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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

DH sleeps in separate room

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Hello! Looking for some advice, I recently had a baby almost a month ago. This is my second child. My DH didn't seem as interested in this pregnancy as my first although it was planned. We had a boy (our first is a girl). Recently my DH started sleeping on the couch which was odd. He said I was snoring ( I currently have a cold so I may have been) I should also mention our 2 yr old sleeps in the same bed as us. He has stated he likes that she sleeps in the same bed he adores her! He is a firefighter and works on several departments so he isn't home every night either. I promised I would not let our son sleep in the bed since it is a safety issue with our 2 yr old already in bed,so we have a co sleeper that is close by the bed. He has for over a week now chosen the couch over sleeping in bed with us. It really bothers me and it makes me feel even more distanced than I did before. It's already difficult connecting with him because he's not home most nights but he has slowly taken steps that makes us feel less like a married couple and more like roomates. For instance about a year after we got married he started doing his own laundry at work and he carries 2 mesh laundry bags between home and the fire station, 1 for clean clothes and 1 for dirty. He rarely uses his dresser other than for clothes he doesn't wear everyday. In turn i do laundry for me and the kids and he doesn't help in this area at all. He will cook when he's home and I mostly take care of the kids. I know I'm rambling I'm just trying to give as much detail as I can. Should I just prepare for the inevitable? We have only been married for 4 years but every year it seems we grow further apart. In the beginning of our marriage we fought a lot. We don't so much anymore so it's not like we are fighting right now. He also just mentioned today he was going to start sleeping in our daughters twin bed since she obviously doesn't use it. I didn't comment because I'm not sure why he left in the first place other than his excuse he gave me that I was snoring. It's pretty obvious this move to other sleeping arrangements is permanent. Any advice ladies?? Thanks in advance.
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by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 9:13 PM
Replies (21-30):
2m2t
by Member on Mar. 27, 2013 at 2:53 PM


You seem very insecure and disoriented in your relationship. Telling your husband what you want is not forcing him into something is communication. It is obvious that you both have a huge communication problem. To me it would be more bothering if my husband would be distancing himself "as a way to deal with the rejection" instead of franckly telling me what would the problem be. 

I do agree that sleeping in the same room/bed with two children might be overwhelming and... as much as I love and like my children, I need at least few hours of sleep by myself (my husband is an over the road truck driver so most of the time it's me and the kids at home) everynight...  so... may be you need to "visit" him on the couch...


why is he doing the laundry thing?

Quoting cmarie82:

I understand that it could be our daughter but he has NEVER complained. He has always said "i love having her in bed" it must be obvious that his choosing to sleep on the couch has been affecting my attitude because he has been repeatedly asking me what is wrong. I haven't told him that him sleeping on the couch upsets me. I feel that if he wants to be in bed he will. I don't want him to feel forced to be in bed with me. He's obviously happier there. I haven't been nasty or mad I guess I've just been distancing myself as a way to deal with the rejection. Part of me wonders if it is his way of getting a solid nights sleep and not being interrupted when our son wakes up in the middle of the night? I don't know either way I don't feel good about it. He goes to counseling tomorrow (he has been diagnosed with depression). I guess I will wait and see what the counselor says. If it is the kids I wish he was just honest and tell me the truth. Our daughter is an extremely difficult sleeper. It's also hard cause when he isn't home I want my kids close to me so I know everything is ok. I have a lot of anxiety when he is gone overnight and being home alone.



Mrs.Velasquez
by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 3:23 PM
I'm sorry Hun. We didn't really cosleep, but dd1 was in our bed very often. However, my husband never slept anywhere else. This also went on for two years. It was never a problem for us though. We'd move her once she was a sleep.
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xoxRachelxox
by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 4:31 PM

My advice would be to move those kids into their room. 

Get your bed back. Maybe things will change. 

You should sit down and ask him what's going on. Tell him you can't work on something when you don't know what it is that's bothering him. 

Bigmetalchicken
by Bronze Member on Mar. 27, 2013 at 4:42 PM

Two things. 1) I think he is missing having his wife be just his wife, which is totally normal. and 2) it sounds like he may be thinking the bedroom is getting a little too crowded.  Which I understand. When our new one was first born, we had some issues that cause our four year old to come in our bedroom as well, and I moved to the 4 year olds room, because that was just too many people sleeping in one area for my comfort.  

Can you schedule a date for just you and him? Maybe a lunch date? 

sweetnspacey
by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 5:01 PM

Honestly hun, I would be moving my daughter to her own room and moving my husband back in. He might not even really be thinking that but It would help your marriage if you did. Tell him you'd like to sleep with him again, that you miss sleeping with him. Start rubbing his back before he falls asleep. IDK do something that makes him appreciate you and appreciate sleeping next to you again.


