Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

falling out of sync?

Posted by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 2:30 PM
  • 14 Replies

my husband and i have been together since 1997,moved in together 2001, engaged 2003, married 2004, bought house 2007, baby in 2011. DS just turned 2. we might have one more kid but the stress of a child has changed the relationship so drastically its been a heavy adjustment. i've been a SAHM the whole time and got my old job back but am still waiting to be officially rehired. while having DS has been absolutely awesome, me beign the one home and therefore with a stronger bond to our son seems to have caused part of the problem between my husband and i. while we used to talk and joke constantly, we've also always had seperate intrests and groups of friends as well as mutual. we've travelled, gone to tons of concerts, dates etc. anyway being home, i do 90% chores, groceries, errands and childcare. i babysit another toddler twice a week as well. we fight a lot, mostly about these chores etc. the overwhelming problem i feel, though is that he is unhappy, where i am happy in spite of the fighting, i would just like to work it out and get over the issue. he doesn't seem to be getting the joy out of life. i have learned to balance everything and would like him to talk to me and also be romantic. one way i got a response, i noticed was to actually complain about DS when really it doesn't bother me if he is difficult (he is 2 lol) but i knew DH would react. anyone else experience drastic change after child? how did you keep your marriage strong? did going back to work full time even the playing field so to speak?

sarah

by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 2:30 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Hottmomma607
by Trica on Feb. 12, 2013 at 12:48 AM
3 moms liked this
We keep the communication lines open and make sure we have time together!
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
witch_e_woman
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 12:55 AM
1 mom liked this

 Yes, in a way. My 2nd husband got jealous, so jealous he followed me to work were I was a cashier at the time & would stand behind me -back against the wall- watching me....It was awful...He used to accuse me of sleeping w/ some of my customers when I wasnt...It was hell.

sarahfaith123
by Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 7:46 AM
1 mom liked this

 

yea that sounds like hell. you broke up huh?

Quoting witch_e_woman:

 Yes, in a way. My 2nd husband got jealous, so jealous he followed me to work were I was a cashier at the time & would stand behind me -back against the wall- watching me....It was awful...He used to accuse me of sleeping w/ some of my customers when I wasnt...It was hell.


 

ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Feb. 12, 2013 at 10:52 AM
1 mom liked this

Remember those tv commercials with the tagline, "A baby changes everything"? They weren't kidding. It can be a rough balance. You add a cute, little, lovable little ball of energy into your lives that requires constant attention, attention you used to pay to yourself and your husband. Some men do get honest to goodness jealous of their children when they are babies and toddlers. My husband did, as irrational as it sounds. Your life isn't anything at all like it used to be. It's not easy, and much more expensive, to travel, go to concerts, and go on dates, and if you did what would you talk about? Likely, you son, the whole time. It's like a double whammy. It's a weird time in a man's life, trying to adjust to not being #1 anymore. Men are selfish creatures, they choose us because we feed their egos and treat them like they are the most important things in the world, only to have them shoved out of the way by a little bundle they help create. It's why a lot of men cheat, what they say when confronted with the "why" of it is that they other woman made them feel special.  My husband went through a huge depression when he didn't feel special anymore, half because of the baby, and half because he knew he was a shitty father for harboring resentment, and gained like 75 pounds. I wish I could say that there was one event that changed anything or made it better, but there wasn't. Well, I take that back, we moved. After we moved everything changed and our lives started over again. 

Good luck to you.

