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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

I Need Advice (Regarding Suspecting Infidelity)

Posted by on Mar. 19, 2013 at 8:07 PM
  • 13 Replies

My husband doesn't have the the best track record for telling the truth, and he's admitted that and we are now in therapy because of it. I don't trust him and rightfully so (according to our therapist). On the first day of therapy he promised that all the lying would stop and he would come clean with everything and swore to me that he lies to me about irrelevant things, and that he has never stepped out on me. However, I've found pics in his phone (prior to therapy) and texts from a co-worker, but I found more pics last night of someone that he claims he "friended" on Google something or another. Of course, once I found it he was so apologetic and begging me to keep working on our relationship. I wasn't sure if I wanted to do this because I think I'm afraid to find out the truth, but I think I do now: track his phone to find out all incoming and outgoing texts, emails and calls. I know people are going to say, just leave him since I don't trust him and he's obviously a liar, but its just not that simple for. I think everything can be repaired if both parties are giving all their effort and we have 3 boys and I need to do everything in my power to keep this marriage for myself (because I want to be with him, not just feel like I need to be) and for them. Thoughts?


Cafe Jewel

juggling

by on Mar. 19, 2013 at 8:07 PM
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Replies (1-10):
boshs1andonly
by on Mar. 19, 2013 at 8:11 PM
4 moms liked this
Of course everything can be repaired if both parties want to make it work. The question here is does he want to make it work? Lying is lying and the fact that he thinks its irrelevant stuff isn't good enough, for all you know he includes something that you would consider a big deal kwim? Of course its not that simple to leave when you're married with children. But you can't use that to rationalize staying when he's not willing to change. You're already in therapy and he's still lying? That's not a good sign
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Zazayam
by on Mar. 19, 2013 at 8:40 PM

I would stick with the therapy for a while before you make any solid decision one way or the other. Everything can indeed be fixed but it does require both people working on it. Good luck and I'm sorry you're going through this.

JewelJones
by Cafe Jewel. on Mar. 19, 2013 at 8:47 PM

Boshs1andonly,

My initial reaction to your post is to defend him, just by instinct becasue he's my husband, but, like you said, that's what I need to stop doing (rationalizing). The things I catch him lying about are irelevant, like if he called someone he said he did or if he left work when he said he did. My concern is if he finds that stuff reasoning enough to lie about, then he damn sure will lie he's interested in another person or considering cheating. I'm not lie that though;if I find myself entertaining the thought of possibly pursuing someone else, I tell him and address the issue. We're all human, we may have thoughts of other people or may be having borderline inappropriate converstaions with someone else, but thats when we shoud nip it and tell the other person so we won't find ourselves there again. I just want the same effort and consideration that Im giving. Thanks for your thought.

Cafe Jewel

juggling

MagicTemptation
by Christina on Mar. 19, 2013 at 10:24 PM

This. If he isn't on board 100% I don't see how you guys can repair things. 

Quoting boshs1andonly:

Of course everything can be repaired if both parties want to make it work. The question here is does he want to make it work? Lying is lying and the fact that he thinks its irrelevant stuff isn't good enough, for all you know he includes something that you would consider a big deal kwim? Of course its not that simple to leave when you're married with children. But you can't use that to rationalize staying when he's not willing to change. You're already in therapy and he's still lying? That's not a good sign


jmjdj
by Bronze Member on Mar. 19, 2013 at 11:37 PM
3 moms liked this
I just want to say that I commend you for doing everything you can to save your marriage...for yourself, your husband and your kids. It's not easy and is especially difficult when there is lying and potential cheating.

I don't really have any good advice except to say if you decide to look into his phone records, etc....be prepared for what you might find and have a plan in place if you find things that aren't good. I'm not saying leave him automatically, just be prepared. It is extremely hurtful when you see thousands of text messages and hours of calls to someone else. Needless to say, I speak from experience and it's not pleasant. I divorced my lying cheating husband of 15 years that I had two boys with after giving him 8 months to change his ways.

