Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

husband and i growing apart...help

Posted by   + Show Post

so my husband and i have been together alomost 8 yrs and married almost 4 yrs.  we had out 1st baby girl 9 weeks ago.  i am stressed out and becoming resentful with him b/c he rarely ever helps me with the baby with out being asked.  i love my baby more than anything but life was sooo different before baby.  ( i wouldnt change anything now) my husband treated me like a person and now i feel like he treats me like i am just there to clean up after him, make him dinner, and take care of our baby.  he complains that we are never intimate anymore but i am just not there with him right now.  but its not like he is trying anyway.  i feel like i am his mother asking him if he took a shower or brushed his teeth for the day.  that never happened before.  maybe i am asking him to much but i am tired of doing everything in the house.  we argue all the time.  what do i do?

 

by on Mar. 7, 2013 at 9:57 PM
Replies (11-20):
mommadana
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 5:29 PM
2 moms liked this

This is probably gonna get something thrown at me, but did you and him discuss what his role would be as a dad?  Not assumptions, but actual discussion, like alternating waking up with baby, putting away laundry, take out the diaper pail, watch baby so you can go anywhere but home. I knwo it seems kinda stupid but some guys are stuck in archaic times and they want you to do what their mom did (or didn't do).  You are now a mom and also supposed to be his sex kitten when you are feeling like the maid, not the french kind either. 

 

I think it's time to bring in reinforcements.  Mom, dad, siblings, bff, someone you trust with your child, a nanny, an actual maid to clean house to give you a break. ANYONE!  You need relief and you need to feel like a woman not just a mom.  You get lost in who you are when you put all your energy into being a mom.  It took me a while to find ME, the new me with mom being part of it.  Go get your hair styled, get a massage, call your church and see if they can come help you clean. 

Now getting him to step up is going to be more interesting.  Do you accidentally do stuff before he does it b/c you don't think he will?  Honestly?  Leave it unless you are a Type A and it drives you nuts.  Let your husband take care of your husband.  He doesn't want to remember that he stinks, fine, let him stink and have furry teeth.  Not your job to remind him to shower or do personal hygiene.  About getting to help around the house.....make a chore chart that you both agree to and hold each other accountable.  You cook, he cleans up.  You dust, he vacuums (or other way around b/c babies put things in mouth)  Have a calm discussion.  No pointing fingers.  Only talk about how YOU feel overwhelmed and that you MISS him doing things with him.  My pastor said the sexiest thinig for a woman is for her man to clean something.  Put on Pastor Jimmy Evans.  Author of Marriage on the Rock. He cracks me up.  He's not meeting your needs, therefore you are not interested in meeting his as you are tired and blah. 

AlwayzBNM3
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 6:48 PM
1 mom liked this

Communication is key hun, GL

Hottmomma607
Report
Monday!
Yesterday at 12:50 PM
by Trica on Mar. 8, 2013 at 7:14 PM
Let him know how you feel. Take time for each other when kids are sleep.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Jennygurl09
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 7:22 PM

Are you spending a vastly large amount of time with the baby, and much less with him?

PriestMommy
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 7:50 PM
2 moms liked this

Ok I notice this a lot..men...they don't like doing anything for the baby other than playing with them...well feeding they will do..but will make it a mess for you just cuz they like making it fun and messy like the baby. They are big kids. And I straight up have asked a few dads what it is about changing diapers..they feel weird about changing female diapers..don't know..any who they want to do the fun stuff that's how it always is, mom's are always the caregivers and the discipliners. And yes, if you are the stay are home mom...they will asume you clean the house and cook cuz they are working and making the money. Thats just how it becomes and it will be tough for a while but you gotta work on it and talk it out. And even if ya gotta argue..argue. If you don't argue..something is wrong..nothing is ever perfect. You did nothing wrong. But because he is a man he is now having to provide for a new person. And that is a new stress. Don't read into. Good luck! Enojoy your baby..focus on her..

Mommy12612
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 9:24 PM
1 mom liked this

Im going through the same thing... guys just feel that they dont have to deal with anything... I completely understand... I get like that .. it gets to the point where i dont want to see him... you just have to take a step back and if the house gets cleaned it gets cleaned o well... like we cant be killing ourselves.. eventually a red flag will go up and he will realize that a magic fairy doesnt come to clean, do laundry make dinner while u just sit taking care of the baby... they just dont understand!

hang in there hun!hugs

momsluvAP
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 10:36 PM
1 mom liked this

Open and two-way communication is the key. Been there...done that. It's not gonna be easy because right now he feels left out and maybe even a bit jealous of the baby. Be honest but not brutally honest if you get my drift...

babie113
by Bronze Member on Mar. 8, 2013 at 10:41 PM
Counseling. Would be worth a shot. Talk to him about it just do it in a non confrontational way. Maybe try date nights.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
DarlaHood
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 4:46 AM
1 mom liked this

I recommend communication.  Just sit down and have a direct and honest conversation about how your lives have changed, how each of you feels, and how you can work as a team to meet each other's needs and move forward.  I hope as husband and wife you can do this, if not get some help from a marriage therapist - maybe just a few sessions to get you through the transition.

It can be a trying time.  You are probably exhausted, and your body is still healing.  He is probably feeling a little jealous and neglected.  But you both want to find a way to grow closer through this challenging time because you have a little one to co-parent, and your baby needs Daddy too!

Swt7
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 1:37 PM
Am sorry to hear this,and honestly when I gave birth dh thought I was good to do all the work not until I told him to help me bse doing housework and taking care of a newborn isn't a joke also if you and your dh could talk about the issue before its too late.
Good luck.
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)