DH so much my heart will burst. Sometimes the fact that I haven't murdered him is all he could possibly ask for. I am still committed to our marriage. I will WORK at being married. 18 months is a splash in the bucket. If you don't have to commitment to make it that long than you'll never make it. I just hope you don't turn into one of those women that go from man to man looking for Mr. Right and self fulfillment at he expense of your child.

CrazyLife1996
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 2:01 PM
I have a post called putting love first. It tells you how to communicate your wants and needs.

Don't give up until you have tried everything.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
ShannaBee
by Platinum Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 2:08 PM
I agree. You have to communicate your problems and work together for a solution.


Quoting gigis1:

give it just one more chance after talking about it.. where there was flame, ashes remain

talk about what bothers you and what you miss from the beginning of the relationship.. if you feel the same still, leave !!

my parents fell out of love and i am so happy they seperated... i didnt want to be the reason for my parents being miserable


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
xoxRachelxox
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 2:35 PM

Maybe a trial separation would be good?

MusicMom823
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 1:42 PM


Smart Advice in this one:

Quoting MixedCooke:

1) the first 5 years are the hardest--why bother getting married if you dont even try to give it a chance??

2) men are typically afraid to care for babies and it is when the baby is more able to be playful and reactive to times with him do they truly start to bond with baby, which is usually between 6 months and beyond.  They really shine when the babies are 2 because they are so playful.

3) Understand that your hormones are still out of whack until at least a year after birth and after you are done breastfeeding, which affects libido as well

4) There is an adjustment period for a man to realize that he is a Father now and it is not as immediate as a woman since we were already adjusting while carrying the baby.  You need to give him some time.

5) As far as household duties, it is a rare man that will just jump up and do chores, you need to crack the whip sometimes and get him to understand that you are tired from caring for the baby and the home and that the less tired you are the more energy that you may have to be a wife aka sexual activities resuming possibly.

6) parenting is not only rewarding but it is also tiring and frustrating and it too needs time to adjust to the new roles that each of you have.


GOOD LUCK!  I am speaking as a person who was ready to divorce my hubby while pregnant and the the first year after our baby was born.  We are going on 7 yrs now...



 Melissa  

Dimples303
by Silver Member on Feb. 5, 2013 at 1:58 PM

My husband was not very helpful when our daughter was born... He wouldn't change diapers, put her to bed/nap, bathe her... Nothing. But as she got older he started doing more and became more comfortable being a dad. I think it's normal early in marriage to get on each others nerves and become distant sometimes but you have to push through and try to fix things because that's what marriage is all about. :)

tiredmama42
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 2:42 PM

My DH is in his 40's and its like having another kid sometimes.  Its a male thing.    When you disagree or your annoyed  you need to talk to him as a adult, using kind words and respect.   You have a child and divorce is ugly.  Talk to your DH and work through this make the first move if you have too.  Seems like your building up resentment then in turn being turned off by him.  Us woman are emotional/mental and we need that part to be physical and men think more so on a physical level. Dont look to others who are negative dont look to other men to confide in.. focus on making your marriage work.  Marriage is not easy its a partnership of communication and caring.  Try to look at some of his faults as "that is what makes him who he is, his individuality.  My DH annoys the crap out of me at times and I could say the same things over and and over and get nowhere and when I am mad I dont want to touch him.. I want to be mad for a minute.. but if I try to imagine my live without him I cant.   I would miss the annoying things too.  I was a single mom for many years and life is so hard... make every effort to let go of your critical side to see him for the man you fell in love with.   Dont throw in the towel its too soon.. too much to lose.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)