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 11:14 AM
1 mom liked this

 We have a 2 year old. 6 months preggo as well. Also married in 2004. The difference is I never stayed home. I don't have the personality for that. Our jobs are in a similar field (he does drug testing and I work for a criminal defense lawyer) so we have lots of things to talk about other than our DS. Not that DS hasn't totally taken over our lives. Our last marriage counseling session was about how we should be handeling DS's tantrums. I guess I'm really blessed in that my DH adores being a father and he's awesome at it. Anyway, keep up your interests. It's important not to give yourself over to the mom role 100%. I'm still me and I still like to do whacky things that give my DH plenty to discuss. ;) Oh, we cuddle a lot. I'm a natural cuddler so he just can't escape it.

kirbymom
by Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 12:57 PM
1 mom liked this

Hi sweety.  Welcome.  :)

What you need to do is actively seek out your hubby and actively find things that he and you both have had an interest in and talk about them/it.  You do not necessarily have to talk about your son every time you have a conversation.  You can ask hubby about his day at work. Ask him about any news he has heard.  Ask him about his opinions.  Or any good jokes he may have heard. These are things that keep a good line of communication open between two people. Especially two married people.  You may also tell him any news that you have heard.  Marriage is just like a job. You have to work it every day. You have to listen and have to communicate. You have to cultivate it like you would a garden.  You have to be willing to work on it even when you don't feel like it. Then aside from that, you should work on your private time. Trying to make things happen even if it doesn't, is still better than not trying anything at all. Even if all you do is cuddle or have a few minutes together.  Eventually, the situation will change and become more positive.  So, just keep trying and working on this andd you two should come out the other side winners.  :)  

gonecrazi
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 1:01 PM
1 mom liked this

I am a SAHM. We talk about everything from his work to what happened at home that day.

Mrs.Vallo
by Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 1:13 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting gonecrazi:

I am a SAHM. We talk about everything from his work to what happened at home that day.


Follow Me on Pinterest

sarahfaith123
by Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 11:50 PM

 

thank you so much, this is such an honest answer. i'm not sure yet but i'm going to continue to try to talk to him.

Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

Remember those tv commercials with the tagline, "A baby changes everything"? They weren't kidding. It can be a rough balance. You add a cute, little, lovable little ball of energy into your lives that requires constant attention, attention you used to pay to yourself and your husband. Some men do get honest to goodness jealous of their children when they are babies and toddlers. My husband did, as irrational as it sounds. Your life isn't anything at all like it used to be. It's not easy, and much more expensive, to travel, go to concerts, and go on dates, and if you did what would you talk about? Likely, you son, the whole time. It's like a double whammy. It's a weird time in a man's life, trying to adjust to not being #1 anymore. Men are selfish creatures, they choose us because we feed their egos and treat them like they are the most important things in the world, only to have them shoved out of the way by a little bundle they help create. It's why a lot of men cheat, what they say when confronted with the "why" of it is that they other woman made them feel special.  My husband went through a huge depression when he didn't feel special anymore, half because of the baby, and half because he knew he was a shitty father for harboring resentment, and gained like 75 pounds. I wish I could say that there was one event that changed anything or made it better, but there wasn't. Well, I take that back, we moved. After we moved everything changed and our lives started over again. 

Good luck to you.


 

sarah

sarahfaith123
by Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 11:52 PM
1 mom liked this

 yea, thank you. you have a point. i also agree with the "private time' i could certainly try more in that arena. thanks.

Quoting kirbymom:

Hi sweety.  Welcome.  :)

What you need to do is actively seek out your hubby and actively find things that he and you both have had an interest in and talk about them/it.  You do not necessarily have to talk about your son every time you have a conversation.  You can ask hubby about his day at work. Ask him about any news he has heard.  Ask him about his opinions.  Or any good jokes he may have heard. These are things that keep a good line of communication open between two people. Especially two married people.  You may also tell him any news that you have heard.  Marriage is just like a job. You have to work it every day. You have to listen and have to communicate. You have to cultivate it like you would a garden.  You have to be willing to work on it even when you don't feel like it. Then aside from that, you should work on your private time. Trying to make things happen even if it doesn't, is still better than not trying anything at all. Even if all you do is cuddle or have a few minutes together.  Eventually, the situation will change and become more positive.  So, just keep trying and working on this andd you two should come out the other side winners.  :)  


 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)