Good luck to you...I truly hope for a good outcome for you all.
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CarolenasMommy
by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 7:59 AM
I think you should do what you can live with..its your life and when you're done you will be done. I don't think anyone else can possibly know where your heart is. Good luck I hope everything works out for you and your family and if that means without him be strong!
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krisdev67
by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 8:32 AM

go to www.survivinginfidelity.com

Sometimes just gathering the information and confronting isn't enough.  You need to truly know what your options are.  Also, I know that you have 3 children with him so you want your family intact, because let's face it if you guys separate lord knows who he would have around your kids.  But, is that the type of life you want for yourself?  You most definately need to ask yourself some deep questions. GL

boshs1andonly
by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 8:45 AM
I know what you're going through, I was there a few years ago. I just KNEW he was cheating but couldn't prove it. Until months later when I found emails. I told him its me or her, if you can't break this off right now I'm done. He apologized and worked his ass off to regain my trust. So believe me, its possible to get past it but only if you're both willing to put in the work and that starts with being honest. Good luck

Quoting JewelJones:

Boshs1andonly,

My initial reaction to your post is to defend him, just by instinct becasue he's my husband, but, like you said, that's what I need to stop doing (rationalizing). The things I catch him lying about are irelevant, like if he called someone he said he did or if he left work when he said he did. My concern is if he finds that stuff reasoning enough to lie about, then he damn sure will lie he's interested in another person or considering cheating. I'm not lie that though;if I find myself entertaining the thought of possibly pursuing someone else, I tell him and address the issue. We're all human, we may have thoughts of other people or may be having borderline inappropriate converstaions with someone else, but thats when we shoud nip it and tell the other person so we won't find ourselves there again. I just want the same effort and consideration that Im giving. Thanks for your thought.

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lillybug222
by Silver Member on Mar. 20, 2013 at 8:50 AM
I believe marriage is worth fighting for.

Understand, your husband will not change his behavior over night, so I, personally, would not hold him accountable by saying or thinking, "You said in counseling you'd NEVER lie again!" If he's trying, your role is to be patient & encouraging. If he tells the truth over lying about something, you should tell him how much you appreciate it & do your best not to overreact about whatever truth he is telling you. Additionally, I believe it takes one person to make a marriage better and that every spouse can improve; you should identify areas in your marriage where you can improve as a spouse (regardless of what your husband is or isn't doing).

In order to change his behavior he needs to identify what prompts him from keeping the truth from you--does he need to feel in control? Do the topics he lies about make him feel less as a man if he were to tell the truth? Does he fear your reaction to bad news if he tells the truth? Did he feel the need to lie to a certain person in his past & it's carried on? Is it a bad habit he's never broken? Once he's identified why he's behaving this way, he needs tools to behave differently. If he doesn't learn a new behavior, nothing will change. With that said, I hope this is what your counselor is working toward; if not, you ought to seek a different counselor (at least for your husband's needs).
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furbabymum
by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 10:40 AM

 I think it would be nice for you to know for absolute positive what he has been doing. Some may say it's unimportant but as the wife of someone who once cheated I think it's really important. You need to know what he is doing, what risks he's taken, so you can decide what you are willing to work past. The risk of STD's is so high that I'm not sure what I would do if my DH was caught with multiple women.

Anyway, you can put a keylogger no his computer as well. He probably has all sorts of false accounts you don't know about.

Otherwise, if you find out he's doing this it's not really anything you can stop. For him to be in therapy with you but still doing shit isn't a good sign. He needs to show some real honest effort here. He needs to be an open book. You need to have his passwords and be able to check his cellphone. Eventually you'll trust him again (if he's not still doing crap) and won't need him to be so open anymore. Until then, he better work damn hard at being honest. If he doesn't, will you accept his infidelity or move on?

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