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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

"Pretend abuse" UPDATE!!

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The title says it all I guess, this morning my husband and I had a huge fight this morning. It ended with him almost throwing a 13 oz can of formula at me. Something stopped him, maybe it was me jumping back or the look of fear on my face. He says he was jus pretending and it was to get me to shut up or to put me in my place. I ran off crying and he came to further tell me it was m fault because I was telling him he needed to get up and get ready or work. He only had 15 mins before he had to meet his work friends. Now what?? I'm so confused.


update!!!!!!!! 

Sorry it has taken so long to update you all about the situation. All of you have been very supportive. He has been very nice & supportive since the incident however that could be the honeymoon phase. Since it happened he has relived a lot of his past growing up, I think he was abused. I had always thought that but he never told me. His sisters are cruel and his family "jokes" about things they shouldn't. How he grew up is no excuse for bad behavior. We all choose the way we are going to live. I'm trying to support him the best way I can, along with helping myself. I still don't trust him & it's going to take a while. He knows if it doesn't stop I'm going to pack up the children & leave. He called to talk to his mom about his actions, about how he thought growing up like he did affected him. She ended up telling him it was my fault because if I would have been opening the can then he wouldn't have done it, she told him he does to much for me & the girls (he really only helps a little), she told him he hadn't been his self in years because of me ( it couldn't be their fault for treating me and the girls bad), she went over the deep end about religious things, they ended up talking about our sex life or lack there of, it was a long list of things. He ended up saying mean things later that night about all of this. I told him there is NO excuse for abusive behavior and I wasn't going to stand by and let him think there is because of what his mother said. It's all a headache. 

by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 10:00 AM
Replies (31-40):
coreynlala
by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 12:45 PM

I had an ex who used to stop him self just before he'd do it until one day I emded up down the stairs. Obviously if there's a can of formula then there's a baby involved. I"m not gonna be dramatic and say that you need to run. If this is a first offense then maybe a nice sit down conversation when the baby is asleep would be good. Just let him know how it made you feel and if you even have to start off by being the bigger person and say sometging like " sorry about nagging this morning. blah blah blah and then slip in, I know you love me but that really scared me. I didn't know you were playing. Please lets not go there again."  This may not be a once a jerk always a jerk situation. By the way I don't mean that you were in the wrong by any means but I figure starting the conversation out thatway might make him more likely to listen cond=sidering men tend to get defensive fast, Good luck :)

littlemrsd
by Bronze Member on Mar. 14, 2013 at 1:08 PM

We have two girls. 5 years old & 9 months old. 

Quoting coreynlala:

I had an ex who used to stop him self just before he'd do it until one day I emded up down the stairs. Obviously if there's a can of formula then there's a baby involved. I"m not gonna be dramatic and say that you need to run. If this is a first offense then maybe a nice sit down conversation when the baby is asleep would be good. Just let him know how it made you feel and if you even have to start off by being the bigger person and say sometging like " sorry about nagging this morning. blah blah blah and then slip in, I know you love me but that really scared me. I didn't know you were playing. Please lets not go there again."  This may not be a once a jerk always a jerk situation. By the way I don't mean that you were in the wrong by any means but I figure starting the conversation out thatway might make him more likely to listen cond=sidering men tend to get defensive fast, Good luck :)



coreynlala
by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 1:20 PM

If you two have been together that long then it's definitely worth it to just sit down and try to calmly discuss what happened and maybe he had some other this stressing him out as well. Not making excuses but you are a family and you are worth it :) My prince hasn't always been perfect but to me the bigger picture was most important. I have one of them hard headed men who instantly feel like I'm nagging even when I'm being sweet. I just have to grab his grumpy face and kiss him and with in a few mins he's all better. I swear he was raised by wolves lol

la_bella_vita
by Bella on Mar. 14, 2013 at 1:28 PM

 That's terrible

littlemrsd
by Bronze Member on Mar. 14, 2013 at 4:00 PM


We have been together for almost 3 and married almost 2

Quoting coreynlala:

If you two have been together that long then it's definitely worth it to just sit down and try to calmly discuss what happened and maybe he had some other this stressing him out as well. Not making excuses but you are a family and you are worth it :) My prince hasn't always been perfect but to me the bigger picture was most important. I have one of them hard headed men who instantly feel like I'm nagging even when I'm being sweet. I just have to grab his grumpy face and kiss him and with in a few mins he's all better. I swear he was raised by wolves lol



Charlotte1608
by Lottie on Mar. 14, 2013 at 8:00 PM
that's not normal. even if he wasn't going to throw it at you, intimidation is just as bad. i nag my hubs to get up for work sometimes and he's NEVER EVER reacted like that.
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PinkButterfly66
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 5:18 PM

He blames you for him "almost" throwing a can of formula at him -- BIG red flag.  Abusers ALWAYS blame the victim.

Bamsmom2012
by Member on Mar. 16, 2013 at 12:04 AM

this sounds like typical precursor to abuse sweety. this doesnt sound safe at all a man who would never hit you would never act or pretend that he would and especially not to get you to "shut up or put you in your place".

 

lillybug222
by Silver Member on Mar. 16, 2013 at 9:24 AM
That's abuse. Seek counseling ASAP before it escalates.

In addition, don't be his mom. If he's late, he's late. It's a natural consequence.
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gonecrazi
by on Mar. 16, 2013 at 9:58 AM

 I don't think there is anything called "pretend abuse". It's like "pretend pregnancy".

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