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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

how would you feel if hubby... long but really need your advice

Posted by on Feb. 22, 2013 at 8:23 AM
  • 32 Replies
Ok so my baby is a month old today. Before she was born, my relationship with my husband of 5 years was awesome. We have a 5 year old together also. Anyways after my youngest was born things seemed fine at first. After about 2 weeks I felt like he wanted to do anything but spend time with me. Then he asked me to fix something on his phone and in the process I stumbled on porn on there. He snatched it out of my hand really quick and when I asked him about it he avoided the question. I told him that it made me feel even more unattractive then I already felt since my body is still getting back to normal. After 2 days he apologized. Then on sunday I suspected he was still looking at it and asked him and he got really defensive. We got in a big argument. I know men look at it but being in the emotional state I'm in it hurt me. Finally on Monday we had sex for the first time since baby was born. I thiught things would get back to normal but then he paid little attention to me the next 3 days even turning me down when I asked him to shower with me. I asked him about it last night on what I had done or why he didn't seem to want to be around me and at first he tried to avoid it but finally he cuddled and then started aex again. Now I feel like he felt obligated.

I know most of my feelings are coming from where I just had a baby but I was wondering if anyone else has dealt with this and did it get back to normal. Am I just being ridiculous? Any advice is appreciated!
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by on Feb. 22, 2013 at 8:23 AM
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ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Feb. 22, 2013 at 9:39 AM
7 moms liked this

I think you are suffering from Ijusthadababyandmyhormonesaregoingcrazyitis. The anti-porn crusaders are going to come into this thread and scream "PORN ADDICT!", but I disagree wholeheartedly. It's a rough adjustment for both of you, things will normalize, you just have to give it time. 

I'm going to be really honest here, if I was a man I wouldn't want to have sex with any woman who just gave birth either. Your (general) vajunk is all stretched out, you (general) still have extra jiggle, and you're (general) chemical crazy to boot. Add exhaustion from lack of sleep due to the baby, plus the fact that you have a new little mewling creature to take all of your attention, and that is a recipe for sexual disaster. 

MomOfTwo0713
by on Feb. 22, 2013 at 10:17 AM
Thank you. I know I am being to sensitive cause before I would not have cared and I tell myself that but I don't listen either. Lol I appreciate your honesty and deep down, I know you are right. Hopefully things will get back to normal soon. Baby is a month old and I can fit in my old clothes. Now I have to tone up.


Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

I think you are suffering from Ijusthadababyandmyhormonesaregoingcrazyitis. The anti-porn crusaders are going to come into this thread and scream "PORN ADDICT!", but I disagree wholeheartedly. It's a rough adjustment for both of you, things will normalize, you just have to give it time. 

I'm going to be really honest here, if I was a man I wouldn't want to have sex with any woman who just gave birth either. Your (general) vajunk is all stretched out, you (general) still have extra jiggle, and you're (general) chemical crazy to boot. Add exhaustion from lack of sleep due to the baby, plus the fact that you have a new little mewling creature to take all of your attention, and that is a recipe for sexual disaster. 


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mom2acutiepie
by Member on Feb. 22, 2013 at 10:28 AM

I agree with this. OP I understand where you are coming from though. Our youngest is 2 months old and we went through something similar. My DH likes porn and I normally don't care but after I had DD it would bother me when he would look at it. I just sat down with him and told him that I was feeling insecure and that it bothered me that he was looking at porn. We ended up coming to a compromise about it and all is great now. 

Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

I think you are suffering from Ijusthadababyandmyhormonesaregoingcrazyitis. The anti-porn crusaders are going to come into this thread and scream "PORN ADDICT!", but I disagree wholeheartedly. It's a rough adjustment for both of you, things will normalize, you just have to give it time. 

I'm going to be really honest here, if I was a man I wouldn't want to have sex with any woman who just gave birth either. Your (general) vajunk is all stretched out, you (general) still have extra jiggle, and you're (general) chemical crazy to boot. Add exhaustion from lack of sleep due to the baby, plus the fact that you have a new little mewling creature to take all of your attention, and that is a recipe for sexual disaster. 



lwalker270
by Bronze Member on Feb. 22, 2013 at 10:32 AM


Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

I think you are suffering from Ijusthadababyandmyhormonesaregoingcrazyitis. The anti-porn crusaders are going to come into this thread and scream "PORN ADDICT!", but I disagree wholeheartedly. It's a rough adjustment for both of you, things will normalize, you just have to give it time. 

I'm going to be really honest here, if I was a man I wouldn't want to have sex with any woman who just gave birth either. Your (general) vajunk is all stretched out, you (general) still have extra jiggle, and you're (general) chemical crazy to boot. Add exhaustion from lack of sleep due to the baby, plus the fact that you have a new little mewling creature to take all of your attention, and that is a recipe for sexual disaster. 

I agree.  

Did you feel like you were ready to have sex so soon?  They give you the six week guideline to give your body time to heal and I know at a month I was still all jacked up.  Take a deep breath and try to relax.  It's a big adjustment for both of you.  




The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.

~ F. Scott Fitzgerald



AnGLInterrupted
by Kendall on Feb. 22, 2013 at 11:02 AM

Communication..

Formulate exactly why you're upset in your head, THEN talk to him.  It helps to have everything sorted out beforehand.  It'll keep you talking about ONE thing (or two) instead of half a dozen (or more).

