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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Hubby and I start marriage counseling tomorrow :/ UPDATE

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And honestly I'm nervous as hell.

We've gone once before...Back in '09-'10, we went for a total of 5 months.  It helped us then, and I'm hoping it helps us now.  But we're so far into this mess we've created that I'm afraid there's no helping us.  I'm afraid 2 deployments and multiple lengthy training exercises have changed my husband for the worst, and as much as I try to talk to him and get him to understand what it's doing to our family, he just doesn't see what the problem is.  We are both on anti-depressants, and I'm also on an anti-anxiety additive as well.  I'm hoping by us going to counseling together again, we will get somewhere and be able to start fixing our problems and turn our relationship back into a loving one, instead of me feeling like the kids and I are just a burden to him.  

We only get 6 sessions with his squadron chaplain, and then after that he can refer us to an actual therapist if he thinks we need more...And I'm hoping he does because I know 6 sessions isn't enough.

3/28 UPDATE:

Well we went to our first session yesterday.  It went really well.  So far the chaplain seems to be pretty fair and unbiased.  We discussed the big major issues that brought us to see him, discussed where we want our relatioship to be, etc.  Right off the bat, he said we will be doing more than 6 sessions with him.  I guess he thinks our issues are that serious, that he wants to spend more time with us than he usually spends doing marital counseling.  Which I am happy about.  He didn't say how many sessions, just more than the normal 6.  We will be seeing him every Wednesday morning unless something comes up with my husband's work, at which point we will reschedule as soon as possible.  

The chaplain did give us a few things to work on at home until our next session.  He gave us each an "assessment" to do, just basically so he can get a feel on how we view each other and our relationship.  


by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 7:03 PM
Replies (21-30):
pookie4907
by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 1:07 PM
I know 6 sessions isn't enough, trust me. But it's where my husband wanted to start. If the chaplain doesn't refer us afterward, or if I don't like the way it's going, I'm going to talk to MFLAC and go from there.

Quoting CharlotteRose:

 


I agree 6 sessions is like a quick fix - can't fix anything in such a short of a time frame...it only causes unrealistic expectations....


Quoting jsmom01:


6 sessions is not enough period.  Is this squadron Chaplain a licensed therapist.... that is bologna. Go see a LCPC/LPC, or LMFT, or if you want to see someone faith based,  look for  a Licensed clinician who is also a pastoral counselor.  Love Language books are good to read as a couple as well.  They are great.  You also need someone unbiased... a squadran chaplain  is likely biased. 


I would also reccommend for you exploring mindfulness based stress reduction.  will help with anxiety. (studies show it).  Hang in there.




 

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CharlotteRose
by Charlotte on Mar. 27, 2013 at 1:09 PM

 

That is great you have a back up plan, i thought for a moment that is all you guys get LOL 

Quoting pookie4907:

I know 6 sessions isn't enough, trust me. But it's where my husband wanted to start. If the chaplain doesn't refer us afterward, or if I don't like the way it's going, I'm going to talk to MFLAC and go from there.

Quoting CharlotteRose:

 


I agree 6 sessions is like a quick fix - can't fix anything in such a short of a time frame...it only causes unrealistic expectations....


Quoting jsmom01:


6 sessions is not enough period.  Is this squadron Chaplain a licensed therapist.... that is bologna. Go see a LCPC/LPC, or LMFT, or if you want to see someone faith based,  look for  a Licensed clinician who is also a pastoral counselor.  Love Language books are good to read as a couple as well.  They are great.  You also need someone unbiased... a squadran chaplain  is likely biased. 


I would also reccommend for you exploring mindfulness based stress reduction.  will help with anxiety. (studies show it).  Hang in there.


 


 


 

cntrygal214
by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 1:36 PM

 Best of luck, be authentic and honest and I hope it all works out for you and your husband.

ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Mar. 27, 2013 at 3:12 PM

Its rough being a military wife. I'm not trying to be all "woe is me" about it, because every job and marriage comes with it's own set of problems, but this is one area I sympathize with because I understand. My husband came back from his first trip to Afghanistan not quite right. He's not all coo coo for cocoa puffs, but it changed him in ways that I don't think he's ever gotten over or dealt with. His second trip was just as bad. He has severe anxiety, but he won't get help for anything because he is afraid that it would affect his clearance. He deflects a lot of his issues on to me and says I have problems and things are my fault. Uh, no. That's all you babe.

I wish you much luck. This isn't any easy lifestyle in any regard. 

ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Mar. 27, 2013 at 3:13 PM

6 sessions is all the military will pay for and not even with a licensed therapist, it's with someone from the base. Insurance won't pay without a refferal. 

Quoting jsmom01:

6 sessions is not enough period.  Is this squadron Chaplain a licensed therapist.... that is bologna. Go see a LCPC/LPC, or LMFT, or if you want to see someone faith based,  look for  a Licensed clinician who is also a pastoral counselor.  Love Language books are good to read as a couple as well.  They are great.  You also need someone unbiased... a squadran chaplain  is likely biased. 

I would also reccommend for you exploring mindfulness based stress reduction.  will help with anxiety. (studies show it).  Hang in there.


ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Mar. 27, 2013 at 3:16 PM

I looked into it once. You have to do the 6 sessions and get a referral. Tricare wouldn't pay for it any other way. :(

And it has to be proven in those 6 sessions that one, or both of you, has problems greater than the therapist on base can deal with. Then it goes through mental health. Marriage counseling isn't considered a mental health issue, even though on some bases they use the same counselors.

Quoting pookie4907:

I know 6 sessions isn't enough, trust me. But it's where my husband wanted to start. If the chaplain doesn't refer us afterward, or if I don't like the way it's going, I'm going to talk to MFLAC and go from there.

Quoting CharlotteRose:

 


I agree 6 sessions is like a quick fix - can't fix anything in such a short of a time frame...it only causes unrealistic expectations....


Quoting jsmom01:


6 sessions is not enough period.  Is this squadron Chaplain a licensed therapist.... that is bologna. Go see a LCPC/LPC, or LMFT, or if you want to see someone faith based,  look for  a Licensed clinician who is also a pastoral counselor.  Love Language books are good to read as a couple as well.  They are great.  You also need someone unbiased... a squadran chaplain  is likely biased. 


I would also reccommend for you exploring mindfulness based stress reduction.  will help with anxiety. (studies show it).  Hang in there.






xoxRachelxox
by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 5:35 PM

Good luck. I hope it works for you guys. 

JJsmommy4evr
by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 9:01 PM
Best wishes:)
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jsmom01
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 11:24 AM

Call Tri-care, or whichever plan you participate in it may be tricare prime or USFHP.  The referral can come from your Primary Care Doctor.  (I know this for a fact).  Some of the miilitary plans give 8 unmanaged visits to any tri-care participating therapist.  Call the health plan directly and don't rely on hear-say at the  base (I'm not suggesting you are).  I'm telling you this because I know it to be true. Don't give up hope.  Your other avenue is this:  Go for yourself for your own "issues" whatever they may be, and tell them you need your spouse involved in the therapy.  There were recently changes in the Billing coding for Therapists effective January 1, 2013, and Individual therapy and interactive family therapy can be billed as the same code.  They changed them to be time based and not client based like before.  THis is my best brainstorming solution for you.

 When therapists are in school  they are trained not to put their own issues/hot buttons or  biased into sessions, that is why I worry that you may incur biased information at a base.   A therapist has to be a really good fit as well for the couple and the person.  Some are private pay, but worth the money.  a good resource is psychology today- therapist finder.  Also many therapists work on a sliding scale, and will not charge you a lot, they will work with you financially. 

I wish you the best of luck in finding a good fit.     And in your marriage.

BKozICan
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 2:07 PM

Good luck. It took us about six months to work through our issues. I hope you're just bad enough to get a referral. (Know what I mean? ;-)

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