Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

How do you know?

Posted by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 4:17 PM
  • 11 Replies

I was married over 5 years ago to a man I thought I knew. He came off as a nice guy until I married and met the real him. needless to say I did not stay with very long because he was verbally abusive and I did not want to wait until it became physical.

My questions are:

1) How do you know if he is a wolf in sheep's clothing?

2) If there are signs, what should I look for?

3) How do you know if he is a good man without living with him first?

by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 4:17 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
RhiannonMare
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 4:20 PM

I wish I knew. My ex was fine until a couple years into our marriage and he became physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. I'm sure the red flags were there. I just didn't see them at the time.

queensweet
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 4:25 PM

In hindset, I also believe and realized that there were signs in the beginning but I misinterpreted. I thought that he had a bad life in which he was not treated well and needed me. I had no idea that he had all this anger towards women (his 1st ex-wife and his mom) until after we married. 

As women, it seems like we are playing Russian roulette with our safety when dealing with these men out here. They are very dangerous the more insecure and "broken" they are.

Quoting RhiannonMare:

I wish I knew. My ex was fine until a couple years into our marriage and he became physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. I'm sure the red flags were there. I just didn't see them at the time.

 

 

MJP76
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 4:36 PM

Well, I think you should date and or live with someone the minimum of a year before marrying them. But that's a minimum... I think it's actually preferable to date/live with for 3-5 years... Generally the first year is still the "honeymoon phase" after the first year they start showing their true colors. That doesn't hold true for everyone, it's just a general rule of thumb.

RhiannonMare
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 4:41 PM

Yep, I know all about dangerous. I almost left the marriage twice in a body bag. Meth makes people crazy and they turn on those they supposedly love and care about.

Quoting queensweet:

In hindset, I also believe and realized that there were signs in the beginning but I misinterpreted. I thought that he had a bad life in which he was not treated well and needed me. I had no idea that he had all this anger towards women (his 1st ex-wife and his mom) until after we married. 

As women, it seems like we are playing Russian roulette with our safety when dealing with these men out here. They are very dangerous the more insecure and "broken" they are.

Quoting RhiannonMare:

I wish I knew. My ex was fine until a couple years into our marriage and he became physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. I'm sure the red flags were there. I just didn't see them at the time.




NDADanceMom
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 4:42 PM
2 moms liked this

I think looking at his past is a good way to start.  My husband is kind to his mother and sisters.  They say that is a good start.  If the man you like was in a relationship how does he talk about her?  Angry?  Blame?  Hostile?  Have you heard from others it was volatile?  Or did it just not work out and he has fond memories?

Id look at how he treats the people around him.  How does he treat the waiter?  The man who flirted with you?  Pets?  Strangers?  How does he react when things go wrong?  one day I locked my keys in the car, and when he unlocked it for me after a half hour of trying in the cold weather I did it again!  This time the car was running.  It wasnt a minute after he got the keys out the first time!  He started laughing.  He has a good nature.  Calm, sees the humor in things.  We have a funny memory that we still laugh about.  Another man may have been angry about it or said I was stupid.

I did not live with my husband before I married him but I had 6 years of dating experience to know.  I saw he was responsible with his apartment, kept it clean and paid the bills.  He worked hard in college and prepared himself for a good career.  He had a social life and kept himself busy.  He knew how to handle his business on his own and was prepared to take on a wife.  

MJP76
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 4:49 PM


I also agree with this. I personally didn't list any "signs" because sometimes when a person is courting you they hide the bad stuff. Although, I do think that these signs are a potential good place to start.

Quoting NDADanceMom:

I think looking at his past is a good way to start.  My husband is kind to his mother and sisters.  They say that is a good start.  If the man you like was in a relationship how does he talk about her?  Angry?  Blame?  Hostile?  Have you heard from others it was volatile?  Or did it just not work out and he has fond memories?

Id look at how he treats the people around him.  How does he treat the waiter?  The man who flirted with you?  Pets?  Strangers?  How does he react when things go wrong?  one day I locked my keys in the car, and when he unlocked it for me after a half hour of trying in the cold weather I did it again!  This time the car was running.  It wasnt a minute after he got the keys out the first time!  He started laughing.  He has a good nature.  Calm, sees the humor in things.  We have a funny memory that we still laugh about.  Another man may have been angry about it or said I was stupid.

I did not live with my husband before I married him but I had 6 years of dating experience to know.  I saw he was responsible with his apartment, kept it clean and paid the bills.  He worked hard in college and prepared himself for a good career.  He had a social life and kept himself busy.  He knew how to handle his business on his own and was prepared to take on a wife.  



JC2223
by Bronze Member on Mar. 10, 2013 at 9:51 AM
1 mom liked this

 Jealousy, manipulation and especially control are usually the first signs. Unfortunately, woman take these behaviors and misinterpret them for love. These behaviors are not love and don't belong in a healthy relationship.

xoxRachelxox
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 4:44 PM

I do think there are signs but we choose to ignore them because we are "in love" and don't want to think the person we love is a complete asshole.

I think signs are being controlling, jealous over stupid things and being disrespectful are signs. Also, when someone is always saying I'm sorry but they continue to do the things they're "sorry" for is a sign as well.

Sometimes, it is just hard to know until you get there.

This is one of many reasons I feel people SHOULD live together before getting married.

queensweet
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 5:27 PM

I understand your point of view. but there are situations where the men were fine, whether the women lived with them or not, and as soon as they said "I do", he did a 360. 


Quoting xoxRachelxox:

I do think there are signs but we choose to ignore them because we are "in love" and don't want to think the person we love is a complete asshole.

I think signs are being controlling, jealous over stupid things and being disrespectful are signs. Also, when someone is always saying I'm sorry but they continue to do the things they're "sorry" for is a sign as well.

Sometimes, it is just hard to know until you get there.

This is one of many reasons I feel people SHOULD live together before getting married.


 

mrsallen3912
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 6:28 PM

 This!

Quoting NDADanceMom:

I think looking at his past is a good way to start.  My husband is kind to his mother and sisters.  They say that is a good start.  If the man you like was in a relationship how does he talk about her?  Angry?  Blame?  Hostile?  Have you heard from others it was volatile?  Or did it just not work out and he has fond memories?

Id look at how he treats the people around him.  How does he treat the waiter?  The man who flirted with you?  Pets?  Strangers?  How does he react when things go wrong?  one day I locked my keys in the car, and when he unlocked it for me after a half hour of trying in the cold weather I did it again!  This time the car was running.  It wasnt a minute after he got the keys out the first time!  He started laughing.  He has a good nature.  Calm, sees the humor in things.  We have a funny memory that we still laugh about.  Another man may have been angry about it or said I was stupid.

I did not live with my husband before I married him but I had 6 years of dating experience to know.  I saw he was responsible with his apartment, kept it clean and paid the bills.  He worked hard in college and prepared himself for a good career.  He had a social life and kept himself busy.  He knew how to handle his business on his own and was prepared to take on a wife.  

 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN