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I have been cast aside completely *updated*

Posted by on Mar. 5, 2013 at 6:09 AM
  • 8 Replies
My dh and I have a five uear old daighter who has become the center of both our worlds. She has always slept in our bed with us. I jave been the only one to actively try to get her in her own bed. Dh says she will get out whenever she is ready herself.

The reason I bring this up is because almost all physical imtimacy between us has been lost and I feel like if we at least had our marital bed back, may be it would help our marriage.

We lack communication because not only does he spend all our family time only talking to and playing with our daughter, but also I am sure I put him off with a sullen attitude frankly because I am resentful and I also have been diagnosed with major depression for which I am on meds.

I text him with "I love yous" and say it every few days. Sometimes I get an i love you back and sometimes not.

We never have adult conversation becaise we are always around little ears so major issu es seldom get talked out and if they do it is over the phone while at work.

We havent had sex in about five weeks and I cant remember the last time he actually kissed and touched me. Sex is quick and quiet and unsatisfying. There has not been passion since five years ago after we first had our daugher

I know I sound like im jealous of our daughter, but it's not like that. I am so thankful he is a wonderful dad to her. The problem is that he is not teaching her how to be an attentive and loving spouse. My efforts to hig him or hold his hand or kiss him are often rejected with some excise like he has a cough or runn nose or i do or whatever-- he is sort of a germaphobe.
The point is I try but feel awful and unloved when I get pushed away or turned down and it makes me not want to try anymore.

We never and I mean NEVER have date nights. I have asked for this many times. I have scheduled it on my own only to hear he doesnt feel like it anymore. I have asked to be invited with him to lunch but he never asks. I suppose my depression has turned him off to me completely

So here I am feeling utterly rejected and alone all the time. At bedtime I go to bed with our daughter in order to keep her in the bed because she wakes up frequently if I get out of bed. So our routine has become that I always go to bed early with her while dh stays up for hours to unwind after work and playing with our daughter. He always hugs her, kisses her, and tells her goodnight sweetie before shutting the door. I am the invisible wife/roomate/housekeeper/caretaker of our child while he works. That is all I am

I have explained these feelings to him many times. Nothing changes. No effort is made. Help!!!!!!!!!!!!

How to i get my husband back? I am so effing alone

Btw i have been trying to take better care of myself with nutrition and exercise and social time with friends in order to keep my sanity. But i feel like a single woman who is not allowed to date if that makes since. No i am not interested in cheating. But it really fels like i am single with a guy roommate. How do u reconnect if the other person has interest in trying?

Sorry if there are spelling errors and lone words. My cell keyboard keeps acting up.

no inte
by on Mar. 5, 2013 at 6:09 AM
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by Member on Mar. 5, 2013 at 7:10 AM

wow hun your going through alot. i feel for you. sometimes i feel like im in the same position you are. sometimes i feel like i should be submissive to him. there are times when there is the lack of intimacy and emotions that are supposed to be in a marriage. i was saying earlier how i feel undesirable and no longer sexy in his eyes, before i was pregnant i had just got into a size 1. now i can barely fit into a 6 or 7, when i talk to him about it he says that i look "fine". just sit down and write him a letter telling him EVERYTHING!!! get everything you need to say off your chest and put it on paper. i did that once and it seemed to improve a little bit. but it just depends if he's willing to listen to you and change to help make your marriage survive. i wish you good luck on this and hope that it improves with time.

by on Mar. 5, 2013 at 7:16 AM
Thank you.
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by on Mar. 5, 2013 at 7:26 AM
You really have to get this out there to him. I like the letter idea. I think sometimes we feel like we make so Many comments and drop soo many hints that any one with half a brain(our spouse/SO) would already know our grievances, but it isn't so. You've got to spell it out completely and then there is a chance that change can happen.
Good luck mama. I know depression is so hard. this situation won't last forever and you will make it through this!
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by Casey on Mar. 5, 2013 at 11:35 AM
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Wow, I'm sorry but you created your own problem here and it's going to be VERY difficult to fix if she's already 5. You gotta get that kid some independance. It's going to take a few really, really rough nights, but you have to do it or you'll still be sleeping with her when she's 12. 

by on Mar. 5, 2013 at 11:41 AM

Ummm is he cheating? I didn't hear you mention anything about that so I'd be suspicious if I were you.  Has he always had a low sex drive? I can't see him becoming so emotionally detached from you 100 percent because of your daughter. It sounds like she the escape goat and there's another issue going on. I hope things get better and it sounds like you both should seek a counselor's help. Get to the root of the problem. Just don't chalk it up to being about your daughter. He seems to be using her to avoid you.

by Trica on Mar. 5, 2013 at 11:50 AM
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This is a prime example why it is IMPORTANT to focus on each as well as a couple without feeling like you are being a sh*tty parent! Your daughter will start school soon if she hadn't already? She needs to learn />

You should take one day out of the week for each other standard no matter what! I am no parenting expert but 5yo should have their own bed&space! She make it were she can lay mommy&daddy until bed time.

Me and DH always said the kids will leave the house one day and when that day comes we don't wanna be strangers.
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by Bronze Member on Mar. 5, 2013 at 12:06 PM


HUGS!  I can understand how you feel, and have felt similar feelings in certain areas.  I think writing a letter is a great idea, explaining how you feel, what you want and need in your marriage to strengthen it.  Time together is so important.  I understand the date situation...It's hard when you want to go out and do things and the other would rather stay at home and do other things.   My hubby is starting to work 6 days a week and on our day off we see our parents or do a lot of house work.  I miss the time out on the town just the two of us (I miss the fun we used to have) but he would rather do other things so we spend time together at home in the evening when we can....good for you to go out and exercise and take sometime for yourself with friends...this is what I have found helps me the most.  I'm a SAHM and feel lonely at times, I think mainly because I have a special needs little boy who is non-verbal, I miss the adult conversations and the working environment at times a lot....have you thought about getting a part time job?  Is your daughter in school?  Sending you hugs! 

by on Aug. 24, 2013 at 9:19 PM
Well, I wrote a letter. I laid it all out on the table and felt very vulnerable. He read it months ago and I never saw it again and he never replied. At all.

I suspect it is in his office where he is storing it to use against me if we ever get divorced-- you know-- so he can show how "emotionally unstable" I am and he can gain full custody of our child. It basically said I didn't know if he loved me anymore.

Did I mention he's a divorce lawyer? Sigh....

It's hopeless.
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