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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

"Pretend abuse" UPDATE!!

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The title says it all I guess, this morning my husband and I had a huge fight this morning. It ended with him almost throwing a 13 oz can of formula at me. Something stopped him, maybe it was me jumping back or the look of fear on my face. He says he was jus pretending and it was to get me to shut up or to put me in my place. I ran off crying and he came to further tell me it was m fault because I was telling him he needed to get up and get ready or work. He only had 15 mins before he had to meet his work friends. Now what?? I'm so confused.


update!!!!!!!! 

Sorry it has taken so long to update you all about the situation. All of you have been very supportive. He has been very nice & supportive since the incident however that could be the honeymoon phase. Since it happened he has relived a lot of his past growing up, I think he was abused. I had always thought that but he never told me. His sisters are cruel and his family "jokes" about things they shouldn't. How he grew up is no excuse for bad behavior. We all choose the way we are going to live. I'm trying to support him the best way I can, along with helping myself. I still don't trust him & it's going to take a while. He knows if it doesn't stop I'm going to pack up the children & leave. He called to talk to his mom about his actions, about how he thought growing up like he did affected him. She ended up telling him it was my fault because if I would have been opening the can then he wouldn't have done it, she told him he does to much for me & the girls (he really only helps a little), she told him he hadn't been his self in years because of me ( it couldn't be their fault for treating me and the girls bad), she went over the deep end about religious things, they ended up talking about our sex life or lack there of, it was a long list of things. He ended up saying mean things later that night about all of this. I told him there is NO excuse for abusive behavior and I wasn't going to stand by and let him think there is because of what his mother said. It's all a headache. 

by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 10:00 AM
Replies (21-30):
littlemrsd
by Bronze Member on Mar. 13, 2013 at 11:41 AM


That's what I think to.

Quoting goddiddlyumshis:

ew what a dick.
it wasnt pretend, your reaction just tossed him back into reality.



preacherskid
by Bronze Member on Mar. 13, 2013 at 11:43 AM

So it is escalating.  Are these incidents becoming more frequent?  Does he ever get apologetic, seem remorseful, or try to make up for his behavior by doing or buying special things?  There is a predictable cycle in most abuse situations- trigger, abuse, apology, "honeymoon", trigger, abuse, etc.  Over time the apology and "honeymoon" phases shorten, and the abuse phase lengthens.  You want to avoid this, either by working through it WITH a third party- not something the two of you can handle alone, or by removing yourself and your children from the situation.  Document any incidents if you choose to leave.

Quoting littlemrsd:


I wish I can say this was the first time it has happened but never this bad.

Quoting preacherskid:

Abuse takes many forms.  He may not have hit you physically, but by first telling you he did it as pretend to "snap you out if it" and "put you in your place" then following you to inform you that HIS slip was YOUR fault he was consciously or unconsciously legitimizing his position and reducing yours- which as you stated in one of your replies is an entry step to the abuse cycle.  Am I correct in assuming he probably would have blamed you for being late?  If you want this to work I would strongly recommend joint marriage counseling and separate anger management/counseling for him.  The cycle can be stopped, but he HAS to want it, and he HAS to be willing to work for it every day- no slips.

Quoting littlemrsd:


I would have packed the kids and left. I will not tolerate abuse. 

Quoting preacherskid:

What would you have done if he had thrown the formula at you?  Would you pack the kids and go, or would you let him explain it all away as your fault because you were pushing him?







CafeMom Tickers
Megan11587
by Megan on Mar. 13, 2013 at 11:43 AM

This was my thought. 

Quoting KristenFowles:

he probably lost his temper and really did go to throw the formula at you.. but then he caught himself and realized it'd be a bad idea.  


AnGLInterrupted
by Kendall on Mar. 13, 2013 at 11:45 AM

Huge red flag!!  It's only a matter of time before pretend becomes reality.

MomToovey
by Marianne on Mar. 13, 2013 at 2:08 PM

 Pretend or not, there are healthier ways for him to get his point across. And over getting ready to work? What a baby. I would not put up with that. In my opinion, it's still abuse because he still intentionally caused fear. If this were my husband, he would know that if it ever happened again, his daughter and I would be out of the picture permanently.

littlemrsd
by Bronze Member on Mar. 13, 2013 at 5:00 PM


I have never been that scared of him, it was the look on his face. 

Quoting MomToovey:

 Pretend or not, there are healthier ways for him to get his point across. And over getting ready to work? What a baby. I would not put up with that. In my opinion, it's still abuse because he still intentionally caused fear. If this were my husband, he would know that if it ever happened again, his daughter and I would be out of the picture permanently.



xoxRachelxox
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 5:56 PM

Wow... So he wanted to throw something at you but stopped himself and then told you it was your fault? That's not okay. It sounds like next time maybe he will hit you. I wouldn't be comfortable with him anymore. 

nicole2884
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 6:20 PM
Ass

So your a bitch for thinking of him an helping what the hell

No he owes you one big apology
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
littlemrsd
by Bronze Member on Mar. 13, 2013 at 7:57 PM


He will be home soon. 

Quoting nicole2884:

Ass

So your a bitch for thinking of him an helping what the hell

No he owes you one big apology



TexanMomOf6
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 11:36 PM
2 moms liked this

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/wendy-kay/avoid-abusive-relationship-15-signs-abuser-expert/page/1

 

It may be easier to avoid an abusive relationship if you're able to detect the early signs. The following list "15 Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship" is distributed by The Women's Center to women seeking domestic violence counseling. A path to a safer, healthier and happier life often starts with a bit of knowledge. If your partner displays the following behaviors, you may be in an abusive relationship.

1. He pushes for quick involvement.  He comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this before by anyone." You get pressured for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

2. There is jealousy. Your partner is excessively possesive, calls constantly, or visits unexpectedly.

3. He is controlling. He interrogates you intensely about who you talked to and where you were; checks mileage on the car; keeps all the money or asks for receipts; insists you ask for permission to go anywhere or do anything.

4. He has very unrealistic expectations. He expects you to be the perfect person and meet their every need.

5. There is isolation. He tries to cut you off from family and friends; deprives you of a phone or car, or tries to prevent you from holding a job.

6. He blames others for his own mistakes. The boss, family, you - it's always someone else's fault if anything goes wrong.

7. He makes everyone else responsibile for their feelings. The abuser says, "You make me angry" instead of "I'm angry." "I wouldn't get so pissed off if you wouldn't...

8. There is hypersensitivity. He Is easily insulted and will often rant and rave about injustices that are just part of life.

9. He is cruel to animals and children. He kills or punishes animals brutally. He also may expect children to do things beyond their ability, or tease them until they cry.

10. His "playful" use of force during sex. He enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will; he says they find the idea of rape exciting. Intimidates, manipulates, or forces you to engage in unwanted sex acts.

11. There is verbal abuse. He constantly criticizes you or says cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. He will use vulnerable points about your past/life against you.

12. There are rigid gender roles. He Expects you to serve, obey, and remain at home.

13. He has sudden mood swings. He switches from loving to angry in a matter of minutes

14. He has a past of battering. He admits to hitting women in the past, but states that they or the situation brought it on.

15. There are threats of violence. He makes statements such as, "I'll break your neck," but then dismisses it with "I really didn't mean it."

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