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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Filled with confusion, despair, don't know what to do.

Posted by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 8:42 AM
  • 21 Replies

I'll try to make this short.  I left my so after many years together and 2 children (we share custody) for quite a few reasons.  He treated me like crap; talking down to me in front of the kids, yelling at me in front of the kids, never wanted to actually commit.  We were engaged but that was as far as he was willing to take things.  After I left him he admitted to all the things I'd been trying to tell him all those years but I felt it was too late to turn back. Fast forward a bit.  I meet and fall in love with what I believe to be a wonderful man.  He proposes almost overnight and we are married quickly.  Not long after the wedding his real personality emerges.  Yeah, yeah, i got involved to quickly.  Let's not state the obvious here people.  He laughingly tells me now that he was very very careful about concealing certain aspects of his addictive, controlling, jealous type personality until AFTER I was wearing the wedding ring.  Now he feels comfortable in my commitment to our vows so he can be his true self.  A recovering alcoholic he now has bi-weekly binges where he gets drunk for 3 days and lays on the couch smoking (I don't allow smoking in my house but when he's drunk he doesn't care) calling off work cuz he's too hung over to go, not doing a single thing to be a part of this family.  Meanwhile, my ex (the father of my children) has moved in with a woman.  He is doing ALL the things with her that he would never do with me.  They take the kids to parks, amusement parks, events, outings, etc.  He is the total family man in a way that he admits now he was too emotionally stunted to be before.  He said my leaving him made him realize what he was missing out of with his daughters and so he has stepped up (with the new woman).  I am miserable in my marriage.  Even when my dh is apologetic for his behavior and makes yet another promise that things will get better I know they wont.  And all I can think is that if I was going to be unhappy why the hell didn't I stay with my ex.  At least then I wouldn't have to be seperated from my dd's half the time.  I'm sinking into depression and don't know what to do to pull myself out.  I'm not exactly financially independent.  I'm only a secretary at a small company.  I don't want to put my children through yet another life changing event and yet I'm also certain that staying with my dh wont make things any better in our life.  I don't know what to do or where to turn. 

by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 8:42 AM
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Replies (1-10):
LHummel
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 9:01 AM
1 mom liked this

First of all hugs. I'm sorry but " recovering alcoholics" dont drink anymore. What he is doing is continuing being an alcoholic. If he is unwilling to seek real help and commit to quiting drinking you need to get out of this relationship. You and your children will reap no benefits from this man unless he changes his ways. 1-800-662-HELP (4357) this is a number for substance abuse referral.

This is a number that may help you with your depression 800-826-3632

Please seek advice from professionals who can help you work through this.

37momofthree
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 9:08 AM

 

I should have said he WAS  recovering alcoholic.  But yes, he is just an alcoholic.  It has happened so many times now that I can't just shake it off and think things will improve.  I don't think he's even really trying anymore. He refuses to join a group of any kind.  He's not abusive at all but he's also not the man I married when he's like that.  The house reeks of smoke and the stench of alcohol that seeps from his pores.  I spent three days scurbbing walls and shampooing carpets after his last binge just to get rid of the smell.  And he's getting angry because I can't just go back to being the same sweet loving wife because I just don't believe in "us" anymore.  It's even affecting our sex life.  I have no desire for him anymore!

Quoting LHummel:

First of all hugs. I'm sorry but " recovering alcoholics" dont drink anymore. What he is doing is continuing being an alcoholic. If he is unwilling to seek real help and commit to quiting drinking you need to get out of this relationship. You and your children will reap no benefits from this man unless he changes his ways. 1-800-662-HELP (4357) this is a number for substance abuse referral.

This is a number that may help you with your depression 800-826-3632

Please seek advice from professionals who can help you work through this.


 

ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Feb. 12, 2013 at 10:39 AM
2 moms liked this

Oh boy. So, what is worse? You tell me. Is it worse to put your children through another life change, or is it worse to have them grow up in a home with a severe alcoholic with a personaity disorder. Which sounds healthier to you.

In regards to your ex-husband, coulda, shoulda, woulda. It doesn't matter how he acts now, other than he treats your children well. That ship has sailed. Pining for that relationship won't do you a lick of good. 

furbabymum
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 11:04 AM
4 moms liked this

 Well leave the DH and find happiness on your own. Really important to leave him before you have a kid with him btw. Anyway, if you can't figure out how to be happy with and by yourself you'll never be happy with any man. So go find yourself before you jump into another relationship.

kagegirl
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 11:05 AM
1 mom liked this

Annul his ass and get yoruself out of there. Trust me, your daughters will thank you.

MiriRose923
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 2:36 PM

 I am so sorry you're going through all of this... it sounds very difficult. :(  It's good that you're reaching out for help and you're trying to make the best choice for your daughters.  How long have you been married to your husband?  Have you considered counseling? 

CharlotteRose
by Charlotte on Feb. 12, 2013 at 2:42 PM

Have you ever thought about attending a Ala Non group? 

xoxRachelxox
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 2:48 PM

I'd rather leave and get my kids out of there, then to stay and let them see what he's doing.

LHummel
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 6:51 PM

I wouldn't be a loving sweet wife after that either. The only person he should be angry with is himself. He is doing this. Addicts are selfish people for the most part. They have to  realize what they are doing to themselves and those they supposedly love. Then they need to admit whats happening and seek help. If he won't you need to leave him. Also he may not hit you or yell at you but if he's disregarding your wishes all together when he's drinking how is that ok for you and your children? What do you tell your children when he is doing this? What do they see? I'm not being judgmental just giving you things to consider. My Aunt was married to a functioning alcoholic for a very long time. She blamed herself and her children blamed themselves as well. its the alcoholics fault and no one elses. As far as I know my uncle wasnt abusive either but it doesn't matter. 


Quoting 37momofthree:


I should have said he WAS  recovering alcoholic.  But yes, he is just an alcoholic.  It has happened so many times now that I can't just shake it off and think things will improve.  I don't think he's even really trying anymore. He refuses to join a group of any kind.  He's not abusive at all but he's also not the man I married when he's like that.  The house reeks of smoke and the stench of alcohol that seeps from his pores.  I spent three days scurbbing walls and shampooing carpets after his last binge just to get rid of the smell.  And he's getting angry because I can't just go back to being the same sweet loving wife because I just don't believe in "us" anymore.  It's even affecting our sex life.  I have no desire for him anymore!

Quoting LHummel:

First of all hugs. I'm sorry but " recovering alcoholics" dont drink anymore. What he is doing is continuing being an alcoholic. If he is unwilling to seek real help and commit to quiting drinking you need to get out of this relationship. You and your children will reap no benefits from this man unless he changes his ways. 1-800-662-HELP (4357) this is a number for substance abuse referral.

This is a number that may help you with your depression 800-826-3632

Please seek advice from professionals who can help you work through this.





Lindalou907
by Silver Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 7:16 PM

Get out, get out, get out. Ask your ex if the kids can stay with him awhile until you get on your feet, what kind of support system do you have? Can you and the kids go home to your parents? This is bad honey, but it's not the end of the world, next time you will choose better, and get yourself to an al-anon meeting, they can help you.

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