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Honest Opinions, Please. Re: Abuse

Posted by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 1:30 PM
  • 10 Replies

My DH had gastric surgery a couple years ago.  Since then, he devoloped a problem with alcohol.  This is fairly common with people who've had gastric surgery as their bodies no longer process alcohol in the same manner as someone who has not had a procedure.  The alcohol gets into their blood stream MUCH quicker.  They kinda go from 0-60, if you now what I mean.  Well, The thing is, he became a binge drinker.  He couldn't stop once he started.  And he started to lie about stopping at bars, etc.  All of this I confronted with him, talked and talked and talked.... complained... cried.  Anyhow.  His drinking would get so bad that he would usually black out.  Have no memory of what happened, what was said, where he was, what he did...  

I had called his brother who came over and tried to talk to him, but he was incoherant. So he left and decided to talk to him later.

All of this culminated in him beating the crap out of me.  He has wayyyyyy too much to drink one day, and I refused to let him drive with me in the car, and he wouldn't let me drive.  So I got out at an intersection and had a good friend take me home.  I called and found out he had gone to another bar after I got out of the car as well.  Well, I went home, took a bath, and went to bed.  He came to bed and said some very heinous stuff to me and I kicked him out of the bed and slapped him.  He broke four of my teeth, blackened my eye, almost broke my nose, bruised my arms and cheek, and cut my forehead open.  

I called his brother to see if I could come over and stay there.  He came over with my SIL and when they saw me, they flipped OUT.  

At that point, the alcohol was starting to wear off and DH began to realize what he had done.  At that point I wasn't as concerned about myself, but for him.  I was worried he might do something to himself out of guilt and shame.

He has sworn off alcohol and hasn't touched it in almost two weeks.  He has never been abusive without being drunk.  

My question is, do I trust him?  I love him and we are expecting a baby.  But I don't ever want to relive that night again.  Is it possible for someone to quit something like that on their own.  cold turkey?  Am I fooling myself thinking things will be ok?

by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 1:30 PM
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by Platinum Member on Feb. 27, 2013 at 1:58 PM

my first hubby was an alcoholic and abusive.  I stayed 7 yrs and was beaten black and blue more times than i can count, had broken bones and in the end wound up getting shot.  He always felt remorseful, he always quit for a period of time , went to AA but never stopped.

I hope things get better but my advice is to leave now...sorry it is biased and not likely what you want to hear but that is what happened with me.

by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 2:12 PM
I've never delt with either, have you done counseling? Sorry I don't have anything for you.
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by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 2:14 PM

It's an addiction just like smoking. But yes you can. He just has to have the self will to do it. Maybe seeing you in that state really convinced him. Unforunately people with addictions have to have a "wake up" call. My grandfather had a "wake up" call after smoking for 30+ years. His doctor told him he had lung cancer and had about 3 months to live. He threw his last pack of cigarettes in the garbage on the way out the door, but by then the damage was already done. Hopefully your husband can change his ways.

by Member on Feb. 27, 2013 at 2:16 PM
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It is possible for someone to quite on there own cold turkey. If he hasn't drank in two weeks I think your fine.

  It sounds like you would know if he was lying or hiding it. Now just because he isn't drinking now doesn't mean he can't start. It's a hard process, but yes I would say as of right now trust him.

   He needs to know that you do trust him and let him know he can talk to you about anything. I would suggest that he does do AA or something just so he can have a buddy because temptations are out there and to me I would think that the temptations would be the hardest to get through.

by Melissa on Feb. 27, 2013 at 2:16 PM

I would leave now. He has had such a problem for so long, he won't be able to stop without a lot of help. You need to protect yourself and your child. 

by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 2:20 PM

thank you for that.  Yes, I would most likely know if he was drinking when we aren't together.  He asked me to put a GPS tracker on his phone.  I can see wherever he is, and he knows I can.  It sucks to have to do it.  But I really never thought he'd be capable of anything like that.  I hope things continue the way they are.

by Bronze Member on Feb. 27, 2013 at 2:21 PM

I would consider staying, if he WENT to AND STUCK with councling.  My rules would be clear though, stop councling or start drinking and I'm out.  Hit me again and we will NEVER be together again.

by Silver Member on Feb. 27, 2013 at 2:25 PM
He needs to go to AA meetings. Frequently. It shouldn't be an option.

You should read Boundaries in Marriage & put healthy boundaries in place.

Many women will tell you to divorce him. I believe God restores marriages & that it's worth fighting for.

I do not, however, believe you should be in immediate danger. If he starts drinking again, you should separate yourselves physically so he cannot hurt you. You also need a plan in place in case he starts drinking & you weren't expecting it.
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by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 7:00 PM

Honestly.... your priority should not be him, it should be your unborn baby...which means keeping yourself safe.  I went through this in my first marriage.  When I got pregnant, the light finally went on and I realized that I had a bigger obligation than my husband and how I felt about him.  My story ended up badly, but yours doesn't have to.  No matter what addictions people are dealing with, you cannot predict how it will go.  There is nothing wrong with removing yourself while he gets the help he needs.  You don't have to decide to divorce or make any of those big decisions right away.  But understand that the choices you do make right now should be in the interest of safety and what you truly have control over.  If he's truly remorseful and wants to get better, he will figure out how to do that.  His choices will help you see what path you should take as well.  Take care of yourself and your belly, no matter what.  You will find a strength in yourself that will help you through these hurdles.  Trust yourself to no what is right.  You and your baby deserve a happy and safe life, but you are responsible for providing that.  There is a lot of help out there if you choose to seek it.  Many women have gone through this so know that you are not alone and people will jump to help you.  Let us know if you want/need any resources.  That's what this support of women is for :)

by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 7:06 PM
people can change. they have to have a strong will power, but they can
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