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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Leave your spouse? Sickening?

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Does anyone else get so sick of society's tolerance, actually of their encouragement, to leave one own spouse? Aside of abusive or dangerous behaviors, (common sense please folks) I really don't see leaving as a justifiable solution to "finding happiness." 

I find it disturbing that the most common response to anyone's complaint that their marriage has hit a rough spot is: You deserve better, dump him/her. 

What happened to self accountability? What happened to showing support with solid suggestions as to how to build a better marriage? Like most skills in life, these have to be learned, implimented and practiced.

Why are we so happy to encourage and excuse one from a life long committment they made to someone, themselves and commonly God? We are not so tolerant of folks that neglect their kids "because it is too hard today." How about "I just don't feel like it anymore." Or better yet, "I've changed my mind." Then why do we suggest that someone bail when the going gets tough in a marriage?

If you don't build the foundation, the building will crumble. Telling someone that the next "relationship" will be better because it will be with someone else, just doesn't make sense. 

Do most people really think that "finding" is the key and not "building?" 

UPDATE:

Please do not read too much into this post. I am not judging people who divorce. I am trying not to judge at all. What I am trying to do is find out how many people cherish the vows they took and suggest that we consider offering support and encouragement to married folks. As I have been guilty of suggesting to a freind that "she deserved better" I am not trying to put anyone down for doing so. Instead, I am trying to share my current opinion that there are other alternatives to these suggestions. Ultimately, to be married or not, is up to the couple themselves. I choose to offer words of encouragement and support. (Remember, not in all cases should a marriage be saved.) Just generally speaking. Many blessing to you all and hug your spouse. :-)




by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 6:34 PM
Replies (31-40):
24clark
by Member on Feb. 5, 2013 at 12:45 AM

Wouldn't you call cheating a dangerous behavior? Specifically when you can be infected with a life threatening disease? I think I would.

I respect what you are saying but this post was meant to be directed more at the general view of the "love em and leave em" mentality that people hold. I see and hear more suggestions to walk away than to focus on the relationship and I feel it is an injustice to marriage. I would love to see folks offer suggestions of support in terms of how to work it out rather than instinctively say "walk away."  

Sounds to me like you made a wise choice from your description below. I am really glad you were not infected with anything from his wreckless behavior too. 

Quoting kristina0121:

I don't know.. I believe cheating is a more than valid reason for divorced when God says its the only reason for divorce! I'm not saying someone who is being abused should stay in that situation, but I don't agree with your statement that it is the only reason for divorce! My husband began cheating before our wedding. He cheated continuously for our entire 5 year marriage. He had women in my home, with my children sleeping, while I worked, doing cocaine and having sex. I am pretty sure I was valid in divorcing my husband! What about the risk of him catching an std and giving it to me? What if it were hiv and he passed it to me? I got a full panel done when we split and am thankful nothing showed up. I'm sorry but there is no "working on it" when our marriage was built on a lie!



Fields456
by Silver Member on Feb. 5, 2013 at 12:51 AM
1 mom liked this
I agree and I have been divorced. ( multiple cheating plus a hidden drug use he refused to give up. ). But I do think ppl are too quick to say divorce. Idk if u have seen the photo post on face book but its of too old ppl and it's days we grew up in a time where if it was broken we fixed it. I really love that. I am very happily married now. And we have had our ups and down. Some of which most would auto divorce over. But we worked through it and fixed it. And we have never been happier. :-)
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KimTaylor76
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 1:50 AM
1 mom liked this
I agree with you! I think people are just too lazy and selfish these days to think maybe there's some things I can work on, instead of just thinking there's something wrong with their spouse. It actually really makes me mad how quick people are to get married and then after two fights decide its not worth it.
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98765
by Silver Member on Feb. 5, 2013 at 6:37 AM
1 mom liked this

I completely and totally agree with you. Except for affairs (not even ONE on-night-stand) or abuse of any kind--substance, physical, emotional, verbal........there is no reason for divorce.  People are way to quick to give up because the other disagrees with something they say. Makes me very sick and unhappy.

EvilAsh
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 6:39 AM
1 mom liked this

I agree with this. However, I do think that there are some things that just cannot be forgiven, like cheating. That is a total deal breaker for me. I will not live being so unhappy and worrying about his every move. I would divorce and move on.

Quoting alexsmomaubrys2:

I tend to agree with you. I believe that marriage is something to be worked on and not given up on. Marriage should be fought for.


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alexsmomaubrys2
by Silver Member on Feb. 5, 2013 at 7:32 AM
1 mom liked this

I would be willing to work through an affair because one mistake shouldn't be the end of a relationship. As long as he wants to make it work as much as I do and is willing to put in the effort. 

I've seen many couples work through affairs and they went on to have long and happy marriages.

Quoting EvilAsh:

I agree with this. However, I do think that there are some things that just cannot be forgiven, like cheating. That is a total deal breaker for me. I will not live being so unhappy and worrying about his every move. I would divorce and move on.

