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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

my husband finally started to talk

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It just so happens, today my husband finally started to talk about with me on the phone. Talk about how he feels about our situations, talk about what happened. Honestly, I don't even want to think about it. He wants to blame me for calling the police, he rarely looks at it from my perspective and takes ownership of why I did. The last of 2 times that I did, he merely pushed me away from the stove that I repeatedly turned off. It was because he had been out all night and came home with a hickey while I was 5 months pregnant. I wanted answers and I didn't want him to make a pizza. Honestly, the main reason why I know at this time it won't work is because he still thinks this is all my fault or wants to blame me for his own consequences.
I do love my husband, why else would I have married him.
He was raised abusively and is alcoholic and has a habit of belittling and disrespecting me.
We own a home together in an nearby town and he wants to file bankruptcy and foreclose, I know, if we divorce.

by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:38 AM
Replies (31-40):
SuperMom2433
by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:01 PM
1 mom liked this
I like you (ReadWriteLuv) because you're to the point. Even in my posts. And the posts I've been reading today male me realize my situation is not bad at all. My hubby is not a perfect person by any means and he def has his issues as do I but at least he tales care of us and tries to work on his problems.


Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

I'm not talking down to anyone, that was a general statement. And yes, it is black and white. You either choose to stay with an abusive loser, or you take control of your own life and walk away. Mind over emotions, it would do people a lot of good. Two choices, black and white, stay or go. People make things complicated when it's really a very simple choice. And I can, and do, say whatever the feck I want. 

Quoting PerfectVirgo:

It's not always black and white. And it's never helpful to talk down to women going through it.



Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

Man some of you women marry dirtbags. My husband isn't a saint, trust me on that, but I've never had to send him to jail. It baffles me why a lot of women don't want better for themselves? Is this a self-esteem thing? And I can't understand why people want to make excuses for their spouse's shitty behavior either. I was raised by an asshole closet alcoholic father and a co-dependant freak of a mother and I didn't let them turn me into a shit bag. 



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SuperMom2433
by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:06 PM
You're telling me that nothing makes you cry? Not even happy tears?


Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

I don't cry. It's a useless gesture and never helps anything. 

I'm not pushing anyone around, I'm asking why she doesn't want better for herself. And you don't know me, you don't know if I've ever been abused or mistreated, or if I live or have lived with someone with addiction issues. None of you do, maybe I have been there and done that, and that is why I say what I do. I want women to want better for themselves and their children. And I disagree with not needing to say that "you've married the wrong guy", because so many women that do say that in their OP, but in their responses say, "but he wasn't always like this", and "he can be so nice", and the ultimate killer, "I know we'd be great together if he just changed". 

Quoting dinc:

There is tough love and there is insensitive rudeness.  I'm glad that you chose a good husband and all of that.  When a person is feeling low and pushed around, what she does not need is someone besides her family to do it too.  You don't know her mindset and since you have not been where she is, you don't know how she feels.  


She probably does need to get out and get help.  She does not need you telling her that she married the wrong guy.  She knows that already.  I hope you never need a shoulder to cry on because if the way you wrote this is the way you treat people, I doubt you will find one.   




Quoting ReadWriteLuv:


Man some of you women marry dirtbags. My husband isn't a saint, trust me on that, but I've never had to send him to jail. It baffles me why a lot of women don't want better for themselves? Is this a self-esteem thing? And I can't understand why people want to make excuses for their spouse's shitty behavior either. I was raised by an asshole closet alcoholic father and a co-dependant freak of a mother and I didn't let them turn me into a shit bag. 







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ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:09 PM
No. I think my year ducts are broken.

No, I actually take that back. Sometimes I cry when I get angry, like seriously angry and there isn't anything I can do about it. I only leak from the eyes maybe once or twice a year. The last time I remember crying is when we were watching Up on the Disney Channel last year. That movie did reduce me to blubbery tears.


Quoting SuperMom2433:

You're telling me that nothing makes you cry? Not even happy tears?




Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

I don't cry. It's a useless gesture and never helps anything. 

