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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Husband cheated with a man, now what?

Posted by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 8:41 PM
  • 116 Replies

I recently (6 weeks ago) found out my husband (of 13 years) had oral sex with a man. I was looking at our Ipad and discovered an email account my husband set up. Then i found on an online gay website site that he set up a profile for. I was able to access his email account and read numerous emails between him and another man discussing when and where to meet. Most of the conversations about where to meet where from my hisband. He took nude photo's of himself and emailed them to this man. A date was set, he took off work, met this man at a 3rd man's home. According to my husband he gave this man a blow job, the 2nd man gave him a blow job while the 3rd man watched and nothing furthur happended. After the "hoopk up" date my husband continued to email this man and discussed meeting up again and with the 3rd man joining in and possibly a 4th man. While reading the emails my husband sent to this man, prior to meeting him, my husband stated that this would be the 4th male he would be having sex with.

When I confronted my husband (by phone)  he denied the affair, then once i told him i was reading the emails and started to state word for word what he typed, he then sent me a text saying "yes i did it". I asked why, he stated he was curious about what it would be like to give a man a blow job and get one from a man. Said he has been curious since his early 20's, he is 38, about this and has never acted upon this curiosity. I asked about the 3 other men (he detailed encounters with them) he stated he previusly had sex with and he stated that he made it up so he wouldn't sound inexperienced. He stated it was something he wanted to do for a long time so he did it without thinking about how this would effect our marriage if caught. He said he had no intentions of meeting with this man again or any other man. I don't believe this since he continued to email him after the "hook up" date.  He said he doesn't know why he kept emailing him, he just did.

He is stating he loves me, wants to stay in this marriage, doesn't want a divorce, knows he messed up but wants another chance. I don't know if what he is stating is true, if he would have continued to cheat. I have never had any reason to believe my husband would have ever done anything like this with a woman or man, we don't fight or argue, have/had regular date nights and no issues in our marriage.  I don't understand how he could do this especially with a man and don't know what to do, stay or divorce?

Any advice/insight would be great!

by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 8:41 PM
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Replies (1-10):
MJP76
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 9:25 PM
1 mom liked this

He's lieing. He will cheat again.. Get out now.

steffielou_who
by Silver Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 9:27 PM
4 moms liked this

Ummmm.. He is gay! Get out now.. He will cheat again.. Believe it!

IMaBABYsMaMa
by Bronze Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 9:32 PM
1 mom liked this
I don't have a black or white answer. I would personally flip the f out. After I got over the initial shock I probably couldn't stay. The betrayal too severe always wondering and doubting his words. I'm so sorry. I'm in counseling now with my dh for a lesser offense and I still struggle. Maybe counseling for ya'll? I wish I could help more.
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JennPearce
by Jenn! on Feb. 4, 2013 at 9:47 PM
1 mom liked this
It sounds like he might be gay & he's been struggling with it for awhile..regardless if it was a man or woman it's still cheating. I'd say you guys need counseling. Not as much you but he definitely does to figure out why he did it & if he's gay.
hollydaze1974
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 9:49 PM
2 moms liked this
It's time to let go and let him be who he really is. I'm sorry.
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GELiz
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 9:52 PM

First question, Are there kids?

insist on counseling? I'm stumped. I would probably not get over this.

ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Feb. 4, 2013 at 9:55 PM
6 moms liked this

I don't think I could ever look at my husband the same way. I don't have a problem with gay people at all, but I didn't sign up to be a lifetime beard. Every time I went to kiss him, I'd envision his mouth around another dude's penis. Not the kind of visual I'm looking for when it comes to my husband.

Ladybugmama86
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 9:55 PM

 Sorry sweetie I say run like hell.

I am sorry.

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Babujai
by Bronze Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 9:55 PM
2 moms liked this
It sounds like you guys need some time apart...for you to heal and for him to figure out what/who he really wants. You guys definitely need counseling.
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lancet98
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 9:56 PM
4 moms liked this

Wives deal with this in different ways. 

 Some find it very insulting and a betrayal, just like an affair with a woman. - and would end the marriage if this was discovered

Others don't think of it that way.   They think, well, we have a good marriage, he is nice to me,  takes good care of the family, just has this 'thing' that he does.

Usually, though, when a guy is found out, they usually minimize how many times they did this and what it meant to them.  

Some of these men are gay, others are bisexual, others are just...on the down low. 

No one can really tell you how to feel about it or what you should do.   It's basically a matter of what your values are and how you view it.

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