Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

I just need an outside veiw. please no bashing *LONG*

Posted by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 10:36 PM
  • 21 Replies

So i will try to make this a short as I can, but get my point across. I'm married, but i think im in love with someone else.

 My DH got together when i was 18 and he was 28. It was on of those things where i saw him and thought i loved him. We were good friends for a little while and had a lot of mutual friends. But one day something just clicked, i wanted to be more than friends.

So after about two weeks of bugging him, he finally agreed to go out with me. Things went very well for the first few months. But then things went down hill. Long story short, he just was not there for me like i wanted. he would be there when he had to, or when he wanted, but never the little things. So i kinda got close to another man. A very old friend that i had known for years. We hung out a few times, and it was amazing. But a few weeks later, i find out im pregnant, only two months after we started dating. So i told the other man that i wanted to make it work with my childs father and be a family. Yes i know its my husbands because i never slept with the other man.

So he got exited about the baby. Got us a little apartment together and things went pretty well. He seemed like he really wanted to be a family. Well then i started talking about marriage and moving forward. He said not yet. So i let it go till after My DD was born. But a few months after she was born, i started to feel weird about having a baby and not being married. So every few months, i would bring it up, and he would get very upset with me. I know i shouldn't have bugged him, but all i have wanted was a family. I grew up in a very bad situation. A whole nother story. lol. So that went on for about a year and a half. Then i brought up that maybe we should try for a second child. That caused so many fights, so many night of tears and falling asleep upset. It became to wear i was never happy. I was always so sad about it. All i wanted was a family. I wanted a husband. children and to be happy. He finally got mad enough that gave in and said fine if it will shut you up, i will marry you. Then a few months later, he finally said the same thing, if you wont give it up, go off your pills and you can have another baby.

So thats how my life has been the last 3 years. always looking at my marriage like it means nothing to him. When we get into a fight, he always brings it up. And its a horrible feeling to look at my 8 month old son, and think that i had to make my husband have him. I love my children more than anything. I dont regret for one second ever having them. They are my whole world. He just treats me like im nothing to him. i feel lower in his eyes then his friends. He makes me feel worthless. He works, comes home and sits on his computer. Never spends time with me. If i ask him to sit with me or do anything, it always im doing something or im tired. I just want a little attention to from him. To feel like i mean something. When he does get up from his desk, i go up to him and try to give him a hug or kiss, he does not return it. It feels like hes thinking maybe if i just stand still, she will let go. I never get loving embraces. I would love for him to come up beind me and wrap him arms around me and love on me, but he never does. When we go to bed, i would love to be in his arms, but no, he may let me lay with him for 3 minutes, then its like im tired goodnight. And rolls over away from me. It always feels as tho im living with a roommate that i have sex with every one in a while. Sex is so bad between us. It always about him getting off. Its never romantic or sweet. It always to the point and were done. He gets up right after, no kissing, cuddling, and goes and smokes and goes to sleep. Its always im to hot to cuddle or i want to go to bed.

But this other man is my dream come true. He begged me to stay with him when i found out i was pregnant. He kept telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me and raise the baby with me. But i couldn't. He was the type that when we were together it was always about me. Holding my hand, hand on my leg, sweet kisses. Anytime he got the chance, he had me in his arms. I remember one night i had just found out i was pregnant and was not feeling the best, and we were over a friends house watching  a movie, and he laid the long way on the couch and i sat between his legs laying back on him. His hand on my belly trying to make me feel better. My husband never one in 4 1/2 has ever made me feel the way he did that night. We were hanging out with friends one night and i was stupid and had to much pop and candy at once and put me into some kind of contractions, i tried calling my husband, boyfriend at the time and he never answered. He ended up calling an ambulance and going to the hospital. i remember him sitting there rubbing my back until they got there. Then when they had me on the stretcher, i remember looking back at him and him saying i love you. He never once left my side in the hospital. My DH finally answered his phone and all he said was ok keep me updated on the baby. I was pissed.

So now here we are 3, almost 4 years later and he moved 26 hours away about 3 years ago. We kinda lost contact, but now for about 2 months, we have talked every day, all day. He makes me feel 100 times better being that far away than m husband does right by me. I have a lot of issues from when i was a child and young teen, that im just now at 22 working through. And all my husband does it tell me to get over it and move on. The other man has stopped whenever he was doing, woke up in the middle of the night, just to talk to me for hours wen i needed someone. He really wants to be with me and my kids. He wants to give me the whole world. To be that rock i need to get over my issues im trying to work through.

But my problem is my kids. My husband is an amzing father most of the time. My kids just think the work of him. And he does great caring for them, and he does great providing for us money wise. But i need more. I need to feel loved, that i mean something to the man i share my life with.

