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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Leave your spouse? Sickening?

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Does anyone else get so sick of society's tolerance, actually of their encouragement, to leave one own spouse? Aside of abusive or dangerous behaviors, (common sense please folks) I really don't see leaving as a justifiable solution to "finding happiness." 

I find it disturbing that the most common response to anyone's complaint that their marriage has hit a rough spot is: You deserve better, dump him/her. 

What happened to self accountability? What happened to showing support with solid suggestions as to how to build a better marriage? Like most skills in life, these have to be learned, implimented and practiced.

Why are we so happy to encourage and excuse one from a life long committment they made to someone, themselves and commonly God? We are not so tolerant of folks that neglect their kids "because it is too hard today." How about "I just don't feel like it anymore." Or better yet, "I've changed my mind." Then why do we suggest that someone bail when the going gets tough in a marriage?

If you don't build the foundation, the building will crumble. Telling someone that the next "relationship" will be better because it will be with someone else, just doesn't make sense. 

Do most people really think that "finding" is the key and not "building?" 

UPDATE:

Please do not read too much into this post. I am not judging people who divorce. I am trying not to judge at all. What I am trying to do is find out how many people cherish the vows they took and suggest that we consider offering support and encouragement to married folks. As I have been guilty of suggesting to a freind that "she deserved better" I am not trying to put anyone down for doing so. Instead, I am trying to share my current opinion that there are other alternatives to these suggestions. Ultimately, to be married or not, is up to the couple themselves. I choose to offer words of encouragement and support. (Remember, not in all cases should a marriage be saved.) Just generally speaking. Many blessing to you all and hug your spouse. :-)




by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 6:34 PM
Replies (21-30):
mhayes0784
by Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 8:13 PM

im debating on working things out with my SO even though he cheated

CrazyLife1996
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 8:13 PM
I have been with my husband since we were 14 as well but we are almost at 19 yrs. I have actually been told I have no right to give my two sense because I settled on the first guy who paid attention to me.

I just ask how long they have been married?


Quoting MrsShipley21:

 Wow! Words of the wisdom right here. I completely agree with you. I have been with my husband since I was 14 and let me tell you. . . we have been through it all. I am now 24 and we are not the same people we were back then. We have grown so much as to how to argue in a healthy way and learning each others personalities and adjusting to certain things that just won't change. However our requests of each other are reasonable. We are a team. It is not easy but I made a commitment to this man and I will fight till the end of my days for this marriage.


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SoKamele
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 8:38 PM

 We took divorce off the table. Almost anything can be worked out.

AimSnapHolz
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 8:40 PM

I agree with you - and that's coming from someone who just left her partner 3 days ago... but it was an abusive situation that I didn't see myself safely getting out of otherwise.

MrsShipley21
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 8:47 PM

 19 years? All that means to me is your amazing! Your clearly a good person and commited. All my friends happened to get married around the time I did and they all divorced withing 6 months. Everyone asks me how I do it being so young, I simply tell them I love him and my family more then words. I am also a role model. I will strive to be the best wife and mother I can be. I do not think I could live with myself knowing I just gave up on my marriage.  

Quoting CrazyLife1996:

I have been with my husband since we were 14 as well but we are almost at 19 yrs. I have actually been told I have no right to give my two sense because I settled on the first guy who paid attention to me.

I just ask how long they have been married?


Quoting MrsShipley21:

 Wow! Words of the wisdom right here. I completely agree with you. I have been with my husband since I was 14 and let me tell you. . . we have been through it all. I am now 24 and we are not the same people we were back then. We have grown so much as to how to argue in a healthy way and learning each others personalities and adjusting to certain things that just won't change. However our requests of each other are reasonable. We are a team. It is not easy but I made a commitment to this man and I will fight till the end of my days for this marriage.


 

CrazyLife1996
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 8:58 PM
It definitely hasn't always been cupcakes and roses but we never stopped loving each other through it all. I have never been able to see myself without him in my future. It has always been him.

7 kids almost 19yrs. He supports the fact that I send my mom and stepmom more than enough money to live on every month. He supported me paying for my sister college and taking custody from my brother twice.

I couldn't ask for anyone better than I have.


Quoting MrsShipley21:

 19 years? All that means to me is your amazing! Your clearly a good person and commited. All my friends happened to get married around the time I did and they all divorced withing 6 months. Everyone asks me how I do it being so young, I simply tell them I love him and my family more then words. I am also a role model. I will strive to be the best wife and mother I can be. I do not think I could live with myself knowing I just gave up on my marriage.  


Quoting CrazyLife1996:

I have been with my husband since we were 14 as well but we are almost at 19 yrs. I have actually been told I have no right to give my two sense because I settled on the first guy who paid attention to me.

I just ask how long they have been married?



Quoting MrsShipley21:


 Wow! Words of the wisdom right here. I completely agree with you. I have been with my husband since I was 14 and let me tell you. . . we have been through it all. I am now 24 and we are not the same people we were back then. We have grown so much as to how to argue in a healthy way and learning each others personalities and adjusting to certain things that just won't change. However our requests of each other are reasonable. We are a team. It is not easy but I made a commitment to this man and I will fight till the end of my days for this marriage.



 


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MJP76
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 9:03 PM

Building the foundation starts In The beginning, not after a couple has been together for years. I personally have an issue with any woman that will allow herself to be treated like shit. 

I'm new here so I haven't really seen anyone just post about a "rough patch" I see, "he's abusive" "he's cheating" 'he's a male chauvinist pig"  "he's a horrible father" .. Those are the things I've seen here at cafe mom. 

And all of those things are inexcusable in my book. My first thought is typically "you picked him, he didn't just change over night" my second thought is "get rid of him"  (for the record, I mostly just skip over them without saying anything though, because to me it's just common sense)


if I happened to see something like  "me and DH haven't had sex in 3 months, what should I do" then it's only obvious to give some decent advice and suggest counselling....But I mostly have seen stupid posts with easy answers.. Or the ones that truly do need advice already have 100 replies.. I figure everything's been covered.

kristina0121
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 9:15 PM
I don't know.. I believe cheating is a more than valid reason for divorced when God says its the only reason for divorce! I'm not saying someone who is being abused should stay in that situation, but I don't agree with your statement that it is the only reason for divorce! My husband began cheating before our wedding. He cheated continuously for our entire 5 year marriage. He had women in my home, with my children sleeping, while I worked, doing cocaine and having sex. I am pretty sure I was valid in divorcing my husband! What about the risk of him catching an std and giving it to me? What if it were hiv and he passed it to me? I got a full panel done when we split and am thankful nothing showed up. I'm sorry but there is no "working on it" when our marriage was built on a lie!
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ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Feb. 4, 2013 at 9:51 PM

I don't agree with your entire sentiment here. I do think that people jump to suggest divorce too quickly, and some people jump to actual divorce their spouses too quickly, but I think the crux of the problem is that more people don't take the time to get to know their prospective spouse well enough before the "I do's" are said to know if their situation is going to be good in the long run. I think people who jump into divorce likely jumped into getting married, or the opposite, were together for long periods of time but rather than accept the problems of their SO at face value they hold on to the thought that they may someday change.

I'm also not a believer and don't believe I'm married in the eyes of God. I don't think God has anything to do with marriage. 

JennPearce
by Jenn! on Feb. 4, 2013 at 9:52 PM
I agree! Marriage should be taken seriously. If things are rocky, do everything you can to fix the problems before you call it quits. With exception to abuse, cheating, and lack of commitment from the other partner. Those are the only reasons I would leave & feel completely okay with it.
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