I'm not pushing anyone around, I'm asking why she doesn't want better for herself. And you don't know me, you don't know if I've ever been abused or mistreated, or if I live or have lived with someone with addiction issues. None of you do, maybe I have been there and done that, and that is why I say what I do. I want women to want better for themselves and their children. And I disagree with not needing to say that "you've married the wrong guy", because so many women that do say that in their OP, but in their responses say, "but he wasn't always like this", and "he can be so nice", and the ultimate killer, "I know we'd be great together if he just changed". 

Quoting dinc:

There is tough love and there is insensitive rudeness.  I'm glad that you chose a good husband and all of that.  When a person is feeling low and pushed around, what she does not need is someone besides her family to do it too.  You don't know her mindset and since you have not been where she is, you don't know how she feels.  



She probably does need to get out and get help.  She does not need you telling her that she married the wrong guy.  She knows that already.  I hope you never need a shoulder to cry on because if the way you wrote this is the way you treat people, I doubt you will find one.   






Quoting ReadWriteLuv:



Man some of you women marry dirtbags. My husband isn't a saint, trust me on that, but I've never had to send him to jail. It baffles me why a lot of women don't want better for themselves? Is this a self-esteem thing? And I can't understand why people want to make excuses for their spouse's shitty behavior either. I was raised by an asshole closet alcoholic father and a co-dependant freak of a mother and I didn't let them turn me into a shit bag. 









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SuperMom2433
by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:14 PM
Lol.

Im a crier when I get really angry.

I dont think I've ever seen that movie.


Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

No. I think my year ducts are broken.



No, I actually take that back. Sometimes I cry when I get angry, like seriously angry and there isn't anything I can do about it. I only leak from the eyes maybe once or twice a year. The last time I remember crying is when we were watching Up on the Disney Channel last year. That movie did reduce me to blubbery tears.




Quoting SuperMom2433:

You're telling me that nothing makes you cry? Not even happy tears?






Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

I don't cry. It's a useless gesture and never helps anything. 

I'm not pushing anyone around, I'm asking why she doesn't want better for herself. And you don't know me, you don't know if I've ever been abused or mistreated, or if I live or have lived with someone with addiction issues. None of you do, maybe I have been there and done that, and that is why I say what I do. I want women to want better for themselves and their children. And I disagree with not needing to say that "you've married the wrong guy", because so many women that do say that in their OP, but in their responses say, "but he wasn't always like this", and "he can be so nice", and the ultimate killer, "I know we'd be great together if he just changed". 

Quoting dinc:

There is tough love and there is insensitive rudeness.  I'm glad that you chose a good husband and all of that.  When a person is feeling low and pushed around, what she does not need is someone besides her family to do it too.  You don't know her mindset and since you have not been where she is, you don't know how she feels.  




She probably does need to get out and get help.  She does not need you telling her that she married the wrong guy.  She knows that already.  I hope you never need a shoulder to cry on because if the way you wrote this is the way you treat people, I doubt you will find one.   








Quoting ReadWriteLuv:




Man some of you women marry dirtbags. My husband isn't a saint, trust me on that, but I've never had to send him to jail. It baffles me why a lot of women don't want better for themselves? Is this a self-esteem thing? And I can't understand why people want to make excuses for their spouse's shitty behavior either. I was raised by an asshole closet alcoholic father and a co-dependant freak of a mother and I didn't let them turn me into a shit bag. 












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ljeanbeans
by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:35 PM

LOL! That's funny. The most I have cried in the past so many years was from reading a book called "A Map of the World." I felt as though I was the main character. The author was really good, the main character never even gets called by name. I cry silent tears sometimes. About the way my Mom treats me. About the way my husband hasn't given me what I need. About the opportunity loss of how well I could've done if I wasn't dealing with being so pissed off about injustice.

ljeanbeans
by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:41 PM

No, I guess I was able to remember how events from a year and more ago affect me by making this thread. I believe in the supernatural, and I've received help from God because I've asked. But, my husband hasn't. I deserve so much better. I have effectively proven to myself that I am someone that deserves respect.

MomToovey
by Marianne on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:35 PM
1 mom liked this

 Well, I'm glad he's willing to talk to you about it. Something clearly needs to be done. If he can (willingly) see counseling for the alcohol and abuse, and then both of you seek counseling for the relationship, you might be able to make it work. But honestly, if he's going to abuse you, I think you and the kids would be a lot safer if you just got out now. Good luck. ((HUGS))

ljeanbeans
by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:45 PM

My main goal has been joint petition for divorce to avoid forced conflict and court time. I don't have control over what he does, AA only works if you're willing.

