Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

i dont even know what i want the answer to be.....

Posted by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 3:55 AM
  • 59 Replies

I dont feel like going into detail. And I am sure I will get conflicting answers that wont help me at all. But here it goes.

DF is an alcoholic. I know he will be an alcoholic for the rest of his life. There is no cure. He has never been abusive in anyway. He has supported everything I have done, and forgiven me without question for things I have done wrong. Before I agreed to make our relationship super serious, he had to choose me over alcohol. Never to drink again. 7 months he did great. he drank last month. I hid it from everyone. he drank again last night. I broke up with him. 

I believe he wants to never drink again. I believe he wants this family to stay together. I believe he wants a better family for his child than he had. I see itin his eyes. I hear it in his voice. I feel it in his breath. Its not a lie. 

I know an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic. I know alcoholics have weak moments where they mess up. I know they can go 10 years without drinking and then all of a sudden have a weak moment. 

I dont want it to be ok for him to mess up. I dont want him believing it is ok to because i will just forgive him. He promised to get help. That he seriously has a problem and he doesnt know what to do. Neither time did he get drunk. He drank just enough to feel it and quit. I have no idea how much that was, but I do know before he quit it only took 3 beers to feel it, so I am guessing it was 1 or 2. I didnt ask. Knowing wont help me.He has promised to talk to his family (where he has drank at both times) to not allow him to drink. That he cant do it alone, and he doesnt want to lose his new family. He has told me that if he messes up again a good punishment for him was to not allow him to do anything for an entire day. No computer, movies, friends, phones, cards, nothing. I added "And write a hundred times 'I want my family more than alcohol'" half jokingly and he said "yeah, that too". Seriously, I feel like this is treating him like a 10 year old who threw all of his toys. 

If an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic, then when does forgiveness for mess ups become too much? When does it become unfair to leave for a mess up? I have no idea if he has a real chance or not to be with me again. I dont want to be one of those girls that forgives more than she should. But I also dont want to give up on something that can be perfect. Before last night, he did all the quiting on his own, no support from anyone but me, not even one class of AA. Now he says he will go to AA. So if he does, and he goes regularly, and he talks with his family, does that mean he deserves another chance? Since he will truely be seeking help? And if he is truely seeking help, and continues to go to AA regularly and messes up, do I forgive?

If he were beating me or verbally abusing me, or cheating on me, or anything else, I would leave in a heart beat. But alcoholism..... its like a disease with no cure. It is so different. It overcomes all will power. So if he is seeking help, and is not putting anyone in danger, then how is it fair to leave him?

by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 3:55 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
CutieCrab
by Bronze Member on Feb. 20, 2013 at 4:02 AM

 My step father is an alcoholic, but he doesn't drink...  I don't know really what to say. Help him find help. Be there for him.

MaddiesMama09
by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 4:03 AM
3 moms liked this
In so sorry you are going through this. It must be an extremely difficult decision. If I were in your shoes, and since he is not physically or verbally abusive, I would give him one more chance. However, seeking professional help (AA meetings) would be absolutely required. It honestly sounds like you have a good man who just needs a little help and support from his loved ones. Did he say what made him feel like he needed to drink? Bad day? Stress? Or just desire?

I think you sound like you've got a level head on your shoulders and u can understand why you are struggling with what to do. Hang in there mama! Hoping you find peace with whatever decision you make.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
jesuschild06
by Bronze Member on Feb. 20, 2013 at 4:09 AM

Work. Both times was from work. He absolutely hates his job. Oh, that is another promise he made. To actively look for another job. Im not expecting him to this week, because he works 5 days straight. But come sunday, his day off, i do expect him to udate his resume, apply to places online, and turn in his resume at the factory behind where we live.

Thank you for understanding. He is such a good guy. It is definately a night.... week..... month..... of praying for what the right thing to do is.


Quoting MaddiesMama09:

In so sorry you are going through this. It must be an extremely difficult decision. If I were in your shoes, and since he is not physically or verbally abusive, I would give him one more chance. However, seeking professional help (AA meetings) would be absolutely required. It honestly sounds like you have a good man who just needs a little help and support from his loved ones. Did he say what made him feel like he needed to drink? Bad day? Stress? Or just desire?

I think you sound like you've got a level head on your shoulders and u can understand why you are struggling with what to do. Hang in there mama! Hoping you find peace with whatever decision you make.



jesuschild06
by Bronze Member on Feb. 20, 2013 at 4:11 AM

yeah, he asked me to go to AA with him. I guess they do have open meetings, where spouses can join, but most of them are closed. I am going to make calls tomorrow to find out where and when the meetings would be. I have also looked into al-anon, that are for alcoholics and friends/family of alcoholics, but i have really only heard of family/friends of alcoholics going. but their site says for alcoholics as well. So not sure. 


Quoting CutieCrab:

 My step father is an alcoholic, but he doesn't drink...  I don't know really what to say. Help him find help. Be there for him.



barrelracer1699
by Member on Feb. 20, 2013 at 4:17 AM
1 mom liked this

 I agree with this! My husband and I both come from very alcoholic families. My side never abusive, my husbands side was. We don't drink often, and watch our alcohol closely when we do drink.


Quoting MaddiesMama09:

In so sorry you are going through this. It must be an extremely difficult decision. If I were in your shoes, and since he is not physically or verbally abusive, I would give him one more chance. However, seeking professional help (AA meetings) would be absolutely required. It honestly sounds like you have a good man who just needs a little help and support from his loved ones. Did he say what made him feel like he needed to drink? Bad day? Stress? Or just desire?

I think you sound like you've got a level head on your shoulders and u can understand why you are struggling with what to do. Hang in there mama! Hoping you find peace with whatever decision you make.


 

MiddleAgeMess
by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 5:09 AM
1 mom liked this
Forgiving and loving him are easy, its how many times until it starts to build resentment in you?
I dont think you should punish him, like a child. That will only bring him more shame and more reason to drink.
I think youre in a position to have to do a very delicate dance between being supportive of your man without letting him get so comfortable he no longer worries about losing you.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
BrownEyedGirl86
by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 5:15 AM
Have you thought of going to meetings alone and finding someone there that you can talk to about all of this?
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
jesuschild06
by Bronze Member on Feb. 20, 2013 at 5:24 AM

i dont know where that balance is. But the doing nothing for an entire day was completely his idea. I asked him what should be done if he messes up again.Thats what he came up with. 


Quoting MiddleAgeMess:

Forgiving and loving him are easy, its how many times until it starts to build resentment in you?
I dont think you should punish him, like a child. That will only bring him more shame and more reason to drink.
I think youre in a position to have to do a very delicate dance between being supportive of your man without letting him get so comfortable he no longer worries about losing you.



jesuschild06
by Bronze Member on Feb. 20, 2013 at 5:27 AM

i told him back after his accident that i would attend al-anon if he goe to AA. I still will now. He just wants me to join him so I am not sure what to do...  I joined a group online with people dealing with alcoholics.... but so far everyone has told me i am dumb for still being with him rather than giving me real advise. why i am dumb. etc. Im making phone calls tomorrow to figure out what we should do.... together and seperate...


Quoting BrownEyedGirl86:

Have you thought of going to meetings alone and finding someone there that you can talk to about all of this?



MiddleAgeMess
by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 5:35 AM
1 mom liked this
My dh is an alcoholic by definition. He doesnt drink for 3wks at a time though, due to his job. When hes home for 3 weeks he drinks most nights unless we have his kids.

Because he doesn't drink & drive, or become aggressive, orreally let it effect him in any outward way I dont mind.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)