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Any military wives out there...Help please!

Posted by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 11:21 PM
  • 27 Replies

I don't know where to even begin with this but here goes

I have been married to DH for 6 years now and have 2 kids ages 5 and 2. DH has never been deployed before and now has his first set of order to deploy in September. He has heard all the stories about wifes taking all the money and running and has decided to make his grandmother POA while he is away. This was a decision that I had no so in it was told to me this is what is happening and thats it. He also recently told me he was looking into getting my name off the account since my paycheck goes to a sepreate account (this was due to past issues I had with him spening and giving money away without talking to me first). I'm confused on how this works since we have USAA and everything is coneccted to this account and all vehicles are in his name so we didnt have to pay property taxes since he's an NY resident. Does any one know anything that could help?

Thanks in advance

busy momThey are my world!!!

by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 11:21 PM
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by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 11:32 PM

Hmm,I have no idea because my husband and I weren't married when he was deployed.His brother had power of attorney while he was deployed. After we got married,we went to an attorney and fixed everything so that we have power of attorney in the event that the other person is incapacitated. But I don't know how that would work with the military...he's not scheduled to deployed again anytime soon so we haven't really talked about it.

But here's a bump!

CafeMom Tickers

"Live as if you have faith and faith will be given to you"

by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 5:05 AM
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Both my husband and I are AD. Message me your questions and I can try to answer.

by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 9:15 AM
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"DH has never been deployed before"

After 10 straight years of deployments & patrols I'd suggest one thing $ wise, look at what you spend now and put what you save with him being gone in a savings account, it adds up quick.

"He has heard all the stories about wifes taking all the money and running and has decided to make his grandmother POA while he is away."

Sorry, salty Navy wife here, but HUGE RED FLAG!! If after 6yrs of marriage, and taking care of two kids, he doesn't trust you there are some serious things that need to be discussed be it between the two of you or with a Chaplain or marriage counselor. I would get it done BEFORE he deploys. It would be one thing if it was just you, as is the case in many of the 'she ran off with my money' stories, but y'all have kids. Unless you've done some devious spending in the last 6yrs, he has no reason to put you on the chopping block because there are money hungry tag chasers out there. Taking into account that it sounds like you have your own job, and he was the one with spending problems....this just doesn't add up.

"I'm confused on how this works since we have USAA and everything is coneccted to this account and all vehicles are in his name so we didnt have to pay property taxes since he's an NY resident."

My husband and I have USAA and unless you are on his account, authorized, you won't be able to do jack squat. That goes for bank or vehicle.

Sorry, it's blunt, it's how I am. You and your Hubby (especially him) need some marriage counsling. And he needs to quit listening to 'sea tales'!!! There are so many stories from both sides of the coin, he should know you, his wife of 6yrs well enough to not put this guilt on you when you've done nothing to deserve it. He is saying, "yes, you're my wife but I don't trust you!!" Again sorry, blunt but that is what he is saying. Talk to him. Tell him you don't appreciate his distrust, and his putting others crimes on your head. It's total bs from what you've shared here, and he need to grow up, and respect you as his wife and as a equal paycheck earner in the household.

Reguarding the POA, idk which branch y'all are but the Navy & most banks require a different POA for darn near everything, bank accounts, loans, credit cards, house, household goods, ID (incase it gets lost while he is deployed), car tags, car insurance, car registration...I mean everything, practically carry a binder of POAs.

Please talk to your Hubby, and a Chaplain or a Fleet & Family (or whatever your branch has) marriage counselor.

((Sorry bit of a soap box yes, but after 10yrs married & 5yrs before that seen this way to many times and it gets beyond under my skin to see faithful wives screwed by 'sea tales'))
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by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 10:02 AM
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Sorry, had to put the phone down for a few and calm down :P

Here is the ...well ok a few more issues that arise with her being his POA: does she live in the same town as you? If she doesn't and you need money to fix something major, ie transmission on a car, and he has taken you off the checking accounts, how many days is it gonna take for Grandma to get you the money? And that is IF she doesn't accuse you of trying to "just get his money".

I hate to even throw this out there, but there are some crappy people in this world, all types of family included, just watch a reality series or two or browse the boards point is, she is just as capable of "running off" with his money as you (no I'm not saying you would/will just making point).

