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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

My husband and I have been married for 18 months and I just don't feel that spark anymore. I started feeling this way 6 months into my pregnancy and I just feel awful. He's such a loving person but he's also very lazy. He doesn't pick up after himself and is hardly ever involved with our daughter. I feel like he's more of a child than a man and it is pissing me off. I feel more like a single parent than a wife and it's breaking my heart. Every time I try talking to him it leads into a fight. We don't have sex anymore and I don't even want to kiss him. So Friday I sat him down and asked him if our marriage was even worth saving. He said yes but I honestly don't feel the same way and am considering filing for divorce. But I really, really don't want to put our daughter through that but I also don't want her growing up in a family where her parents are always fighting and don't even love each other. What is the right thing to do?

CafeMom Tickers
by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 9:26 PM
Replies (21-28):
MrsShipley21
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 4:01 PM

 Do you believe in building a foundation? If your not willing to fight for your marriage and make sacrifices then how do you expect the next relationship to work out if the next one does something not to your likingyou want to turn your back? I believe a man can change if they want to. If they love you that much and love there family. I have been with my husband since I was 14 and I am now 24. When I was 14 I was so immature I did not know what marriage was all about but all I knew was I made a commitment. And nothing comes easy. There were times I felt like we wouldn't make it, and I mean girl we have been through it all. I am glad the both of us changed and have grown so much. We have come a long way. It takes time though. Men learn slowly (hahaha) There like dogs kinda. You have to train them. I mean I do not mean that in a bad way but for realit is the truth. They don't know what we like what makes us happy they cannot read minds! We have to break it down for them. There big ol babies. But I am patient because that is what loves is in my opinion. He does for me as I do for him. It is a growing partnership and it is amazing and very hard at times. You need to decide weather or not you love him enough to stick it out with him and communication! It has to be done. My man thought that was so fruity to talk about feelings but we do it in a way that does not make him uncomfortable about it. I know he will never be all like that and that is ok I love him for who he is just some things need improvement.

tifbrown
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 4:21 PM

Only 18 months, you haven't even given it a real shot yet. Marriage is hard work. Just because the "spark" is gone, doesn't mean the love is. Love changes as our lives and relationship change. There is a book about the phases of love (forgetting the title), but it is a very worthwhile read. Remember your vows "better or worse". You guys are in a rut right now, that doesn't mean you give up and walk away, you try harder. Find the root of the problems. The first 2 years of marriage is the hardest, a lot changes, especially when a new baby is involved. Try some counselling, lay it out and let him know that you guys made a commitment to each other and that you both need to work at it and compromise. You committed to a lifetime, plenty of time to work on things and make them better. Don't give up yet, you guys can get through this. Don't take the easy way out. Marriage is lots of work, but so worth it.

Lia678
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 4:22 PM

Try to fix it., not break it.  It takes time to get used to each other. A baby makes it even harder for both of you.  Some men just need to be told what you need from them. It sounds like he is willing. Some guys just aren't good with the baby stage but then as your daughter gets older and begins to want him as much as she wants you he will get encouraged and will play with her. Give it a chance. Good luck.

Jessica0930
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 4:25 PM

If you mean spark as in feelings, feelings come and go. Marriage and love is a commitment not a feeling. And many people mistaken love as a feeling. Work your butt off to save your marriage. Don't give up.

boshs1andonly
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 4:25 PM

All of this...Being a new parent is a hard transition, being newly married is as well. Trying to do both, can get overwhelming quick. But you can't really convince me you've tried your hardest in 18 months to do what you can to save something you were supposed to stick with for a lifetime. I also agree with the babies thing, dh is way more involved with dd now that she's bigger and can respond to him. So give him some time to get comfortable (not indefinitely, but longer than what you've given him). 

Quoting MixedCooke:

1) the first 5 years are the hardest--why bother getting married if you dont even try to give it a chance??

2) men are typically afraid to care for babies and it is when the baby is more able to be playful and reactive to times with him do they truly start to bond with baby, which is usually between 6 months and beyond.  They really shine when the babies are 2 because they are so playful.

3) Understand that your hormones are still out of whack until at least a year after birth and after you are done breastfeeding, which affects libido as well

4) There is an adjustment period for a man to realize that he is a Father now and it is not as immediate as a woman since we were already adjusting while carrying the baby.  You need to give him some time.

5) As far as household duties, it is a rare man that will just jump up and do chores, you need to crack the whip sometimes and get him to understand that you are tired from caring for the baby and the home and that the less tired you are the more energy that you may have to be a wife aka sexual activities resuming possibly.

6) parenting is not only rewarding but it is also tiring and frustrating and it too needs time to adjust to the new roles that each of you have.


GOOD LUCK!  I am speaking as a person who was ready to divorce my hubby while pregnant and the the first year after our baby was born.  We are going on 7 yrs now...


BKozICan
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 4:25 PM

Wait a little bit. I almost divorced dh when ds was six months old (9 years ago). There is a lot of shit going on in your head that first few months postpartum.

Kaybean
by Bronze Member on Feb. 5, 2013 at 4:31 PM
I'm sorry, but 18 months is NOTHING considering marriage is meant to be forever. You can't possibly believe you have tried as hard as you can already. Many couples end up in a fight when trying to discuss issues because neither person wants to see their own faults and just want to get defensive and point the finger. I'm sure he does need to change some things so I'm not disregarding your feelings, but you definitely are giving up WAY too easily. If you're gonna call it quits after 18 months, then don't ever get married again because no man is perfect and if you can't try longer than that, then no marriage will ever work. I've been married almost 17 months and I wanna punch my DH sometimes but I know the first few years are the hardest and that it will never always be sunshine and flowers. It's real life, not a fairy tale. You said you don't feel the "spark" anymore but marriage isn't about feeling a spark forever. The butterflies and fireworks fade away, but again, that's not what marriage is about. It's about commitment. Good times and bad, remember? If things are still like this on your 5 year anniversary, then I would see your side, but 18 months? Try counseling, try the Love Dare, try the 5 Love Languages, try everything humanely possible.
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.Peaches.
by Bronze Member on Feb. 5, 2013 at 5:07 PM
1 mom liked this

I couldn't tell you what's right for you, but my ex husband was a lot like you described- just plain lazy, and that pissed me off. I felt like I was raising another child, and I already had one (at the time). There are other, more serious reasons why I ended up filing for divorce, but that was a major factor.

Staying in a marriage for the kids is never the right decision....I contemplated that as well, but its not a good reason to stay. It NEVER is.

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