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"Pretend abuse" UPDATE!!

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The title says it all I guess, this morning my husband and I had a huge fight this morning. It ended with him almost throwing a 13 oz can of formula at me. Something stopped him, maybe it was me jumping back or the look of fear on my face. He says he was jus pretending and it was to get me to shut up or to put me in my place. I ran off crying and he came to further tell me it was m fault because I was telling him he needed to get up and get ready or work. He only had 15 mins before he had to meet his work friends. Now what?? I'm so confused.


update!!!!!!!! 

Sorry it has taken so long to update you all about the situation. All of you have been very supportive. He has been very nice & supportive since the incident however that could be the honeymoon phase. Since it happened he has relived a lot of his past growing up, I think he was abused. I had always thought that but he never told me. His sisters are cruel and his family "jokes" about things they shouldn't. How he grew up is no excuse for bad behavior. We all choose the way we are going to live. I'm trying to support him the best way I can, along with helping myself. I still don't trust him & it's going to take a while. He knows if it doesn't stop I'm going to pack up the children & leave. He called to talk to his mom about his actions, about how he thought growing up like he did affected him. She ended up telling him it was my fault because if I would have been opening the can then he wouldn't have done it, she told him he does to much for me & the girls (he really only helps a little), she told him he hadn't been his self in years because of me ( it couldn't be their fault for treating me and the girls bad), she went over the deep end about religious things, they ended up talking about our sex life or lack there of, it was a long list of things. He ended up saying mean things later that night about all of this. I told him there is NO excuse for abusive behavior and I wasn't going to stand by and let him think there is because of what his mother said. It's all a headache. 

by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 10:00 AM
Replies (11-20):
ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Mar. 13, 2013 at 10:38 AM
5 moms liked this
Isn't that always an abusers motto? "It's your fault. You made me do this."
preacherskid
by Member on Mar. 13, 2013 at 10:38 AM

What would you have done if he had thrown the formula at you?  Would you pack the kids and go, or would you let him explain it all away as your fault because you were pushing him?

AlannaMaria
by Alanna on Mar. 13, 2013 at 10:40 AM
This. * hugs*

Quoting aimesnyc:

Don't let him think for one minute that it was your fault.  He was the one who reacted almost violently.  I would let him know that he's on watch and the next time he "almost" does it, you're gone until he can get his act together and approach the situation like a sane adult.

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littlemrsd
by Bronze Member on Mar. 13, 2013 at 10:43 AM

He has a really tough company if he isn't there to be picked up on time they will leave him. It's not the first time he has done something like this. I get our girls to bed, I stayed up until 1 last night with our baby & I got up at 4-6 with him. Then at 8 to get our 5 year old off to school. This is an everyday thing. He wouldn't get up this morning & his income is our only income. He will get fired for being late. I told him this is the start of the abuse cycle because if he will act like it one day he will do it.. We have had a really rough spot in our marriage but it was getting better. Now this... I feel hopeless and helpless.

littlemrsd
by Bronze Member on Mar. 13, 2013 at 10:46 AM


I didn't really think it was pretend either. I think it was an excuse because he snapped out of it before he did do something. 

Quoting HaileysMom07180:

i don't think it was pretend i think your reaction snapped him out of a blind rage and he was embarrased and tried to chalk it up to pretend.  i could be wrong, i wasn't there, but i've never heard of pretend abuse in the middle of a full blown fight.



littlemrsd
by Bronze Member on Mar. 13, 2013 at 10:47 AM


I would have packed the kids and left. I will not tolerate abuse. 

Quoting preacherskid:

What would you have done if he had thrown the formula at you?  Would you pack the kids and go, or would you let him explain it all away as your fault because you were pushing him?



HaileysMom07180
by Member on Mar. 13, 2013 at 10:47 AM

it sucks that you are going through that though.  luckily for me the only thing dh does when he is mad is go on a walk  Granted when he does that hes usually gone for a couple hours but thats ok.

Quoting littlemrsd:


I didn't really think it was pretend either. I think it was an excuse because he snapped out of it before he did do something. 

Quoting HaileysMom07180:

i don't think it was pretend i think your reaction snapped him out of a blind rage and he was embarrased and tried to chalk it up to pretend.  i could be wrong, i wasn't there, but i've never heard of pretend abuse in the middle of a full blown fight.





preacherskid
by Member on Mar. 13, 2013 at 10:59 AM

Abuse takes many forms.  He may not have hit you physically, but by first telling you he did it as pretend to "snap you out if it" and "put you in your place" then following you to inform you that HIS slip was YOUR fault he was consciously or unconsciously legitimizing his position and reducing yours- which as you stated in one of your replies is an entry step to the abuse cycle.  Am I correct in assuming he probably would have blamed you for being late?  If you want this to work I would strongly recommend joint marriage counseling and separate anger management/counseling for him.  The cycle can be stopped, but he HAS to want it, and he HAS to be willing to work for it every day- no slips.

Quoting littlemrsd:


I would have packed the kids and left. I will not tolerate abuse. 

Quoting preacherskid:

What would you have done if he had thrown the formula at you?  Would you pack the kids and go, or would you let him explain it all away as your fault because you were pushing him?




CafeMom Tickers
littlemrsd
by Bronze Member on Mar. 13, 2013 at 11:34 AM


I wish I can say this was the first time it has happened but never this bad.

Quoting preacherskid:

Abuse takes many forms.  He may not have hit you physically, but by first telling you he did it as pretend to "snap you out if it" and "put you in your place" then following you to inform you that HIS slip was YOUR fault he was consciously or unconsciously legitimizing his position and reducing yours- which as you stated in one of your replies is an entry step to the abuse cycle.  Am I correct in assuming he probably would have blamed you for being late?  If you want this to work I would strongly recommend joint marriage counseling and separate anger management/counseling for him.  The cycle can be stopped, but he HAS to want it, and he HAS to be willing to work for it every day- no slips.

Quoting littlemrsd:


I would have packed the kids and left. I will not tolerate abuse. 

Quoting preacherskid:

What would you have done if he had thrown the formula at you?  Would you pack the kids and go, or would you let him explain it all away as your fault because you were pushing him?






goddiddlyumshis
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 11:36 AM
ew what a dick.
it wasnt pretend, your reaction just tossed him back into reality.
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