Tell him how you're feeling.  What's bothering you and WHY it's bothering you.  Let him know that you love him, that you're not angry (if you're angry, let it go BEFORE you talk to him - this helps) but that you need reassurance from him.

MomOfTwo0713
by on Feb. 22, 2013 at 11:47 AM
To be honest, I did want it however I probably would have waited a little longer if I didn't feel like I was loosing him. I started to feel like he was distant about a week before I found the porn. But it didn't really hurt any. I had already been to the er for stomach pain and they said down there was healed up great. I had a very easy and fast delivery this time. I know I am being silly, just can't get it out of my head for some reason.


Quoting lwalker270:


Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

I think you are suffering from Ijusthadababyandmyhormonesaregoingcrazyitis. The anti-porn crusaders are going to come into this thread and scream "PORN ADDICT!", but I disagree wholeheartedly. It's a rough adjustment for both of you, things will normalize, you just have to give it time. 

I'm going to be really honest here, if I was a man I wouldn't want to have sex with any woman who just gave birth either. Your (general) vajunk is all stretched out, you (general) still have extra jiggle, and you're (general) chemical crazy to boot. Add exhaustion from lack of sleep due to the baby, plus the fact that you have a new little mewling creature to take all of your attention, and that is a recipe for sexual disaster. 

I agree.  

Did you feel like you were ready to have sex so soon?  They give you the six week guideline to give your body time to heal and I know at a month I was still all jacked up.  Take a deep breath and try to relax.  It's a big adjustment for both of you.  


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MomOfTwo0713
by on Feb. 22, 2013 at 11:49 AM
Thank you. I have tried to talk to him but not after sitting down and figuring it out myself. He doesn't like talking but maybe I haven't went at it the right way. He is a very defensive guy when it comes to emotions.


Quoting AnGLInterrupted:

Communication..

Formulate exactly why you're upset in your head, THEN talk to him.  It helps to have everything sorted out beforehand.  It'll keep you talking about ONE thing (or two) instead of half a dozen (or more).

Tell him how you're feeling.  What's bothering you and WHY it's bothering you.  Let him know that you love him, that you're not angry (if you're angry, let it go BEFORE you talk to him - this helps) but that you need reassurance from him.


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MomOfTwo0713
by on Feb. 22, 2013 at 11:54 AM
Thank you. Its nice to know I am not the only one. Before I didn't care either. I mean I didn't really want to know or be around when he did but I knew he looked at it. Now I just feel so insecure with the way I look that I feel like he would rather have those girls than me and I know thats probably not true or rational but its my feelings. If you don't mind me asking, what came out of the conversation that helped you feel better and things get normal again.


Quoting mom2acutiepie:

I agree with this. OP I understand where you are coming from though. Our youngest is 2 months old and we went through something similar. My DH likes porn and I normally don't care but after I had DD it would bother me when he would look at it. I just sat down with him and told him that I was feeling insecure and that it bothered me that he was looking at porn. We ended up coming to a compromise about it and all is great now. 


Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

I think you are suffering from Ijusthadababyandmyhormonesaregoingcrazyitis. The anti-porn crusaders are going to come into this thread and scream "PORN ADDICT!", but I disagree wholeheartedly. It's a rough adjustment for both of you, things will normalize, you just have to give it time. 

I'm going to be really honest here, if I was a man I wouldn't want to have sex with any woman who just gave birth either. Your (general) vajunk is all stretched out, you (general) still have extra jiggle, and you're (general) chemical crazy to boot. Add exhaustion from lack of sleep due to the baby, plus the fact that you have a new little mewling creature to take all of your attention, and that is a recipe for sexual disaster. 





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AnGLInterrupted
by Kendall on Feb. 22, 2013 at 12:12 PM

My husband is the same way.  So this method works well for me.  Good luck to you.

Quoting MomOfTwo0713:

Thank you. I have tried to talk to him but not after sitting down and figuring it out myself. He doesn't like talking but maybe I haven't went at it the right way. He is a very defensive guy when it comes to emotions.


Quoting AnGLInterrupted:

Communication..

Formulate exactly why you're upset in your head, THEN talk to him.  It helps to have everything sorted out beforehand.  It'll keep you talking about ONE thing (or two) instead of half a dozen (or more).

Tell him how you're feeling.  What's bothering you and WHY it's bothering you.  Let him know that you love him, that you're not angry (if you're angry, let it go BEFORE you talk to him - this helps) but that you need reassurance from him.



MomOfTwo0713
by on Feb. 22, 2013 at 12:49 PM
Thanks


Quoting AnGLInterrupted:

My husband is the same way.  So this method works well for me.  Good luck to you.

Quoting MomOfTwo0713:

Thank you. I have tried to talk to him but not after sitting down and figuring it out myself. He doesn't like talking but maybe I haven't went at it the right way. He is a very defensive guy when it comes to emotions.





Quoting AnGLInterrupted:

Communication..

Formulate exactly why you're upset in your head, THEN talk to him.  It helps to have everything sorted out beforehand.  It'll keep you talking about ONE thing (or two) instead of half a dozen (or more).

Tell him how you're feeling.  What's bothering you and WHY it's bothering you.  Let him know that you love him, that you're not angry (if you're angry, let it go BEFORE you talk to him - this helps) but that you need reassurance from him.





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