So i guess my question is, am asking for ti much from my husband? Am i to needy? Should i be unhappy to give my kids there dad everyday. I dont want to be one of thoes moms that their kids look at 10 years down the road and say why did you take my dad from me. I grew up like that. HELP!!!!

by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 10:36 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 10:57 PM
First off hugs!!!!!! I know this has to be hard to deal with. I can understand some of the things you say. My soon to be ex didn't do some of these things but in my situation I am seeing why he didn't know. I was married for all the wrong reasons. I felt stuck. I wasn't even sure if I loved him anymore. I started pushing him away because of it too. I had no confidence or self esteem what so ever. We are separated and I'm working on myself and I have realized a ton of things now. I am gaining confidence and realizing just how much I do love myself. Basically I'm saying really look at yourself and figure out if you really do love your hubby. Then once you figure it out you will know what to do. Honestly you are messing up completely by talking to another man though. That is a huge issue and I'm sure you have pushed your hubby away because you are getting closer to the other man. You should tell him you have to stop talking to him and figure out you and what you really want. If he really does care about you he will understand that. Good luck hun with whatever you decide. Only you can decide what is best for you and your family though!!
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 11:04 PM

My Mother has always said the grass is not always greener on the other side.  Can you see a counselor to discuss this and your issues from childhood?  This is a huge decision but I think you need to step back to see the whole picture.  If you do decide to go with the other man, make a very strong attempt to have the kids spend time with their dad and do not make them call this other person dad.  I have to wonder why the other man is still hanging on you, why hasn't he moved on?  You have to be the one making up your mind and not regretting whatever you decide for the rest of your life.  Can you sit down, make for sure your husband knows you are serious, and ask him the questions you are wondering about, at least give him a chance.

by Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 8:06 AM
if u are not happy ur kids wont be either. It sounds like he may be resenting u. But u arent being too needy. Ur a woman u need these things. Love and affection are very important. I would have a conversation about all of this with him minus the other guy and see what he says. Ask him why and what both of can do to make it a loving relationship. An unhealthy relationship. Is an healthy life for ur kids. If u still can't get anywhere and u have some who will treat u well provide u with a home, support u financially comfortably, and treat ur kids like his own; maybe it could be a possibility. But b4 u pack up let him know that u will leave him and are going to if things don't change. Sometimes that makes men take a second look. Good luck. I'm sorry u are having to be treated so poorly.

Ps if he is s good dad it would be in ur childrens best Interest to keep him a part of their lives, just not yours. That way they dont feel like their biological dad was removed from them. When they get olderkids can become resentful about stuff like that.
by Melissa on Feb. 12, 2013 at 8:14 AM

WOW.. I read this and wanted to cry for you. I understand that the father may be good most of the time, but you deserve to be loved..truly loved. 

Don't raise your kids in a house where a father can't love the mother. The kids will see that as their example growing up. I am quite sure you don't want your kids thinking that is normal.  

Hugs sweetie. In this case, I would say follow your heart. Your kids will be thankful when both parents are happy and not "stuck" in a unhappy, unloving marriage. 

by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 8:29 AM

You are not asking to much, you just learned a valuable lesson. You got pregnant by the man did not mean that you needed to marry the man. I am not saying that at some point he may love you as well but at the moment he may feel a little resentment because he married before he was ready. Now that you are with him I say love the one you are with. I do feel that you can find what you want with this man you just have to work on it. The other guy may naturally be loving, you have to teach your DH to show you the love that you want.

Everyone has different love styles you just did not pick someone that had the love style that you want. He can learn to love you. You guys are young, in marriage their is always something to work on. I feel that you should talk to your dh without whining and see if he is willing to give you what you need. I have a theory if he isn't doing what you want then you are just spoiled. If your dh is not giving you what you need then your relationship is in trouble. Does he know how you feel? If you need the affection please let him know and then work on it.

by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 10:15 AM

I will probably be the only one saying this but just so you know where I am coming from I am a conservative Christian.  I think you have had an emotional affair with the guy you are not married to.  I think you need to distance yourself from him (no calls, no emails, etc.)  I would be devastated if my DH had the same relationship like you had with that other guy with another female.

by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 10:18 AM
Honey kids know when parents arent happy and it effects them even later in life..
My advice is srrch your with your husband ask him if he happy being married tell him how you feel if hes a good father that wont change with divorce.. Life is way to short to live in misery..Trust me i stayed in bad marriage it effected my kids lifes. Hugs to you and best of luck we all deserved to be love n be loved back..My prayers to you..
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by Casey on Feb. 12, 2013 at 10:33 AM

I'm not really capable of being nice here. You made your bed, you drug two kids into it with you, and now you are lying in it. I don't think you should be with ANYONE, because I don't think you are capable of making adult decisions about relationships on your own. You sound like a lost little girl. 

Good luck, you're going to need it, but your kids are going to need it more.

by Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 3:03 PM


So everyone can have an opinion. But please dont judge before knowing the whole story. I have been told by many people that im a good mother and i ty my best to do what is right. That is why i made this post, because i want to do what is best by my kids. That's why i have stayed with my husband for so long, because i want them to be with their dad. But why should i live in pain and unhappiness???

Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

I'm not really capable of being nice here. You made your bed, you drug two kids into it with you, and now you are lying in it. I don't think you should be with ANYONE, because I don't think you are capable of making adult decisions about relationships on your own. You sound like a lost little girl. 

Good luck, you're going to need it, but your kids are going to need it more.


by Silver Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 4:11 PM
1 mom liked this

Oh my gosh you are so young. I don't think you're going to get over the other man, would he be able to move closer so that your kids can be with their Dad half the time, if you divorce? Can this other man support you? You can get a free consult with an attorney and find out where you stand.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)