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DH sleeps in separate room

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Hello! Looking for some advice, I recently had a baby almost a month ago. This is my second child. My DH didn't seem as interested in this pregnancy as my first although it was planned. We had a boy (our first is a girl). Recently my DH started sleeping on the couch which was odd. He said I was snoring ( I currently have a cold so I may have been) I should also mention our 2 yr old sleeps in the same bed as us. He has stated he likes that she sleeps in the same bed he adores her! He is a firefighter and works on several departments so he isn't home every night either. I promised I would not let our son sleep in the bed since it is a safety issue with our 2 yr old already in bed,so we have a co sleeper that is close by the bed. He has for over a week now chosen the couch over sleeping in bed with us. It really bothers me and it makes me feel even more distanced than I did before. It's already difficult connecting with him because he's not home most nights but he has slowly taken steps that makes us feel less like a married couple and more like roomates. For instance about a year after we got married he started doing his own laundry at work and he carries 2 mesh laundry bags between home and the fire station, 1 for clean clothes and 1 for dirty. He rarely uses his dresser other than for clothes he doesn't wear everyday. In turn i do laundry for me and the kids and he doesn't help in this area at all. He will cook when he's home and I mostly take care of the kids. I know I'm rambling I'm just trying to give as much detail as I can. Should I just prepare for the inevitable? We have only been married for 4 years but every year it seems we grow further apart. In the beginning of our marriage we fought a lot. We don't so much anymore so it's not like we are fighting right now. He also just mentioned today he was going to start sleeping in our daughters twin bed since she obviously doesn't use it. I didn't comment because I'm not sure why he left in the first place other than his excuse he gave me that I was snoring. It's pretty obvious this move to other sleeping arrangements is permanent. Any advice ladies?? Thanks in advance.
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by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 9:13 PM
Replies (11-20):
by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 9:01 AM

That's a lot of people sleeping in the same bed/room. Once my kids were sleeping pretty soundly though the night (around 6 months), they were moved into their own rooms. DH and I need time alone and having a baby in the room doesn't make that very easy. You also need to get your 2 year old out of your bed. She needs to sleep in her own room, and your husband deserves to be able to sleep comfortably in his own bed.

Then, I'd suggest therapy. You guys aren't communicating, and you need to be. Therapy will help.

by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 11:24 AM

get the kids out of your bed and room. my husband doesnt want to sleep with kids in the bed when he comes home after being out for 4 or 5 days a week. we have 2 as well and they have been in their own room since my youngest was 4 months old. and by 2 he needs to get used to sleeping by himself. your husband may want to feel you up at night and cant when there is a baby. and he'll be back in your marital bed, not a community bed.

by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 11:47 AM
I think you should put your two year back in their own bed and have your hubs by your side!
by Casey on Mar. 27, 2013 at 12:01 PM

My husband and I can't sleep together. Well, he can, I can't. He thrashes around, he steals blankets, he talks in his sleep...etc, etc, etc. I am an incredibly light sleeper. I wake up in the middle of the night if the power goes out, the noise of everything shutting off wakes me up. 

IMO it's a huge mistake to have your 2 year old in your bed. HUGE. Thats probably why he's skedaddling to the other room. It's no longer your marriage bed, it's a family bed. There is a huge difference there. 

by Casey on Mar. 27, 2013 at 12:03 PM
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It sounds like you don't have them in the room for THEM, you have them in the room for YOU. You need help with your anxiety as well as he needs help with his depression. 

Quoting cmarie82:

I understand that it could be our daughter but he has NEVER complained. He has always said "i love having her in bed" it must be obvious that his choosing to sleep on the couch has been affecting my attitude because he has been repeatedly asking me what is wrong. I haven't told him that him sleeping on the couch upsets me. I feel that if he wants to be in bed he will. I don't want him to feel forced to be in bed with me. He's obviously happier there. I haven't been nasty or mad I guess I've just been distancing myself as a way to deal with the rejection. Part of me wonders if it is his way of getting a solid nights sleep and not being interrupted when our son wakes up in the middle of the night? I don't know either way I don't feel good about it. He goes to counseling tomorrow (he has been diagnosed with depression). I guess I will wait and see what the counselor says. If it is the kids I wish he was just honest and tell me the truth. Our daughter is an extremely difficult sleeper. It's also hard cause when he isn't home I want my kids close to me so I know everything is ok. I have a lot of anxiety when he is gone overnight and being home alone.