Quoting cmarie82:

I understand that it could be our daughter but he has NEVER complained. He has always said "i love having her in bed" it must be obvious that his choosing to sleep on the couch has been affecting my attitude because he has been repeatedly asking me what is wrong. I haven't told him that him sleeping on the couch upsets me. I feel that if he wants to be in bed he will. I don't want him to feel forced to be in bed with me. He's obviously happier there. I haven't been nasty or mad I guess I've just been distancing myself as a way to deal with the rejection. Part of me wonders if it is his way of getting a solid nights sleep and not being interrupted when our son wakes up in the middle of the night? I don't know either way I don't feel good about it. He goes to counseling tomorrow (he has been diagnosed with depression). I guess I will wait and see what the counselor says. If it is the kids I wish he was just honest and tell me the truth. Our daughter is an extremely difficult sleeper. It's also hard cause when he isn't home I want my kids close to me so I know everything is ok. I have a lot of anxiety when he is gone overnight and being home alone.



98765
by Silver Member on Mar. 27, 2013 at 5:40 PM

If you were already gorwing apart, why would you let the kids sleep in your marriage bed that is meant for the 2 of you?

My advice? Get the kids out and get your husband back!

cmarie82
by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 7:18 PM
Hi again! I guess I have personally felt us growing apart. He is probably not aware that I feel this way but as he started working more after our first was born (again he said it was so he could provide for her so she would never have to go without like he did) he started doing this separately more and more. It started out with groceries i would go get groceries and ask him if he needed anything and he would go grocery shopping for just himself before work. He has a reusable grocery bag that he totes back and forth when he's home. Then it progressed with the laundry where he does his own laundry at work and lives out of mesh bags. When he's home he has bags everywhere it just feels like he's visiting. I have asked him why he does this, He says he does these things so its less I have to do (laundry, groceries) if this is true I get it. I work full time and we now have 2 kids. I just feel like things have changed so much that the only thing we truly do have together is the kids. We tried the date night thing for a couple of months and for some reason it stopped? I think maybe he picked up extra hours at work? I will admit he works alot. He knows he works alot. He gets very insecure if our savings account drops below a certain amount (we have a fairly healthy savings account) I have mentioned his insecurity about money and being afraid that he won't be able to provide he is aware that it stems from his childhood. I am aware that there are alot of issues here. It's not just the fact that he up and moved on the couch one day. This has been a progressive thing. It's kind of hard to stay connected when he's not here...... Thanks again for all of the help!!
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jesuschild06
by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 9:06 PM
1 mom liked this

I have read through all the comments. I think its great youhave decided to move DD to her own room. And pointing out that the month off may have made him think about it more. I am also thinking, that he may have been perfectly fine with your DD in bed, and then when the second baby came along he started having a fear the bed would never be yours (a couples bed) again. 

With him doing things on his own, I would seriously talk to him. You said you never really have. Its time you do. Marriage doesnt work without 150% communication, and if just one is lacking it, the other stops talking as well. Its time to correct that. I would reccommend getting "the love dare" and doing it. Even if its just you and he doesnt. It teaches youhow to express your love in every way, and if you are doing that, the other begins picking up on it as well.

You may even need couples therapy, since this has been going on for so long. 

But you first and second steps are getting DD to her own room, and expressing your feelings about him sleeping on thecouch to HIM. And deeply expressing them. Not just asking why he does it and then let it end after he responds.


Quoting cmarie82:

Hi again! I guess I have personally felt us growing apart. He is probably not aware that I feel this way but as he started working more after our first was born (again he said it was so he could provide for her so she would never have to go without like he did) he started doing this separately more and more. It started out with groceries i would go get groceries and ask him if he needed anything and he would go grocery shopping for just himself before work. He has a reusable grocery bag that he totes back and forth when he's home. Then it progressed with the laundry where he does his own laundry at work and lives out of mesh bags. When he's home he has bags everywhere it just feels like he's visiting. I have asked him why he does this, He says he does these things so its less I have to do (laundry, groceries) if this is true I get it. I work full time and we now have 2 kids. I just feel like things have changed so much that the only thing we truly do have together is the kids. We tried the date night thing for a couple of months and for some reason it stopped? I think maybe he picked up extra hours at work? I will admit he works alot. He knows he works alot. He gets very insecure if our savings account drops below a certain amount (we have a fairly healthy savings account) I have mentioned his insecurity about money and being afraid that he won't be able to provide he is aware that it stems from his childhood. I am aware that there are alot of issues here. It's not just the fact that he up and moved on the couch one day. This has been a progressive thing. It's kind of hard to stay connected when he's not here...... Thanks again for all of the help!!



oliver92
by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 10:15 PM

I doubt it has anything to do with you or kids in bed, it sounds like he is using stupid things as an excuse.  I couldnt stand to be in our bed nursing, so i basically slept on couch, dh would have tv going or radio or lights on, even snoring, there was no peace basically.  now we all sleep in bed no issues and our son is 3, he dosent always sleep in there, but mostly migrates back no matter what. :) I would say you need to do some serious talking, I mean even taking his personal items out of the house, thats pretty serious.  There is a distance there and he is enlarging that distance. Counseling will probably help bring you to an end or closer together.

Due9
by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 11:50 PM

It's hard to sleep soundly with babies in the same room. It makes it harder for a person that NEEDS a good night sleep because they have to work and need to be alert and rested. I don't think he's cheating.

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