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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

What should I do...DHs and my difference of opinion on something important (PIOG)

Posted by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:07 AM
  • 17 Replies
I take my DHs respect for me very seriously, I want nothing more than to be the amazing woman he deserves.

My brother has a gf and their morals and values are different than mine and DHs. I have limited my and my children's time with them because I don't want them to have a huge influence on the kids. My DH hardly sees them because he just really can't stand especially the gf. He sees them just on holidays. They live with my parents so I see them a little more often but they all just moved a bit further away so I tend to meet my parents out or they come to my kids' events.

Anyway, the gf just had a baby very very early. He is in the nicu at a hospital fairly close to us. The gf is staying with him, my brother has been there but has to go back to work.

I understand DH not wanting me to visit too often (he has not said a negative word about me visiting, I just know him) and to not get too attached to the baby or build too close of a bond with the mom.

I feel like visiting a couple times a week and bringing something when I do is the right thing to do for family despite our differences (there is really a ton of history, I have had so many people ask why I even talk to my family after what they put me through...I have a lot of reasons and I can share any of that if anyone wants to know more).

I want to stand up for what I feel is right but at the same time I don't want DH to change his opinion of me. He has thought every time I rebuild a relationship with my family they have done more to hurt me, it's very true and every time I think it will be different. But I feel like I need to try, I need to see this baby while he is growing. I may not be a huge part of his life after he leaves the hospital but I could at least say I was there when I could be.

Any advice? What would you do? Please take into consideration that DH doesn't really want me around them bc it's very hard for him to see me hurt over and over again. And he is always there for me when things fall apart.
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by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:07 AM
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Replies (1-10):
briebaby123
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:16 AM

Well...do you want anything more to happen once they're out of the hospital? Or is this a, "just for now" type of thing??
If you DON'T want a close relationship with this woman, don't make it out to be more than what it really is...but I bet it is SO hard for her to see her baby in the NICU and to be alone, and to have your brother going back to work.
Babies tend to change some people....so maybe just take it one day at a time? And your hubby will love you no matter what, he may even see the loving, caring side of you that has drawn him in time and time again. He hurts when you hurt, that's why he doesn't want to see you hurt over and over again (I'm in a similar spot), but I don't think you'll lose his respect. 

pristine729
by Bronze Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:23 AM
1 mom liked this
I would do what you feel is best... It's hard to ignore the feeling of needing to be with your niece/nephew. Your husband is a good man and stands by you. He let's you decide and supports you. That's wonderful.



Go be with the baby.
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KimTaylor76
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:47 AM
2 moms liked this
I don't think he would think less of you for helping someone out, especially since its someone you're not particularly fond of. If anything I would think he would respect you more for doing what you think is the right thing to do when its not easy for you. I can understand him not loving you being around them a ton because of negative influences and all that, but I think there's a lot to be said about someone who will step up and help someone who is hurting without needing to be asked. :) you sound like a sweet, reasonable person, I'm sure you'll do the right thing.
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PrincessButton
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:52 AM

I have a bat shit crazy family who is unkind to me and my SO rightfully doesn't like them so I can understand where you are coming from. In my opinion, if in your heart you feel you should be there then  you should continue to go. Your DH loves you for who you are and it is obvious you are a loving, caring woman willing to put aside conflict to be there for someone in their time of need. I see what you're saying about your DH changing his opinion of you (I've worried over the same thing for simlular reasons) but at the end of the day you two love and respect one another, I'm sure he understands how difficult this is for you and respects any decision you make regarding it. Good luck hunny!    

jmlmomma
by Bronze Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:53 AM

They are family no matter what happened or happens. Sounds like you've not talked about this to your husband either.. I don't know that details of your relationship with your family but I would say that baby deserves a decent person in it's life either way... 

Talk to your husband and go see that baby be there for it if not for it's mother.

Graidyn
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 8:05 AM
1 mom liked this

All I can say is this : My Dh has an incredibly difficult mother and she creates drama and pain wherever she goes. She has hurt me, the kids, his brothers, sil's, him, everyone. We cut her out of our life and then a few months (sometimes years) later he lets her back in. He does the same with one of his brothers. I keep my guard up better and I minimize the damage to my children. I can't be upset with him because they are his family. I lose no respect for him because that forgiving, patient, loving temperament is one of the things that made me fall in love with him and that makes him who he is. And that is someone I love more than anything. 

So - maybe he won't lose respect for you, maybe he just needs to understand your position better so he can realize it's who you are.

sheena696
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 8:49 AM

It's really hard to give an opinion since there is obviously so much going on within your family to get you to the point that you are at today. I can only say that for me, my siblings are always going to be in my life..no matter if they do things that I don't agree with. I plan to always be the aunt that I never got to have. This is from my own experience as a child whose grandparents and most aunts/uncles were not in my life for varying reasons. I was a very happy child, but I grew feeling like I was missing out on those relationships. And I was. But I don't regret them not being in my life. *ETA* Because for me, I didn't want anyone in my life that didn't love me enough to be there. My point is, if it is not something you can get over, then not being in their life is the best. But please don't throw a relationship away if it can be helped. 

C.Fleury
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 8:54 AM
Regardless of what is going on between your brother and SIL, that innocent baby was born into this world. If you feel you need to go see that baby, than by all means go see that baby. Your husband will understand and he won't look at you differently for caring about an innocent baby.

Good luck hun
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i.heart.myboys
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 9:05 AM


Quoting pristine729:

I would do what you feel you is best... It's hard to ignore the feeling of needing to be with your niece/nephew. Your husband is a good man and stands by you. He let's you decide and supports you. That's wonderful.



Go be with the baby.
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Miller0305
by Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 9:09 AM
1 mom liked this

You and your husband sound very judgemental.

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