Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

My mom doesn't approve of me getting married to my fiancé

Posted by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 6:22 PM
  • 36 Replies
1 mom liked this

Hi ladies, 

This has become a pretty big problem over the last few months. I have been engaged for a year already and I was planning to have the wedding mid year. However plans have all changed as my mom told my fiance that she will never come to our wedding and that she will never speak to him again ( and she hasnt) 

it all started when my family came to visit over the holidays. To give you a bit of background my fiance has had issues with her in the past, for example we resently purchased our first home and she was very unsuppportive and told us that we were wrong and it was a terrible idea. This hurt him deeply as it is very difficult to finance your first home these days and we are still only in our 20s. She told him that he is taking me away ( 2 hours from her) and that she wont have time to come see me. Anyway we have moved and now she thinks the place is great ( Because its by the beach) and wants to come over for 'holidays' all the time. 
She come over with the rest of the family durning the hoildays, and it didnt turn out well. She is very overbearing and tends to take over when she is around. Plus she invited my brothers girlfriends without even asking us first and their two dogs. We only have one spare room, so people were sleeping on the floor in the TV room as well.  It was crazy to say the least, there were wet clothes all over the place, towels from the beach everywhere and the kitchen was always messy because everyone just helped themselves to food and didnt tidy up. 
My fiance had enough on the last day and was acting a bit childis, I guess he just didnt want to deal with it anymore and ignored my whole family. I feel that was the wrong this to do , he should have been a but more mature and not ingnored people. He just stayed in our room until they left.
So long story short him and my mom ended up having a huge fight screaming and insulting each other. My mom called him low class and said she never she will never come to our wedding and that he is terrible to me and doesnt treat me well ( which is not true) and he told her that she shouldnt come back to our home because she never supported our move in the first place.

So they are not speaking to each other and im in the middle of it. My mom is saying horrible things about him and he is saying terrible things about my mom.

I love them both and its so difficult to defend both of them or take a side. They both did something wrong and neither want to say sorry.

Wedding plans are now off because my mom does not support my wedding, she has told me she hopes I dont marry him and that she will never see him again.

This is a really difficult situation I am in, its not a nice place to be. My fiance has his problems but he has always just loved and cared for me but its so difficult now because my mom will not support our marriage.

Just to make you see how serious it is....its my brothers birthday today and ive been told that I can come to his birthday party if I want but my fiance cant, he has to stay at home...how does she expect that I will leave him at home !
And because ive said that she says ive choosen him over my brother.....  

by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 6:22 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
klbetts
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 6:41 PM
My dad didn't support my current marriage either. I told him that he could put aside the petty behavior and be in our lives or he could stay away from us. As I had the only grand kid he had ever been a true grand parent to he changed his attitude. I would go ahead with the wedding you had planned. Just let mom know that you love her and always will BUT you are going to marry your df and if she wants a relationship with you she needs to let go of the petty crap. I would also sit down with df and let him know that he also needs to let go of the petty crap because it is causing you to lose your relationship with your mom. Good luck.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
mrswynn88
by Member on Feb. 5, 2013 at 6:48 PM
1 mom liked this
honestly in my opinion your parents cant choose who you are with just like us as their kids cant choose who they are with i wouldn't let her ruin my plans i would go ahead and get married anyway if you are happy and in love that's all that matters it doesn't matter what anyone wants you to do or what they think but that's just my opinion i hope things get better and everything works out for you and your fiancee hopefully your mom can learn to except that you love your fiancee and you are going to marry him at least she needs to do it for you
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
dinc
by Member on Feb. 5, 2013 at 6:53 PM

My parents threatened to not come to my wedding.  They had not gone to my sister's so they thought about not going to mine.  They did not like my fiance/now husband.  They thought a lot of things that weren't true.  They were always nice to him face to face. 

You have to decide whether to choose your fiance or your mother.  I think she might come around eventually.  Your fiance needs to be polite and respectful.  She is your mother and is a very important to you. I would ask your mom point blank why she doesn't like your fiance.  She may see things that you don't.

