Totally hate that my first real post is a "vent" but I need to, if not just so i can fall asleep.
I love my DF with everything inside of me. I love who he is and what he represents. He has given up a lot for me, and matured greatly just to be with me, because I was/am that important to him. And I appriciate him so much for everything he does. So why do I have nights like tonight? Is it just pregnancy?
I am so irritated, and most of me doesnt even know why. I had a break down because we didnt have real food in the house and I was so tired of pizza rolls and hot pockets. He suggested talking to my mom about cleaning out the freezer so that we could actually go buy things and have a place to store it. I got mad because my mom cleaned the freezer a week ago and didnt even make a dent in it. I dont even know what she did. So I just swung open the freezer and started throwing everything on the floor. Stil bawling my eyes out because I was so hungry, and knew that going to walmart to get one thing so I could eat would not keep this from happening again tomorrow. I was so tired of going to the store every other day just to get enough for a meal or two because there just isnt room. I knew this was all pregnancy hormones and I was just freaking hungry and wanted to feed my baby. Df was absolutely awesome. As I threw the things on the floor he went through them and sorted meats from snacks from veggies from fruits. So once I got the freezer emptied it was easy to know what I had and could simply put it away. I told him what I wanted, he handed them to me so I didnt have to lean down. He was so patient and so nice. By the time I got done, I had a huge empty section to put frozen meats at when I bought them.
He had made food for himself before my freezer cleaning part of the break down so once I got the freezer filled he ate and went to walmart with me. By the time we started shopping I felt better. I felt a sense of relief and hope. And then WAM! There was BBQ pulled pork all ready to eat. I love BBQ pulled pork, BUT the only BBQ sauce I know I like is honey BBQ. 90% of them out there are too spicy/hot for me. This was honey hickory BBQ sauce coated. I asked him if he thought it would be more spicy than I like. He just kept compairing it to other foods or using other words for hickory and it wasnt helping at all. He loves spicy foods so he doesnt think its spicy at all, but I am so sensitive to them. I got so angry at him for not being able to answer me that I had another break down. He just stayed close to me and was there to talk again when I was ready (He knows that if my break down is from him, not to try to calm me down or hold me. He is to just be there for when I am ready to talk). I knew it wasnt his fault. I called my mom and asked her and she was able to help me, so I then felt better. We continued our shopping with talking and such.
Things were fine. We came home and put the food away, hung out with the parents for a little bit. While I cooked myself food, he started playing a computer game and everything was just fine. I get on here after I eat and read through things, and all is well. Then BAM! 10pm hits and I all of a sudden get upset. Im bored. Hes playing his stupid game again (which I was fine with a minute before). I want to do something and its late and I know he wont be for going to walmart and wondering around, but I absolutely dont want to go by myself. So then he is in trouble. I am upset with him for not reading my mind. BUT I do know its not his fault so I just lay down in bed and close my eyes thinking "maybe if I just fall asleep, Ill be ok."
20 minutes goes by before he comes to me. He asks me if I am mad at him and I say no (because I knew I didnt have a right to be). He goes out and smokes (Im guesing), comes back, crawls in bed, and goes to sleep. I get no snuggles. He doesnt even tell me goodnight like he usually does. So now, I am awake, wanting to wake him up to scream at him for not even telling me goodnight. He played his stupid game and then went straight to bed. UGH! He gets so upset with me when I wake him and start yelling. But it seems like I dont get angry enough to talk, or I dont feel I have a right to get mad, until he falls asleep. I was upset. He knew I was upset, and he ignored me getting into bed anyways. He never asked what was wrong, just wanted to make sure I wasnt mad at him. He knows I want snuggles when I am upset, and its not at him, unless I am up and doing stuff because of my breakdowns, like the food/freezer incident. Although even then, before the freezer part, he knew to give me a hug and held me while I cried. Thats when he suggested the freezer cleaning. Just ugh ! I hate this.
Am I just extra cranky at night because Im tired and pregnant? I have horrible pregnancy isomnia. I cant take naps, even when I want to and try. Its almost midnight. I want to wake him, scream and yell at him, and make him stay awake to snuggle me. Is it possible I just hate that he so easily falls asleep and I just lay there for hours, and his has just built up over time? I truely just dont know. I am lost. I hate yelling at him. Especially when he is so perfect to me all day and then its him falling asleep that sets me off. Just grrr. I dont want him leaving me because of this. He has never threatened too, but I feel he has a right, and I think some days I am just waiting for it to happen and I cause a larger fight than neccessary. Just grr. I love him so much.
***and for those of you who dont get it. I guess you are one of the lucky ones who havent had severe pregnancy emotional roller coasters. Good for you. Yes, most of my breakdowns are silly, but doesnt mean they are silly when they are happening. Yes, I am lucky to have him, pretty sure I already stated that. Bed time is the only ime I actually "attack" him, and that is what I am looking for help on. Even when I get mad at him during the day, I am able to rememind myself that it is just pregnancy hormones and it isnt his fault I am mad. It is just something about night time. I dont hit him, I dont throw things at him, I dont call him names, I just yell about how I feel and what I think he is doing wrong. But I promise you just putting me down isnt giving advice or tips on how to help. I was pretty sure this group was meant to share good times and bad, and help when possible.***