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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

I feel like my husband is having an emotional affair

Posted by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 2:59 PM
  • 24 Replies

My husband has an online friend that lives in texas a female that he has chatted to off and on over the past 9 years. Only more recently within the past year he has been talking to her more and more. I confronted him about it before saying that he was spending too much time chatting with her and staying up way too late after we had all gone to bed then complining about being tired in the am and wanting to sleep a good portion of the day away. He said he messaged her and asked her to stop texting him and to limit their chatting.

I had thought he hd followed through and kept his word only to find out that he had added her on fb again and left the message page open where she replied that she had to be sneaky about it and delete the email he had sent her from her current boyfriend. Im completely blown away since my husband doesnt think that there is anything wrong with this! He sneaks around texts her and then deletes messages, phone logs on his phone, emails and more. I confronted him about it again and all he could say was ok I deleted he from fb.

How do I get him to see that this kind of behavior is sabotaging our marriage and overall unhealthy. We have 2 children to think about and another one on the way.  I asked him why she was so worth throwing away his family and marriage since they have never met before and he said she wasnt but couldnt give me a reason why he is STILL talking to her.

Ill also mention I emailed her to tell her that if she really "cared" that she would cease communication with him if for nothing else then respecting our children and their ability to live with a complete family. No reply back.

Thoughts?

by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 2:59 PM
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Replies (1-10):
furbabymum
by Gold Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 3:02 PM

 Well you are right. He is. Anything he has to hide is a thing he shouldn't be doing. It makes you uncomfortable and since you don't seem like the unreasonable type that should be enough for him to cut communication. I'd go to some counseling with him. At the very least you two seem to need to work on your communication. I don't think I'm as nice as you are because I'd tell my DH to knock it off or else and the or else would definitely happen.

isaacsmom2013
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 3:05 PM

I agree that this type of behavior is inappropriate for a married man. You need to give him the boot. Obviously he thinks more with one head than the other. Really awful I hope this works its self out for you and your family.

Lslk
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 3:08 PM

It seems to me that they know they are doing something wrong if they weren't  then there would be no need to hide any of it. I have been through this myself. It is very hurtful and so I ended up leaving for a few days. In that time he realized what he had done and he was scared that he would loose me (so he said anyway). I don't really have any advise. I'm am so sorry you are going through this. HUGS

CrazyLife1996
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 3:13 PM
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Definitely an emotional affair. I would give him the ultimatum of either end communication completely for good or you are gone. He needs to see this is completely wrong and needs to fix his priorities.
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ShannaBee
by Platinum Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 3:14 PM
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Give him an ultimatum of his toxic friendship or his family.
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24clark
by Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 3:17 PM
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This is completely unhealthy for your relationship. My husband and I had to come to terms with this issue early on in our relationship. Luckily for us we were attending a marriage enrichment group weekly and were seeing counselor at the time. Those two steps were how we built the foundation to how we structured and set up our marriage. My best advise is to talk to your husband and let him know how this effects you. See if he is willing to go with you to talk to a counselor. Even if he is resistant to going with you, I implore you to seek help yourself.

In this day and age of technology, this situation pops up all too frequently. I am a firm believer that a translucent marriage is a strong marriage. My husband and I share our password lists and feel that if it cannot be said or read by the other, then it should not be said or written at all. 

May God grant you guidance, strength and success in this process. May your whole family be blessed.

huntmom1104
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 3:20 PM
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I would tell him either shes goes or i go... I had a friend i talked to for many many years and when i got engaged we messaged eachother and said that we could still be friends and we talk once every maybe three months not constantly on the phone fb or email.... He needs to see that what he is doing is not a friendship it is a emotional relationship with someone other than his wife that is going to tear his family apart.... And as for her not messaging you back that would give me a hint that she is wanting more from him because a woman who respects a man his wife and his kids will message you back.. but it sounds like shes not even woman enough ... I honestly hope that you can fix this my first marriage ended because of the start of something like this that spiraled into him abusing me because i had confronted him... Keep your head high and remember there is a family on here who cares about you and will support you in anything that you choose... I really hope you and him can work this out ... My prayers are with you :)

Kaybean
by Bronze Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 3:24 PM
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I would have never even allowed it in the first place, and had it gone on for 9 YEARS, I would be GONE. I simply wouldn't tolerate it. It would end or I would leave. Even if it did end, I would rewuire marriage counseling to get to the bottom of why he ever even felt that was okay or had the desire to speak so much to another woman. Then to top it off, you have talked to him about it and now he hides it from you? She seems awfully important to him. I see red flags all over. Not to scare you, but my mom did something similar to my dad. She met a man online, they chatted more and more until it became serious, he moved to our state, she divorced my dad and is now married to him! Granted us kids were pretty much grown when it haooened and her and my dad were having problems, but still, it started out as an online friendship.
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KyrinM
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 3:26 PM

You are right, he is.  He needs to sever the relationship, sounds like it would be doing her a favor too if she is also sneaking around her partner to talk to him.  He needs to be putting all that energy he has been spending on her, on you & the kids.  If he put half the time into being with you & involved with the family he does on talking to her, all of you would be much happier, point this out.  Not to mention the sleep he can get if he isn't online all the time.  I would ask him how he would feel if you had a male friend you talked to all they time & you were hiding all your conversations from him, how would he feel?  I think that will really get him to see where you are coming from.  I also agree with you asking the woman to back off, her behavior in encouraging him is very disrespectful to your marriage, I agree.

MamaK2010
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 3:53 PM

I guess I should have clairified. We have been together for 5 years and married for 3. He has been chatting to her off and on over the course of the past 9 years. In the beginning it really wasnt a huge issue since many people have online friendships. It only started to be a big deal when the frequency and topics became WAY too much and too personal. In addition to this the woman he talks to is in a complicated relationship and he had actually proposed we sponsor her and her children to come up to Canada to start a "new life" I squashed that in a heart beat of course since truthfully never having met someone in person they could be completely the opposite of who they have portrayed and I refuse to be financially responsible for someone and their children.

I have suggested counselling in the past he went once then ssaid he didnt feel he needed to go again. It is a twisted "relationship" for sure...I have always been an open book and do not keep secrets..I think more often then not I over share because those were the vows we took proior to marriage to be completely honest with one another.  I also have this woman's phone number and have been contemplating calling her to discuss this with her. I feel like Im a reasonable person and do wish her and her children the best but not at the cost of tearing my family apart for someone he has never met

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