I think I should leave, but for some reason I keep holding on...need advice!
In a relationship for over two years. I live with him and his two young daughters. He is an army vet and has some issues from being deployed. Has led to anxiety and ptsd along with a serious drinking problem. I think that he want's to stop but doesn't have the will power and doesn't think that getting counseling will help because "if they haven't been overseas they won't understand and can't help me". So, his drinking has led to him not really caring much about anything...misses work due to his drinking at times, poor hygeine at times, lots of money spent on alcohol even though we are behind on the bills, complete change in personality when he drinks excessively, etc. All he wants to do most of the time is play his gaming system which might I add is a war game and drink. I have to beg him to do anything around the house to help and he never wants to spend time with me anymore and when asked why said "you're not fun anymore". Well, I agree I'm probably not...I work full time and take care of all responsibilities around HIS house. I 'm constantly "bitching" at him for his drinking and lack of care for anything else. I've become very angry, distant, and resentful. I'm not saying I'm perfect pretty sure I've handled things the wrong way when I try to confront him about his issues. I just get so mad because I know he's capable of so much more and he won't try until I've otten to the point I threaten to leave. I do love him and feel for him for what he's been through, but he can't use that as a crutch the rest of his life. Just lost right now, I have a very stressful job and when I come home it's just as stressful. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I feel like if I leave, I'm giving up on him and if it were me that was going through this I would want someone that would fight for me. I realize I can't make him change, and I don't know that he ever will and i don't want to spend years of my life on someone that doesn't care more about himself or me. I already wasted 10 years of my life being married to a man that I found out was having multiple affairs and got a 19 year old pregnant! I want a "normal", stable life and to have a child of my own one day. I just turned 34 and I feel like time is ticking away. I just wish I could snap my fingers and he would be the man I fell in love with again. :(
It sounds like you are in a bad situation and I feel for you. If you read this post as if it was posted by someone else what would you advise them? You aren't married, and it sounds like you feel more obligated to help him now than feeling actual love for the man he has become, and you are in a stressful, miserable daily life with no interest on his part to make it better. Maybe it is time to take care of yourself and build a peaceful life with someone that can give you affection, attention and children before it is too late. Maybe taking a drastic step like moving out for awhile will help motivate him to try and get some counseling. If not then you will know where you stand and where your relationship is probably headed.
Yeah you're enabling him. I know, I was one too. You realize this may very well be a lifetime problem for him. My DH has been getting treatment for 4 years but it's not like he's "normal". Now you have alcoholism and ptsd, not a good combination. Of course a lot of people try to self medicate that way.
You are right. You can't force him to get treatment. You can draw the line though. You need to tell him that you love him but if he doesn't get help you can't continue. Then you need to stick with it. It'll be hard but it'll be the best thing you can do for you both. It's not fair for you to be used like that.
Quoting furbabymum:Yeah you're enabling him. I know, I was one too. You realize this may very well be a lifetime problem for him. My DH has been getting treatment for 4 years but it's not like he's "normal". Now you have alcoholism and ptsd, not a good combination. Of course a lot of people try to self medicate that way.
You are right. You can't force him to get treatment. You can draw the line though. You need to tell him that you love him but if he doesn't get help you can't continue. Then you need to stick with it. It'll be hard but it'll be the best thing you can do for you both. It's not fair for you to be used like that.
Maybe stay somewhere else for a while so he realizes that YOU are the one that does everything. Once he sees the house start to get messy and he realizes how lonely he actually is without you maybe he will snap out of it?
Are you saying you were an alcoholic or an enabler? And what did it take for your DH to get help??
Quoting furbabymum:
Yeah you're enabling him. I know, I was one too. You realize this may very well be a lifetime problem for him. My DH has been getting treatment for 4 years but it's not like he's "normal". Now you have alcoholism and ptsd, not a good combination. Of course a lot of people try to self medicate that way.
You are right. You can't force him to get treatment. You can draw the line though. You need to tell him that you love him but if he doesn't get help you can't continue. Then you need to stick with it. It'll be hard but it'll be the best thing you can do for you both. It's not fair for you to be used like that.
I was an enabler.
