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Trying to be perfect....and failing miserably.

Posted by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 4:07 PM
  • 16 Replies

This is my 2nd marriage and we've been married for a year. I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant with our first child(we each have 2 kids from previous marriages) My last marriage failed due to my ex cheating and so I guess I try to go overboard with my current husband. I put a TON of pressure on myself to do EVERYTHING and be happy about it because I'm terrified of him cheating on me or leaving. When we first started dating he was newly divorced and he slept with his ex wife, twice. We were not a couple at the time but just been on a few dates but it still hangs in the back of my mind, eating at me all the time and I spend a ton of time obsessing and worrying about him leaving me for her. He hid it from me until after we were engaged so it made it alot worse.

I do EVERYTHING around the house, even down to cutting the grass, on top of caring for our kids(2 of which are not in school) and working a part time job 30 hr week job. His ex was extremely lazy and so I make sure I do everything so the only thing he has to do is work and come home. I feel like I'm burdening him if I ask him to do anything. I also obsess about my appearance and workout an hour a day(even still now that I'm pregnant) and make sure to do my hair and makeup everyday. This pregnancy is eating away at me because I'm terrified to gain weight because I'm scared he will no longer want to be intimate with me. I leave sweet things for him all the time to remind him how important he is to me and how much I love him. It's a constant worry if he's late or goes to the store without me that he's cheating.

When I was divorced two of my ex's best friends hit on me and another married man I had known for years did as well. It offended and disgusted me. These men had wives and families of their own but it seemed it wasn't enough. Of course I shot them all down and cut contact with them. My husband's friends had been helping me sell the house and fixing things in it since when we divorced my ex moved to another state. I never came on to them, just regular talk. These women trusted their husbands with me and yet all the men were thinking was getting in my pants. It was gross and feeds my fear even more.

I feel like men expect perfection.....a sweet girl in front of everyone who is an amazing cook, wife, housekeeper, mother, etc. Who has the time to workout everday and keep up her appearance and also time to make sure their kids are top of their class. Who is always in the mood for sex and never turns down an advance, and who is basically a prostitute in the bedroom. I can't keep up with this pressure I've placed on myself. I've talked to my husband about it and he of course says he has no issues helping out and doesn't expect anything from me except to love him but I feel like he's lying. If I was lazy and gained 50+ lbs and let the house go a little bit I would feel like he'd be looking for a way out. I just feel like a complete failure, especially on days where I don't have time for something, whether it be a workout, or to help my daughter a little extra with her schoolwork. With this baby coming soon I know I'm going to be pushing myself even harder, especially to keep up with the housework and losing the weight and since we cannot be intimate for 6+ weeks I'm going to be terrified of him looking elsewhere.

My husband is an amazing man and goes out of his way everyday to make me feel special and loved. I want to be one of those women who trusts their husbands completely and knows that the last thing on their mind but I don't think I ever will be. I would NEVER cheat on my husband, not in a million years. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone but I worry that men's feelings aren't as concrete. It didn't take much for my ex to slip up and it didn't take anyhting for those firneds of his to hit on me (and who knows if they've tried this with other women and succeded!) Please help me. I've tried therapy, not much help. I don't know how I'm ever going to get over him lying to me in the past and the fear of him leaving or worse cheating and keeping it a secret.

by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 4:07 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 4:09 PM

you have some serious issues, you shouldnt have married him... get that divorce lawyer lined up.. you are in for divorce #2.

by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 4:11 PM
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by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 4:22 PM
Maybe you didn't give therapy enough of a try

But hun you got to get over it

He needs to help its best for all involved

Good luck
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by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 4:26 PM
You should look into counseling. It's not healthy to prevent yourself from gaining weight during pregnancy. No one woman is perfect even the ones that pay to fix their appearance have flaws. You can try all you want to be the "perfect" wife but you will eventually burn out.

You feeling the need to do eveything because his ex was lazy is just unnecessary. You are bringing the failures of his 1st marriage into yours. That can become very toxic and lead to another divorce.

The flaws in other married men should not effect the way you view your husband.
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by Melissa on Feb. 26, 2013 at 4:31 PM

get help for yourself. :( You have some serious baggage you need to unload.

by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 4:36 PM
Wow that's A LOT of pressure to pit on yourself. You are going to have a nervous break down. Try therapy again and KEEP TRYING unti you find the right therapist, there is a world of difference amongst therapists.
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by Member on Feb. 26, 2013 at 4:38 PM

I seriously suggest counseling. I honestly think you need an outside unbiased source to get your head straight.  Your going to drive yourself crazy with all the extra baggage you carry.

by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 4:42 PM
Wowza... you need to stop trying to be perfect and just be yourself. I've NEVER in my life met a man who expected perfection... never.
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by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 4:42 PM
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 How good of a wife you are. Has nothing to do with weather your husband will cheat on you or not. You either trust him or you don't. You can not move forward if you keep looking back

by Bella on Feb. 26, 2013 at 9:03 PM

 Perfection is impossible. You will never reach it. I suggest counseling.

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