Get married.  You have to live your life.  My parents learned to like my husband.  We have been married for 33 years.

gigis1
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 7:03 PM
1 mom liked this

i know two wrongs done make a right but i think he acted childish cause she was acting childish first.... ask her to please go.. what did she expect ? for you to be on her ass your whole life ? no, we love our mom but we all need our space to make our own family

PrincessButton
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 7:04 PM

I think a lot of mothers have trouble letting go. I know my mother is having a hard time as well. She has made up this lie in her head that I am unhappy simply because I am not living the life she would choose (I am a 50's housewife type and trying to start a farm with my man. Not her idea of a fun time but I LOVE it!) I am sure the reason I don't have an engagment ring on this finger yet is because my SO feels guilty for being the center of my mother's and my problems :'( I have distanced myself from her recently and she is starting to miss me. I'm hoping he will realize that if she wants to be apart of my life she needs to respect my decisions as I am an adult. I hope your mother will realize that too! I think you need to have the wedding as planned, you're mother loves you and she will come around in due time. 

shimmifairy
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 7:13 PM

Thi8s is your life, not your mother's and you don't need - though you may want - her acceptance of your impending marriage....

Your man probably ignored them and stayed in your room because he was trying not to have a fight with anyone....

If this is the life you want with your man, then have it and don't let anyone elses' actions change that....if your mother won't come to the wedding, that's her loss....if your mother and your man have problems, let them work it out or not, it's not your problem, it's thiers....get out of the middle now or you'll be there forever...

tihone77
by Bronze Member on Feb. 5, 2013 at 8:28 PM

Wedding plans are now off because my mom does not support my wedding, she has told me she hopes I dont marry him and that she will never see him again.

If you really plan on marrying him this is a huge mistake.  You can't let family dictate your relationship-you are only sabotaging it.  Tell your mom and your df that you understand that they are upset, but to stop putting you in the middle.  There is no way for you to 'win' in this situation by playing mediator.  And in the future if your family tries to run over your (you and df) household (by inviting others, etc.) YOU need to put your foot down.  If it were his family then it would be his job.  Good luck. I know it's tough situation to be in.

Blue_Bee
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 9:18 PM



Quoting PrincessButton:

I think a lot of mothers have trouble letting go. I know my mother is having a hard time as well. She has made up this lie in her head that I am unhappy simply because I am not living the life she would choose (I am a 50's housewife type and trying to start a farm with my man. Not her idea of a fun time but I LOVE it!) I am sure the reason I don't have an engagment ring on this finger yet is because my SO feels guilty for being the center of my mother's and my problems :'( I have distanced myself from her recently and she is starting to miss me. I'm hoping he will realize that if she wants to be apart of my life she needs to respect my decisions as I am an adult. I hope your mother will realize that too! I think you need to have the wedding as planned, you're mother loves you and she will come around in due time. 


My mom also thinks im not happy because im not living my life the way she would want to. But she doesnt understand that im happy doing what do and living my life. She is convinced that she knows best and seems to think that she can just say and do whatever she wants. A few years ago she tired to tell me and my fiance where to live. 

Blue_Bee
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 9:20 PM



Quoting tihone77:

Wedding plans are now off because my mom does not support my wedding, she has told me she hopes I dont marry him and that she will never see him again.

If you really plan on marrying him this is a huge mistake.  You can't let family dictate your relationship-you are only sabotaging it.  Tell your mom and your df that you understand that they are upset, but to stop putting you in the middle.  There is no way for you to 'win' in this situation by playing mediator.  And in the future if your family tries to run over your (you and df) household (by inviting others, etc.) YOU need to put your foot down.  If it were his family then it would be his job.  Good luck. I know it's tough situation to be in.


You are right I shouldnt be letting this stop my wedding. My mom has tried to dictate other things in my life before and I shouldnt let her make me not have my wedding. The only problem is that is was going to be a small family and very close friends wedding and if she doesnt come then she has a way of convincing my dad and brothers (who are only young teens) not to come. 

catrig
by Bronze Member on Feb. 5, 2013 at 9:24 PM
1 mom liked this
You are a grown woman. Get marriwd whetheryour mom comes or not.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)