My DH is former air force and he has PTSD from mortuary duty. He's also bipolar but wasn't diagnosed. He was drinking quite a bit after he got out and behaving like an arse. He also cheated. I refused to look at what was right in front of me for months and months because I didn't want to have to make hard decisions. Finally I got the strength (what I call my light bulb moment where I realized I deserved better) and confronted him. I told him to do A, B and C or I was gone. He did them all plus more and has continued to do them. My DH checked himself into the VA ER as suicidal the very day I asked him to. It was unbelievably hard for him but he did it. From there the VA provided counseling and treatment for him. We also started seeing a marriage counselor and I started seeing a private counselor because living with instability tends to make a person unstable.
I don't want you to think it'll be easy. For the first year of treatment it wasn't fun. They try out different medications with different side effects and they have to find the right dose. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been hugely helpful to him and that was provided by the VA.
Anyway, I'm saying he doesn't have to be like that but he has to choose to do it. You have to choose not to be used.
Quoting tomkat:
Are you saying you were an alcoholic or an enabler? And what did it take for your DH to get help??
Quoting furbabymum:
Yeah you're enabling him. I know, I was one too. You realize this may very well be a lifetime problem for him. My DH has been getting treatment for 4 years but it's not like he's "normal". Now you have alcoholism and ptsd, not a good combination. Of course a lot of people try to self medicate that way.
You are right. You can't force him to get treatment. You can draw the line though. You need to tell him that you love him but if he doesn't get help you can't continue. Then you need to stick with it. It'll be hard but it'll be the best thing you can do for you both. It's not fair for you to be used like that.
Quoting lowencope:
U should feel so lucky u don't have kids with men like these. Kids make it much more difficult to leave. Although I'm not downplaying your relationship with his daughters and how difficult that must be. Perhaps u should do a trial separation to figure things out.
This mom has definately got it ! You definately have to let it known that if changes arent made, help isnt sought, that you are leaving. BUT you back down once, and it will never work. And a change for a couple weeks or months isnt good enough. It has to be life long changes.
Quoting furbabymum:I was an enabler.
My DH is former air force and he has PTSD from mortuary duty. He's also bipolar but wasn't diagnosed. He was drinking quite a bit after he got out and behaving like an arse. He also cheated. I refused to look at what was right in front of me for months and months because I didn't want to have to make hard decisions. Finally I got the strength (what I call my light bulb moment where I realized I deserved better) and confronted him. I told him to do A, B and C or I was gone. He did them all plus more and has continued to do them. My DH checked himself into the VA ER as suicidal the very day I asked him to. It was unbelievably hard for him but he did it. From there the VA provided counseling and treatment for him. We also started seeing a marriage counselor and I started seeing a private counselor because living with instability tends to make a person unstable.
I don't want you to think it'll be easy. For the first year of treatment it wasn't fun. They try out different medications with different side effects and they have to find the right dose. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been hugely helpful to him and that was provided by the VA.
Anyway, I'm saying he doesn't have to be like that but he has to choose to do it. You have to choose not to be used.
Quoting tomkat:
Are you saying you were an alcoholic or an enabler? And what did it take for your DH to get help??
Quoting furbabymum:
Yeah you're enabling him. I know, I was one too. You realize this may very well be a lifetime problem for him. My DH has been getting treatment for 4 years but it's not like he's "normal". Now you have alcoholism and ptsd, not a good combination. Of course a lot of people try to self medicate that way.
You are right. You can't force him to get treatment. You can draw the line though. You need to tell him that you love him but if he doesn't get help you can't continue. Then you need to stick with it. It'll be hard but it'll be the best thing you can do for you both. It's not fair for you to be used like that.
Quoting Bertieb:It sounds like you are in a bad situation and I feel for you. If you read this post as if it was posted by someone else what would you advise them? You aren't married, and it sounds like you feel more obligated to help him now than feeling actual love for the man he has become, and you are in a stressful, miserable daily life with no interest on his part to make it better. Maybe it is time to take care of yourself and build a peaceful life with someone that can give you affection, attention and children before it is too late. Maybe taking a drastic step like moving out for awhile will help motivate him to try and get some counseling. If not then you will know where you stand and where your relationship is probably headed.
You know , but does your partner?
- tomkat
on Feb. 13, 2013 at 10:33 AM