by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 1:28 PM
I can completely see where the idea of co-sleeping is great to him, but he also misses his wife. I would suggest talking to him and letting him know that closeness and intimacy are important to you even though you are cosleeping. Maybe you two can come up with ideas together to regain some closeness. Sneaking into the twin bed with him after the kids are settled like someone suggested can work. Transitioning the 2 year old can work too, but there is a lot more to that decision. But even if you're not quite ready to move her, talking to him about a time frame for doing it can help. See what his ideas are and I'm sure you two can figure out a way to be close, even if you aren't sharing the bed every night.
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by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 1:36 PM
Thank you sooo much to everyone for your feedback! To reply to some of the comments I was on an anxiety med for my issues of being alone at night. It is a serious issue. I couldn't take the med during pregnancy and I'm currently breastfeeding and still cannot take it. I have an appt tomorrow with the doctor to see if there are any other options. It was never my intention to have a family bed. It started off with me breastfeeding and just keeping her there for convenience and so I could get some sleep. It just kind of stayed that way...... I am being more careful with our son, to reply to another comment why the newborn doesn't get the same co sleeping opportunity is because I don't want him to become dependent on sleeping in our bed like our daughter has. He is a couple of feet away from the bed so I can easily get to him and Breastfeed at night. I am going to work very hard on getting our 2 year old out of our bed I PROMISE :) my only other concern with his job is that he is gone a lot! For example this last month (February) he was only home 8 nights out of the month. April I have counted he will be home 12 nights out of the month. He works full time on one department and signs up for additional time on other departments. He grew up very poor and has expressed a lot of concern with needing to work alot so our kids don't have to go without like he did, it really affected him and I believe still does in his adult life.. I work full time as well and make about as much as he does at his full time job alone. Needless to say we are fortunate to not live paycheck to paycheck. He took a month off for me while I am on maternity leave which is why I think our 2 yr old in bed has suddenly become an issue for him..... He is hardly home at other times to notice it as much and being off a whole month has brought this to a head. Thank you again for all of your advice. This is an amazing website and I wish I would've turned to this sooner :) thanks again!!
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by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 1:46 PM

I know everyone's already said it, but definitely try to get the kids into their own rooms/beds... if DH still doesn't return after that, then I'd be concerned.

by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 2:34 PM

 Something that wasn't brought up was the you two are growing apart each year of your marriage.  Are you and him focusing all your energies on the kids and less on each other?  You two sound like you need a kidless date night.  Even if it's one night a month.  Find each other again and remember why you fell in love in the first place.  Also it sounds like he's passive aggressive about wanting your DD out of your bed.  He's not going to start a fight.  The longer it takes to get her out, the harder it's going to be to aclimate her to her own bed.  Let it be a surprise for him to come home to the couple's bed, not the community bed.  Good luck and a trick I used to get mine to sleep in his own bed (3 1/2 yr old) was to put in bed, read a story, and turn out the light and told him that I will sit by the door in his room, then after a few days I moved to the hallway outside the door until he aws comfortable with me being outside the room, then I told him I was going to take a bath (close to his door so we could hear each other) and then I was watching tv.... It took about 2 weeks to finally get him comfortable as he had never slept alone in his life.

Dana      you rock

by Bronze Member on Mar. 27, 2013 at 2:40 PM
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First and foremost you two are not communicating.  You need to talk to him.

Get the kids out of the room and the bed.  I understand co-sleeping and wanting them near, but to what detriment?  It seems like you are keeping the 2 year old in there for your sake.  At 2, she should've been moved to her own bed a while ago.

It also seems like you've focused on the kids and have lost focus on your marriage.  That's a huge problem and he probably doesn't want to say anything.  Being a parent and a spouse is tough because it's a juggling act.  You have to cultivate and work on your relationship all the time and give it equal time.  You two have to make an effort to communicate and make time for each other alone! 

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