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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

DH sleeps in separate room

Posted by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 9:13 PM
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Hello! Looking for some advice, I recently had a baby almost a month ago. This is my second child. My DH didn't seem as interested in this pregnancy as my first although it was planned. We had a boy (our first is a girl). Recently my DH started sleeping on the couch which was odd. He said I was snoring ( I currently have a cold so I may have been) I should also mention our 2 yr old sleeps in the same bed as us. He has stated he likes that she sleeps in the same bed he adores her! He is a firefighter and works on several departments so he isn't home every night either. I promised I would not let our son sleep in the bed since it is a safety issue with our 2 yr old already in bed,so we have a co sleeper that is close by the bed. He has for over a week now chosen the couch over sleeping in bed with us. It really bothers me and it makes me feel even more distanced than I did before. It's already difficult connecting with him because he's not home most nights but he has slowly taken steps that makes us feel less like a married couple and more like roomates. For instance about a year after we got married he started doing his own laundry at work and he carries 2 mesh laundry bags between home and the fire station, 1 for clean clothes and 1 for dirty. He rarely uses his dresser other than for clothes he doesn't wear everyday. In turn i do laundry for me and the kids and he doesn't help in this area at all. He will cook when he's home and I mostly take care of the kids. I know I'm rambling I'm just trying to give as much detail as I can. Should I just prepare for the inevitable? We have only been married for 4 years but every year it seems we grow further apart. In the beginning of our marriage we fought a lot. We don't so much anymore so it's not like we are fighting right now. He also just mentioned today he was going to start sleeping in our daughters twin bed since she obviously doesn't use it. I didn't comment because I'm not sure why he left in the first place other than his excuse he gave me that I was snoring. It's pretty obvious this move to other sleeping arrangements is permanent. Any advice ladies?? Thanks in advance.
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by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 9:13 PM
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Replies (1-10):
ICUTROLLIN
by Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 9:18 PM
Sounds like he can't sleep with all the kids in the room, my dh is a light sleeper and can't sleep when our dd is in bed with me either, so he sleeps in the guest room. I sneak in there when our dd falls asleep sometimes, lol.
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Zazayam
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 9:20 PM
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I would talk to him, and offer to start moving the kids to their own room if that's the issue. Maybe you two just need a little YOU space?

aimesnyc
by Amy on Mar. 26, 2013 at 9:25 PM
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My guess is that the sleeping arrangement with the kids is bothering him.  He may have been ok with it at first, but it can wear on a person and a relationship, I would imagine.  He probably wants to have room in his own bed, with his wife.  The comment about the twin bed sounds passive aggressive.  You need to talk to him about it.  If that is the issue, moving your two year old to her own bed and room will not be the end of the world.  It will probably help your relationship.  And keep your son in the co-sleeper until you are done breastfeeding (which I am assuming is why you co-sleep in the first place).

chrissydan
by Bronze Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 9:28 PM
How many meb find it sexy to share a bed with a 2 year old? Id say you want it to work you have to see what his needs are to.
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Krysden
by Platinum Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 9:31 PM
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The comment he made about it not being like she's going to use it anyway kind of makes it sound like he'd like to have his wife back (in the close, intimate just the two of you kind of way) and isn't sure when that may happen.  I could be wrong but that's what pops into my head.  He's just may not know how to handle it well.  TALK TO HIM, let him know how you feel and why.   See what he has to say about it and go from there.

NDADanceMom
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 10:13 PM
It sounds like he wants out. The new baby is another tie to you and he likely resents that. He doesn't want to bond because its not what he wants. I suggest couples therapy and he must be in bed with you. If he says no he can sleep at the firehouse where the men don't snore. (Yeah right)
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notjstasocermom
by Silver Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 11:21 PM

souns lke the kds need to sleep in their own beds.

cmarie82
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 11:50 PM
I understand that it could be our daughter but he has NEVER complained. He has always said "i love having her in bed" it must be obvious that his choosing to sleep on the couch has been affecting my attitude because he has been repeatedly asking me what is wrong. I haven't told him that him sleeping on the couch upsets me. I feel that if he wants to be in bed he will. I don't want him to feel forced to be in bed with me. He's obviously happier there. I haven't been nasty or mad I guess I've just been distancing myself as a way to deal with the rejection. Part of me wonders if it is his way of getting a solid nights sleep and not being interrupted when our son wakes up in the middle of the night? I don't know either way I don't feel good about it. He goes to counseling tomorrow (he has been diagnosed with depression). I guess I will wait and see what the counselor says. If it is the kids I wish he was just honest and tell me the truth. Our daughter is an extremely difficult sleeper. It's also hard cause when he isn't home I want my kids close to me so I know everything is ok. I have a lot of anxiety when he is gone overnight and being home alone.
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alexareh
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 11:59 PM
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I agree with all of the above, also I find it a little weird you have the newborn off to the side and the 2 year old in the bed. Shouldnt your newborn get the same oportunity your 2 year old did as far as co sleeping goes. 2 years sharing the marital bed is a long time maybe its subconciously affecting your marriage as far as the bond between YOU and your husband. Also you dont want him resenting the kids later as far as not having his wife to himself at times.

Armywifeholcomb
by Bronze Member on Mar. 27, 2013 at 8:46 AM
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Get the kids out of your bed!
2 y/o needs her own bed. I understand wanting to be close but honestly it's time to move her. My DD was about 3, but it was just the two of us, and it was hard to get her to by that time. DS is 2 and the *only* times he sleeps with us is if he doesn't feel good. It's so much easier.
First couple months his crib was in our room and he occasionally slept with me.(DH was deployed and came home at 2 months, I had had a c-section too) but once he got home, by the next month, DS was in another room.
It's much better Not getting beat up by a LO while trying to sleep!
I agree with PP, his quip about "her not using it", sounds like he's ready to have his bed kidless. And if I were you, I'd seriously consider putting the baby in another room too.
I've done both, it's so much easier to just let them snuggle every once in awhile than to later force them to their own bed.
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