Quoting alexsmomaubrys2:

I tend to agree with you. I believe that marriage is something to be worked on and not given up on. Marriage should be fought for.




EvilAsh
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 7:34 AM
1 mom liked this

Good for them, but I know I couldn't, nor would I ever want to. That's the biggest betrayal of trust. I could never fully trust him again. I wouldn't give a 2nd chance for that. 

Quoting alexsmomaubrys2:

I would be willing to work through an affair because one mistake shouldn't be the end of a relationship. As long as he wants to make it work as much as I do and is willing to put in the effort. 

I've seen many couples work through affairs and they went on to have long and happy marriages.

Quoting EvilAsh:

I agree with this. However, I do think that there are some things that just cannot be forgiven, like cheating. That is a total deal breaker for me. I will not live being so unhappy and worrying about his every move. I would divorce and move on.

Quoting alexsmomaubrys2:

I tend to agree with you. I believe that marriage is something to be worked on and not given up on. Marriage should be fought for.




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Miller0305
by Member on Feb. 5, 2013 at 7:37 AM
I don't think so. Especially what I read on cafemom, the BS so many of these women put up with ( like their DH spending his last $50 on a video game instead of shoes for his kids or spending every weekend partying with friends). I have more self respect and life is too short to stay in a marriage where only one person is putting in the effort and the other person is selfish and disconnected.
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kristina0121
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 7:56 AM
1 mom liked this
I understand what you mean, I really do. I have seen many posts where everyones first reaction is "leave him, you deserve better" and have though, wait this is fixable! A lot of women are also quick to blame the man fo his behavior when they don't realize that changing theirs will often change their mans. We never know the whole situation on here. Posters will only say what they want others to know.
Honestly one of th biggest that gets me is the "I've gained weight and hubby said I should work out cause he's not attracted to me anymore" then a bunch of women say "leave him, you don't deserve that" but really? I think your spouse is the only person that should be allowed to say anything. Communication is so very important and she should be happy he is telling her so she can change it, rather than going on for years and him leaving because she isn't what he wants anymore. She used to be an active beautiful healthy woman and now is lazy, doesn't care kind of woman. Its just something that can easily be worked through and some women find it easier to quit and I find it sad.


Quoting 24clark:

Wouldn't you call cheating a dangerous behavior? Specifically when you can be infected with a life threatening disease? I think I would.

I respect what you are saying but this post was meant to be directed more at the general view of the "love em and leave em" mentality that people hold. I see and hear more suggestions to walk away than to focus on the relationship and I feel it is an injustice to marriage. I would love to see folks offer suggestions of support in terms of how to work it out rather than instinctively say "walk away."  

Sounds to me like you made a wise choice from your description below. I am really glad you were not infected with anything from his wreckless behavior too. 


Quoting kristina0121:

I don't know.. I believe cheating is a more than valid reason for divorced when God says its the only reason for divorce! I'm not saying someone who is being abused should stay in that situation, but I don't agree with your statement that it is the only reason for divorce! My husband began cheating before our wedding. He cheated continuously for our entire 5 year marriage. He had women in my home, with my children sleeping, while I worked, doing cocaine and having sex. I am pretty sure I was valid in divorcing my husband! What about the risk of him catching an std and giving it to me? What if it were hiv and he passed it to me? I got a full panel done when we split and am thankful nothing showed up. I'm sorry but there is no "working on it" when our marriage was built on a lie!





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gr8d8n3mom
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 9:05 AM
1 mom liked this

I think society has made divorce so easily acceptable, & a lot of ppl (not all) go into marriage these days with the mind set that if it doesn't work(gets to hard, etc, they will "just divorce") I don't think(some ppl) don't actually take the vows for what they truly mean.  That being said. I'm a believer in doing all you can before you divorce, unless there is harm to you or your children. Then get the hell out fast!

I stayed in a marriage where for 16 yrs I was the one doing all the trying. You can't save a marriage where only 1 wants it.(My X was a chronic cheater)I went to counseling, he refused, he did go a few times and took it like a joke, I wanted my daughters to know what a good marriage was)  I was in a relationship after that for 3 yrs, that was abusive, I needed help of a police officer to get my daughter and I out of that.(he wasn't her father)...My grandmother stayed married for 25 yrs to my drunken, abusive grandfather and SHE worked 2 jobs to keep a roof over the heads of 6 children before she finally divorced him.

The other side of the coin of this is, some ppl(not all & not saying this topic) judge others that do divorce. They don't know their reasons. They don't know what they went thru. How long they tried to keep their marriage together etc. It saddens me when someones marriage goes thru a divorce. Yet, it might have been for a very good reason. Some of the reasons I hear, personally sicken me. I don't know how some of these ppl stayed for as long as they did.

Yes, I took my marriage vows seriously. Apparently my X didn't. I'm now remarried, and we both say we're stuck with each other! LOL. We have been together 5 yrs, married just a little over 2 &1/2. Much older and hopefully wiser! LOL


planning a wedding


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