Back to the vehicle topic, if he plans on going through with this while he is deployed HE needs to make sure the vehicle registrations are good till beyond his deployment, that the insurance is renewed, and that any automatic bills that may be paid off while he is gone have a shut off date otherwise they'll keep auto paying (not a fun argument to have with the bank sans a POA).

Above all else, he needs to look at what he will be doing to his family. He needs to make sure YOU have enough money to take care of you and HIS kids while he is gone.
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by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 10:47 AM
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Yeah I'd never ever let my husband name someone else on a POA or change account information. You are his wife and there needs to be trust there.
Him doing all this showed how little he trusts you and that's a no go for me.
You need to out a stop to that now. Because you need to be able to take care of things as a spouse that his grandmother just cannot do. That's is so disrespectful. And its 6 months away he taking you off the bank account and goving POAs to others? Sounds really weird to me.
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by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 12:26 PM
Thanks for the reply. I appreciate you being blunt that's exactly what I'm seeking. I have been trying to talk to him about this and asking him why I automatically get grouped with those type of people. I have never done anything to ever even suggest I would do anything. I am a one man woman and was raised to respect the vows I made and fully intend to stick to those.

As far as the marriage counselor we tried that about a year ago and it got us nowhere I don't see that helping a second time.

I just don't get it and he doesn't see where I'm coming from he thinks nothing will change and nothing's gonna happen. I'm just at a loss I don't know what to do next.
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by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 12:50 PM

I'm sorry he is assuming that you would do that to him. I feel bad because if he is acting like this towards you now before he deploys, than he is going to make it tough when he is gone. I was deployed twice, never married while deployed, and made my dad my poa. I've seen the example he used many times, but I've also seen women stand by their men and do everything they can to support them. I've seen men and women cheat on deployments, ppl get drunk, abuse drug, and I've seen the most well behaved military members as well. It happens and it's sad. I've seen a Ssgt cheat on deployment with a pfc and go home and divorce his wife because she cheated, but failed to mention he cheated as well. I hope I'm not putting a bad taste in your mouth, I'm just saying, he is wrong to not put you as poa, you're the mother of his children. His biggest supporter I'm sure. Ppl screw it up for everyone. He can't assume you are like that. My husband and I were both ad Marines, we are iar now. We both been deployed 2 times and once with each other. He was in for 10 yrs and I was in for 6. If you need anything, have any questions, I'll do my best to answer. Thank you, for being a military wife. It's a hard job. 

by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 12:55 PM


Sorry didn't see the second post until now. His grandmother live right around the corner from us, but I agree with you and I have brought this up to him about her being just as capable of taking his money. But he of course says she's not like that and it not about not trusting me it's about having a plan B. He fully expects me to be ok with having to go to her and ask for money if something major were to happen because in his mind its the same as coming to him. 

As far as the bills everything comes out of his account automatically so he doesn't see a big deal there even though his grandmother doesn't know the first thing about our household bills. But he says he will go over it with her. 

We just keep going in circles and he keeps saying it doesn't matter what I say its happening and if I don't want to sign off the accounts he'll just move to another bank.

by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 1:48 PM

Thanks for the replies. We have been going in circles about this for awhile now and I am so pissed I could scream. Its seems as though the more I push or question this the more it makes him believe he is right to be doing it in the first place. I have loved and supported him for over 6 years and now he is acted like all women are the same and it doesn't matter what I say its still possible and that's enough. 

Another problem I am seeing is that he wants his grandmother to be able to go and get whatever she "needs" and not have to ask me because its his money and I wouldn't just give it to her. That's why we have separate accounts now is he gives and gives and gives and there is no discussion,limits, and no end in sight. Don't get me wrong if she legitimately needed money I would give it to her but it has become a money management issue more so than a shes in a tough spot temporally issue.

I have somehow become the odd one out in this situation for wanting to be including in our finances and have paid the price and Im not sure what to do next. 

by on Mar. 24, 2013 at 10:06 AM
Military life is very hard my husband cheated on me when he was deployed and I was home w the baby my advice get a power of attorney and learn to do everything yourself and make sure you are on top of everything Chaplin is a help and support groups and heck other wives
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