Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

How Long is Too Long to Wait... (Valentine's Day Update)

Posted by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:57 PM
  • 11 Replies

 to get married?  He asked me four years ago and we have been together for six years in July.  I feel I have been more than patient.  I feel it is one excuse after another and I am tired.  Yes, we hurt each other and I understand he is trying to get over it but I feel alone while in a relationship and I deserve better.  What I mean is he has his own room and Karter (our ten month old) and I share the master bedroom.  He is still in the other room because when I broke up with him last summer, I kicked him out of our room.  I honestly told him it was inappropriate for us to share a bed when we aren't together.  After much protest, he finally left.  He asked me a few months ago to try again because he wanted his family and he has been getting signs that we should try again. 

Today, I asked him how we would co-parent and financially provide for our son without either one of us struggling.  I told him I wasn't mad and he went on and on about how he provides and why he can't continue to do that.  Am I wrong for wanting to be married?  I have given this man five years of my life and love him with all my heart.  He is also getting treated like a husband so I deserve to be a wife.  It is much more than a piece of paper to me.  Actions speak louder than words and that will prove to me that he is serious about wanting his family by giving me the ultimate commitment. 

The first excuse was he wanted a wedding, I don't. I would rather spend that money on buying a home or something else.  I am divorced and vowed to never marry again because it was very painful and tough for me.  I am crying as I am typing this and want to be with him but only as my husband, I am done shacking up with my child's father.  Am I wrong to feel this way?  He says he wants to marry me and I feel if he wanted to be my husband, we would be married by now.  I am tired of how he is trying to get over things.  He hurt me too but I truly forgave him and don't throw it in his face because I am really trying to move forward and understand everyone makes mistakes.

Any thoughts, suggestions, encouragement, etc?

Thanks Ladies

UPDATE

I sent my son to spend the night at my friend's house on Tuesday and gave him my Valentine's Day surprise then.  Today, I had beautiful flowers, a card and dinner waiting for me when I got home tonight.  This makes my decision so much harder.  We had a nice time and hope it continues even if I still decide to move out.

How was your Valentine's Day?

by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:57 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
shadow_lark
by Silver Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 12:01 AM
3 moms liked this
Yea...don't get married yet. You are not wrong for wanting to get married but it seems like you aren't wanting to get married for the right reasons. And on top if that, you still have unresolved issues that need help before you make that permanent of a commitment. Go to counseling together and work from there.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
jesuschild06
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 12:08 AM

agreed. 


Quoting shadow_lark:

Yea...don't get married yet. You are not wrong for wanting to get married but it seems like you aren't wanting to get married for the right reasons. And on top if that, you still have unresolved issues that need help before you make that permanent of a commitment. Go to counseling together and work from there.



MagicTemptation
by Christina on Feb. 8, 2013 at 1:01 AM
1 mom liked this

You broke up with him, kicked him out of the room. Of course I can see how you feel alone. There are unresolved issues that you and he need to work on before marrying. You get married, all those issues will still be there. What if you can't work through those issues? You kicked him out once, if you marry and those issues continue to carry on where do you see yall going?

MixedCooke
by Silver Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 2:58 AM
1 mom liked this

Elope and be doe with it.  have a few family and friends there and he gets his wedding and you get your wife status.  Yes having a home is more important than spending thousands on a party!

misslady80013
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 4:03 AM
We have already tried counseling, he refuses to return because the therapist was honest and told him to stop making excuses. I don't bring up the old stuff, he does. I am just tired of the excuses and will not continue to wait when I deserve more than what I get from him.

