I dont feel like going into detail. And I am sure I will get conflicting answers that wont help me at all. But here it goes.
DF is an alcoholic. I know he will be an alcoholic for the rest of his life. There is no cure. He has never been abusive in anyway. He has supported everything I have done, and forgiven me without question for things I have done wrong. Before I agreed to make our relationship super serious, he had to choose me over alcohol. Never to drink again. 7 months he did great. he drank last month. I hid it from everyone. he drank again last night. I broke up with him.
I believe he wants to never drink again. I believe he wants this family to stay together. I believe he wants a better family for his child than he had. I see itin his eyes. I hear it in his voice. I feel it in his breath. Its not a lie.
I know an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic. I know alcoholics have weak moments where they mess up. I know they can go 10 years without drinking and then all of a sudden have a weak moment.
I dont want it to be ok for him to mess up. I dont want him believing it is ok to because i will just forgive him. He promised to get help. That he seriously has a problem and he doesnt know what to do. Neither time did he get drunk. He drank just enough to feel it and quit. I have no idea how much that was, but I do know before he quit it only took 3 beers to feel it, so I am guessing it was 1 or 2. I didnt ask. Knowing wont help me.He has promised to talk to his family (where he has drank at both times) to not allow him to drink. That he cant do it alone, and he doesnt want to lose his new family. He has told me that if he messes up again a good punishment for him was to not allow him to do anything for an entire day. No computer, movies, friends, phones, cards, nothing. I added "And write a hundred times 'I want my family more than alcohol'" half jokingly and he said "yeah, that too". Seriously, I feel like this is treating him like a 10 year old who threw all of his toys.
If an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic, then when does forgiveness for mess ups become too much? When does it become unfair to leave for a mess up? I have no idea if he has a real chance or not to be with me again. I dont want to be one of those girls that forgives more than she should. But I also dont want to give up on something that can be perfect. Before last night, he did all the quiting on his own, no support from anyone but me, not even one class of AA. Now he says he will go to AA. So if he does, and he goes regularly, and he talks with his family, does that mean he deserves another chance? Since he will truely be seeking help? And if he is truely seeking help, and continues to go to AA regularly and messes up, do I forgive?
If he were beating me or verbally abusing me, or cheating on me, or anything else, I would leave in a heart beat. But alcoholism..... its like a disease with no cure. It is so different. It overcomes all will power. So if he is seeking help, and is not putting anyone in danger, then how is it fair to leave him?