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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Ultimatum

Posted by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 9:15 AM
  • 21 Replies

 My family thinks I am crazy for giving my husband this ultimatum. I gave him 6 months to change or I will be leaving with our son.  He is constantly on his phone, he agreed to take on dishes and he doesn’t do them. They pile up until I do them. And now he planned a trip that sounded good in the beginning but we need groceries since I am a SAHM we only have his paycheck. He thinks $100 will get us through for 2 weeks but in my gut I know it wont. Our 7 month is eating a can and a half of formula a week. I just hate how we have no money and he spends it on a trip that we really cant afford. We have no money to really spend down there for gas or food.  *sigh* it was sweet but I don’t see how we will get ahead and not behind if we do this.

by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 9:15 AM
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Replies (1-10):
MamaScho88
by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 9:23 AM
3 moms liked this

 I understand your frustrations, but I think leaving your husband over these things is a bit of an extreme action to take. Marriage shouldn't have ultimatums IMO, but compromises and communication instead.

furbabymum
by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 10:58 AM

 I disagree. I gave my DH an ultimatum and it was the right thing to do. Get help or I'm gone. He got help. If he hadn't I'd be gone. Some things are deal breakers. She's giving him a chance to fix it at least.

Quoting MamaScho88:

 I understand your frustrations, but I think leaving your husband over these things is a bit of an extreme action to take. Marriage shouldn't have ultimatums IMO, but compromises and communication instead.

 

furbabymum
by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 11:03 AM
1 mom liked this

 I imagine there is a lot more to this than what you have stated. I'm assuming you've been trying to talk to him and get him to take more responsibility but he has ignored you. Finances are a huge breaking point for a lot of people. Honestly, imo you should look for a job. If you leave him you'll need it anyway. It'll help take some of the stress out of your financial lives at least.

Simply say no trip. It's not in the budget. If he wants it he can start putting aside a little each month to pay for it. We are taking a cruise for our 10 year anniversary and we are already saving for it over a year ahead. That's how responsible people vacation.

I think if you can you should set up counseling sessions for you both. Simply tell him when to be there. It's important that you both work on your communication. You may think you are communicating your needs effectively but you probably aren't. You are both locked into a negative communication pattern and this is the result. I know my DH and I were.

CameronsMommy23
by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 11:13 AM
Id have a serious conversation with him. Tell him the trip needs to be rescheduled for a time when you are more financially stable. Maybe you can get him motivated by telling him that if he can't make Vetter choices than you will have to go to work too. If that doesn't snap him out of it maybe you should give him an ultimatum. Hugs.
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CharlotteRose
by Charlotte on Feb. 15, 2013 at 11:15 AM

Sometimes a person needs to "loose" something in order to realize what they had to begin with kwim?  He doesn't sound very grown up and regarding what your family thinks well,  they don't have to live w/him and I wonder how long they would put up w/his childish behavior?  6 months to shape up is long enough to do so however I wouldn't be the one leaving he would be the one.....HUGS!

CharlotteRose
by Charlotte on Feb. 15, 2013 at 11:20 AM
1 mom liked this

 

To Furbabymum: I also gave my SO ultimatum and he shaped up - we are doing awesome! 

To MamaScho88:  Maybe to you those things are not valid reasons to leave however to her they are and I just hope they can work it out because I really do hate to see any couple break up for any reason stupid as they may seem to others......

Quoting furbabymum:

 I disagree. I gave my DH an ultimatum and it was the right thing to do. Get help or I'm gone. He got help. If he hadn't I'd be gone. Some things are deal breakers. She's giving him a chance to fix it at least.

Quoting MamaScho88:

 I understand your frustrations, but I think leaving your husband over these things is a bit of an extreme action to take. Marriage shouldn't have ultimatums IMO, but compromises and communication instead.

 


 

JRSMOM0621
by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 2:29 PM

 He refuses to go to counsling. I have tried talking to him, I have tried taking away his phone. He is a grown man with a child. I feel that I shouldnt have to take things away from him like I would a kid

Quoting furbabymum:

 I imagine there is a lot more to this than what you have stated. I'm assuming you've been trying to talk to him and get him to take more responsibility but he has ignored you. Finances are a huge breaking point for a lot of people. Honestly, imo you should look for a job. If you leave him you'll need it anyway. It'll help take some of the stress out of your financial lives at least.

Simply say no trip. It's not in the budget. If he wants it he can start putting aside a little each month to pay for it. We are taking a cruise for our 10 year anniversary and we are already saving for it over a year ahead. That's how responsible people vacation.

I think if you can you should set up counseling sessions for you both. Simply tell him when to be there. It's important that you both work on your communication. You may think you are communicating your needs effectively but you probably aren't. You are both locked into a negative communication pattern and this is the result. I know my DH and I were.

 

JRSMOM0621
by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 2:31 PM

 For some men that might work. I have been with my guy for 4 years. I have talked, I have gone to cousnling to find other ways. I am at my end point where he either spends time with us without phones or he can visit his son when he feels that he has time

Quoting MamaScho88:

 I understand your frustrations, but I think leaving your husband over these things is a bit of an extreme action to take. Marriage shouldn't have ultimatums IMO, but compromises and communication instead.

 

JRSMOM0621
by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 2:33 PM

 I've tried several different times to have a civil conversation with the man. However when he says he'll be off his phone I'll catch him back on it in another room. I know he isnt cheating on me because thats not who he is. However he does spend more time talking to his friends then he does me. So I feel that if he needs to be that far up his friends butts then he should be a single man

Quoting CameronsMommy23:

Id have a serious conversation with him. Tell him the trip needs to be rescheduled for a time when you are more financially stable. Maybe you can get him motivated by telling him that if he can't make Vetter choices than you will have to go to work too. If that doesn't snap him out of it maybe you should give him an ultimatum. Hugs.

 

AnGLInterrupted
by Kendall on Feb. 15, 2013 at 2:53 PM

Ultimatums rarely ever work.  I can certainly understand how you're feeling though and I can see where you're coming from.  I wish you luck and hopefully he opens his eyes before it's too late.

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