Thank you for the good words and encouragement.

going to court and getting a divorce will not fix the custody/placement issue. In fact, it can set that in stone. I personally know people that pass their kids off at jail because there is a recording with a time stamp already running to use in family court if need be. Unless child abuse is proven, there is no disqualification on a parent's rights to see their children.

It is not illegal to drink, it is not illegal to verbally and emotionally abuse children...or even anyone.

I've solely had my child since he's been born. If daddy sees him, I'm there. Being non-agressive and cooperative to my husband has been really constructive, even though it may be unjust that I would be. He gets retaliatory about unilateral decisions made that affect him, because he's been so screwed over by his father in the past. At this point, I see him being a healthier person that isn't getting wasted and admitting that he yells and what not. No matter what I do, he will always be Trent's father and I want him to be as good an example as he can be. I have no control over this, though. I can only encourage positive and put my hand up to the negative.

bjane01
by Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 4:21 PM
I personally find it arrogant to talk to a person going through this situation that way. A person who has been abused doesn't need someone talking down to them. It is not helpful. There are many psychological reasons a woman stays in an abusive relationship. These men are manipulative and are good at getting their way. Yes, there is something missing in a woman who puts up with this. She can't get out until she addresses what that is. But to belittle her is only undermining her self esteem further. You are no better than the man who is hurting her. A better approach would be to build her self esteem so she can have the confidence to walk away.


Quoting TommyAbby:


Amen.. I am going through this with my girlfriend. She moved the guy who beat her several times over. She claims LOVE and he will get better and more BS. I told her flat out she is stupid and he has her right where he wants her. She no longer has friends. No one can stand being around him becuase of what he did to her. Some women NEVER get it. 


Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

Man some of you women marry dirtbags. My husband isn't a saint, trust me on that, but I've never had to send him to jail. It baffles me why a lot of women don't want better for themselves? Is this a self-esteem thing? And I can't understand why people want to make excuses for their spouse's shitty behavior either. I was raised by an asshole closet alcoholic father and a co-dependant freak of a mother and I didn't let them turn me into a shit bag. 





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disnchntdwife
by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 4:31 PM
2 moms liked this
I'm happy to know that I didn't hurt your feelings. As that was not my intention. You are very rough around the edges and sometimes downright cruel to women here with your responses. I can't help but remember what my late Mother always said...."If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all". We come here to share and get advice or have a laugh, not to be judged and talked down to. After reading what you yourself posted about your own childhood..I believe I almost understand your reasons. The " I was raised by an asshole closet alcoholic father and a co-dependant freak of a Mother" is so telling. If you were a man, you would most likely be an abuser of women, since you have so little tolerance for your own Mothers plight and for "Stupid women". You seem super proud that you didn't turn out to be a "shitbag" . I might not agree. You seem to only answer posts where you can degrade or criticize. I sincerely hope if you place a post needing help or advice, that people are kinder to you and more considerate of your feelings than you are of others. Here's my " tough love" towards you. Get the hell off your high horse. You aren't the well adjusted person you like to preach that you are. Happy, well rounded people don't feel the need to dog people out the way I have seen you do. I'm going to pray that you find happiness and peace in your life, so you won't be so hateful to others. I'm praying for God to bless you and keep you well and happy.

Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

I just call it like I see it. If you don't like it or me, block me and you won't see my replies. Doesnt' hurt my feelings at all. Honestly is always the best policy, the truth may hurt but people have to face it sometime or things will never change. 

Quoting disnchntdwife:

I couldn't agree with you more Virgo. She. ( readwrite ) has an agressive nature and often belittles the women here seeking help. Thank you for your response.



Quoting PerfectVirgo:

It's not always black and white. And it's never helpful to talk down to women going through it.





Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

Man some of you women marry dirtbags. My husband isn't a saint, trust me on that, but I've never had to send him to jail. It baffles me why a lot of women don't want better for themselves? Is this a self-esteem thing? And I can't understand why people want to make excuses for their spouse's shitty behavior either. I was raised by an asshole closet alcoholic father and a co-dependant freak of a mother and I didn't let them turn me into a shit bag. 


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