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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

my husband finally started to talk

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It just so happens, today my husband finally started to talk about with me on the phone. Talk about how he feels about our situations, talk about what happened. Honestly, I don't even want to think about it. He wants to blame me for calling the police, he rarely looks at it from my perspective and takes ownership of why I did. The last of 2 times that I did, he merely pushed me away from the stove that I repeatedly turned off. It was because he had been out all night and came home with a hickey while I was 5 months pregnant. I wanted answers and I didn't want him to make a pizza. Honestly, the main reason why I know at this time it won't work is because he still thinks this is all my fault or wants to blame me for his own consequences.
I do love my husband, why else would I have married him.
He was raised abusively and is alcoholic and has a habit of belittling and disrespecting me.
We own a home together in an nearby town and he wants to file bankruptcy and foreclose, I know, if we divorce.

by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:38 AM
Replies (51-60):
4kings1queen
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 12:11 AM
1 mom liked this
Good luck. You have to be TIRED before you can leave. Once you're tired,things will feel easy. Hugs.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
ljeanbeans
by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 1:32 AM

I'm not doing a good job here as a newbie. I've been physically separated for nearly 2 years.

Lindalou907
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 5:05 AM

Agreed!

Quoting PerfectVirgo:

It's not always black and white. And it's never helpful to talk down to women going through it.

Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

Man some of you women marry dirtbags. My husband isn't a saint, trust me on that, but I've never had to send him to jail. It baffles me why a lot of women don't want better for themselves? Is this a self-esteem thing? And I can't understand why people want to make excuses for their spouse's shitty behavior either. I was raised by an asshole closet alcoholic father and a co-dependant freak of a mother and I didn't let them turn me into a shit bag. 



Lindalou907
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 5:13 AM

Well, that explains why you're so mean.



Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

Man some of you women marry dirtbags. My husband isn't a saint, trust me on that, but I've never had to send him to jail. It baffles me why a lot of women don't want better for themselves? Is this a self-esteem thing? And I can't understand why people want to make excuses for their spouse's shitty behavior either. I was raised by an asshole closet alcoholic father and a co-dependant freak of a mother and I didn't let them turn me into a shit bag. 



bjane01
by Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 6:56 AM
I am really sorry you are going through this with your friend. I am sure it is hard. I would likely disengage after awhile too. It's emotionally painful to watch someone you care about be abused.

I guess I am just saying from experience is it can be really hard too get out of these situations. When your self esteem is nonexistant and you are being manipulated by an abusive person it is hard to function at times let alone have the emotional strength to walk away. It can be like a roller coaster ride that is making you sick. You know you need to get off but it is beyond terrifying to jump. Then when you do manage pull together enough self worth to jump, your head is spinning and the roller coaster becomes " prince charming" something you always wanted. You feel damaged and afraid (like no one else can or would love you) and here is a remorseful sweet man that you fell in love with. It is far too easy to get on that fun exciting ride again. Life outside it seems boring anyway. Life and relationship are about forgiveness right? And most women who are being abused are used to it from childhood anyway. It feels more normal. Nonabusive relationships feel weird to these women. It is something one can't fully appreciate unless you have really been there.

It is easy to say just leave. But it is the wrong thing to say unless she flat out asks you. It invokes fear in the abused woman. It is just more productive to love her and show her her own value as a person. To build up what others have stolen from her. It is not your place to save her. Only she can save herself. But I can tell you that it is not helpful to tell her she is stupid for staying. She knows that already and it only undermines the real dilemna she is suffering. She knows she is in danger. But it is far more complicated than just that.



Quoting TommyAbby:


Since you seem to know so much about that situation..Since it's been going on for 3 YEARS and I have tried to build her up and help her out and do what I can to be a positive influence. 

HOWEVER.. Even I have a breaking point as to when I can only take soo much of listening to her OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER again. I am done with it. I can't do it any more. 

So please tell me again how bad a person I am for giving her 3 yrs with this relationship, 6 of her previous marriage that it took her that long to figure out HE was another monster.. and then all the relationships that she had before him that were abusive in one form or another. So really, it's been more like 15yrs of being a supportive friend. Don't butt in when you know NOTHING of what the full story is. 



Quoting bjane01:

I personally find it arrogant to talk to a person going through this situation that way. A person who has been abused doesn't need someone talking down to them. It is not helpful. There are many psychological reasons a woman stays in an abusive relationship. These men are manipulative and are good at getting their way. Yes, there is something missing in a woman who puts up with this. She can't get out until she addresses what that is. But to belittle her is only undermining her self esteem further. You are no better than the man who is hurting her. A better approach would be to build her self esteem so she can have the confidence to walk away.





Quoting TommyAbby:


Amen.. I am going through this with my girlfriend. She moved the guy who beat her several times over. She claims LOVE and he will get better and more BS. I told her flat out she is stupid and he has her right where he wants her. She no longer has friends. No one can stand being around him becuase of what he did to her. Some women NEVER get it. 



Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

Man some of you women marry dirtbags. My husband isn't a saint, trust me on that, but I've never had to send him to jail. It baffles me why a lot of women don't want better for themselves? Is this a self-esteem thing? And I can't understand why people want to make excuses for their spouse's shitty behavior either. I was raised by an asshole closet alcoholic father and a co-dependant freak of a mother and I didn't let them turn me into a shit bag. 











Posted on CafeMom Mobile
bjane01
by Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 7:04 AM
Also, things we take for granted like self worth, self esteem, hope, even just a simple joy about life is absent when in an abusive relationship. The abused woman lacks coping skills to protect herself. And it is hard to build the skills when being emotionally damaged all the time.

The best we can do is show value to these women and hope they find value in themselves.


Quoting bjane01:

I am really sorry you are going through this with your friend. I am sure it is hard. I would likely disengage after awhile too. It's emotionally painful to watch someone you care about be abused.



I guess I am just saying from experience is it can be really hard too get out of these situations. When your self esteem is nonexistant and you are being manipulated by an abusive person it is hard to function at times let alone have the emotional strength to walk away. It can be like a roller coaster ride that is making you sick. You know you need to get off but it is beyond terrifying to jump. Then when you do manage pull together enough self worth to jump, your head is spinning and the roller coaster becomes " prince charming" something you always wanted. You feel damaged and afraid (like no one else can or would love you) and here is a remorseful sweet man that you fell in love with. It is far too easy to get on that fun exciting ride again. Life outside it seems boring anyway. Life and relationship are about forgiveness right? And most women who are being abused are used to it from childhood anyway. It feels more normal. Nonabusive relationships feel weird to these women. It is something one can't fully appreciate unless you have really been there.



It is easy to say just leave. But it is the wrong thing to say unless she flat out asks you. It invokes fear in the abused woman. It is just more productive to love her and show her her own value as a person. To build up what others have stolen from her. It is not your place to save her. Only she can save herself. But I can tell you that it is not helpful to tell her she is stupid for staying. She knows that already and it only undermines the real dilemna she is suffering. She knows she is in danger. But it is far more complicated than just that.






Quoting TommyAbby:


Since you seem to know so much about that situation..Since it's been going on for 3 YEARS and I have tried to build her up and help her out and do what I can to be a positive influence. 

HOWEVER.. Even I have a breaking point as to when I can only take soo much of listening to her OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER again. I am done with it. I can't do it any more. 

So please tell me again how bad a person I am for giving her 3 yrs with this relationship, 6 of her previous marriage that it took her that long to figure out HE was another monster.. and then all the relationships that she had before him that were abusive in one form or another. So really, it's been more like 15yrs of being a supportive friend. Don't butt in when you know NOTHING of what the full story is. 




Quoting bjane01:

I personally find it arrogant to talk to a person going through this situation that way. A person who has been abused doesn't need someone talking down to them. It is not helpful. There are many psychological reasons a woman stays in an abusive relationship. These men are manipulative and are good at getting their way. Yes, there is something missing in a woman who puts up with this. She can't get out until she addresses what that is. But to belittle her is only undermining her self esteem further. You are no better than the man who is hurting her. A better approach would be to build her self esteem so she can have the confidence to walk away.








Quoting TommyAbby:


Amen.. I am going through this with my girlfriend. She moved the guy who beat her several times over. She claims LOVE and he will get better and more BS. I told her flat out she is stupid and he has her right where he wants her. She no longer has friends. No one can stand being around him becuase of what he did to her. Some women NEVER get it. 




Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

Man some of you women marry dirtbags. My husband isn't a saint, trust me on that, but I've never had to send him to jail. It baffles me why a lot of women don't want better for themselves? Is this a self-esteem thing? And I can't understand why people want to make excuses for their spouse's shitty behavior either. I was raised by an asshole closet alcoholic father and a co-dependant freak of a mother and I didn't let them turn me into a shit bag. 















Posted on CafeMom Mobile
ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Feb. 18, 2013 at 12:03 PM

Not mean, just honest and to the point. 

Quoting Lindalou907:

Well, that explains why you're so mean.



Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

Man some of you women marry dirtbags. My husband isn't a saint, trust me on that, but I've never had to send him to jail. It baffles me why a lot of women don't want better for themselves? Is this a self-esteem thing? And I can't understand why people want to make excuses for their spouse's shitty behavior either. I was raised by an asshole closet alcoholic father and a co-dependant freak of a mother and I didn't let them turn me into a shit bag. 




furbabymum
by Gold Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 12:21 PM
1 mom liked this

I guess everyone has their own standards but if I EVER felt the need to call the police there would be no marriage. The police are there to protect you when you feel like you are in danger, not to mediate arguments.

Serenity7
by Platinum Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 3:12 PM

 ((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))

ljeanbeans
by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 11:42 PM



Quoting furbabymum:

I guess everyone has their own standards but if I EVER felt the need to call the police there would be no marriage. The police are there to protect you when you feel like you are in danger, not to mediate arguments.

I probably called to mediate an argument, but seriously! he pushed me outa the way because he wanted to ignore me. Tell me what's going on or get outa here? That was too hard for him to understand. I mean, just...idk. I hadn't slept all night because I was worried about him not coming home and was in no shape to drive anywhere. And pregnant.


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