Quoting shadow_lark:

Yea...don't get married yet. You are not wrong for wanting to get married but it seems like you aren't wanting to get married for the right reasons. And on top if that, you still have unresolved issues that need help before you make that permanent of a commitment. Go to counseling together and work from there.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
misslady80013
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 4:12 AM
I did break up with him because he told me he was conversing with another woman and couldn't promise me he would stop and talk to me about our issues at that time. If I can't do that, he can't either. I felt it was inappropriate to share a hed with someone you are no longer with. When he asked to try again, I didn't answer right away. I took a few days to make sure this was what I wanted, I still do but only as a wife. I believe as long as both peoe try, any relationship can get through anything. He only came to me and asked to try again once he saw others were interested and I was given flowers and dating. It didn't feel right and I could only think about and want to spend time with him. If we were married, I would fight harder for my relationship. I understand what you are saying but with him being my husband, I would continue to fight. I refuse to keep doing this for my child's father who isn't my husband. He has the unresolved issues and that is why I feel I need to leave and give him space.

Quoting MagicTemptation:

You broke up with him, kicked him out of the room. Of course I can see how you feel alone. There are unresolved issues that you and he need to work on before marrying. You get married, all those issues will still be there. What if you can't work through those issues? You kicked him out once, if you marry and those issues continue to carry on where do you see yall going?

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
misslady80013
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 4:14 AM
I would love to but that isn't going to happen. I feel if he was serious about becoming my husband, he would be by now. It is more than a status to me. He would be showing me he does want our family as much as I do.

Quoting MixedCooke:

Elope and be doe with it.  have a few family and friends there and he gets his wedding and you get your wife status.  Yes having a home is more important than spending thousands on a party!

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
MixedCooke
by Silver Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 4:40 AM
1 mom liked this

 Im confused then.  Did he ask you to marry him? nomally once you are engaged, it really is however long it takes you to plan your wedding with maybe a delay if someone wanted to finish college or whatever.  I was enaged in May and married the following March that isnt to say i didnt have my share of waiting too.  We were together about 7 years and I finally gave him an ultimatum of either we get married or we broke up.  We will be married for 7 years in March.  Pretty sure it is time you give him your ultimatum and see where the cards fall.  If a man doesnt have the drive, sometimes you have to scoot him over and take the wheel!

 

Quoting misslady80013:

I would love to but that isn't going to happen. I feel if he was serious about becoming my husband, he would be by now. It is more than a status to me. He would be showing me he does want our family as much as I do.

Quoting MixedCooke:

Elope and be doe with it.  have a few family and friends there and he gets his wedding and you get your wife status.  Yes having a home is more important than spending thousands on a party!

 

 

misslady80013
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 5:02 AM
Yes, he asked me to marry him almost five years ago. I thought about the ultimatum but I want him to marry me because he wants to and not because he feels forced. It is great it worked for you though and congrats. :)

I am hoping me leaving will be the wake up call he needs. I want him to understand how serious I am and can show him better than I have been telling him. If it doesn't work out, at least I will be free to find the person who is supposed to be my husband and will do right by my son and I.


Quoting MixedCooke:

 Im confused then.  Did he ask you to marry him? nomally once you are engaged, it really is however long it takes you to plan your wedding with maybe a delay if someone wanted to finish college or whatever.  I was enaged in May and married the following March that isnt to say i didnt have my share of waiting too.  We were together about 7 years and I finally gave him an ultimatum of either we get married or we broke up.  We will be married for 7 years in March.  Pretty sure it is time you give him your ultimatum and see where the cards fall.  If a man doesnt have the drive, sometimes you have to scoot him over and take the wheel!


 


Quoting misslady80013:

I would love to but that isn't going to happen. I feel if he was serious about becoming my husband, he would be by now. It is more than a status to me. He would be showing me he does want our family as much as I do.


Quoting MixedCooke:


Elope and be doe with it.  have a few family and friends there and he gets his wedding and you get your wife status.  Yes having a home is more important than spending thousands on a party!


 


 

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Lindalou907
by Silver Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 5:25 AM
1 mom liked this

Since you have a child together, and you live together, just BE a family, pressuring him to marry you won't work, he has to want it. And kicking him out of the bedroom won't work either, just separate entirely or be together. That's just my opinion honey, good luck to you!

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN