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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

DH sleeps in separate room

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Hello! Looking for some advice, I recently had a baby almost a month ago. This is my second child. My DH didn't seem as interested in this pregnancy as my first although it was planned. We had a boy (our first is a girl). Recently my DH started sleeping on the couch which was odd. He said I was snoring ( I currently have a cold so I may have been) I should also mention our 2 yr old sleeps in the same bed as us. He has stated he likes that she sleeps in the same bed he adores her! He is a firefighter and works on several departments so he isn't home every night either. I promised I would not let our son sleep in the bed since it is a safety issue with our 2 yr old already in bed,so we have a co sleeper that is close by the bed. He has for over a week now chosen the couch over sleeping in bed with us. It really bothers me and it makes me feel even more distanced than I did before. It's already difficult connecting with him because he's not home most nights but he has slowly taken steps that makes us feel less like a married couple and more like roomates. For instance about a year after we got married he started doing his own laundry at work and he carries 2 mesh laundry bags between home and the fire station, 1 for clean clothes and 1 for dirty. He rarely uses his dresser other than for clothes he doesn't wear everyday. In turn i do laundry for me and the kids and he doesn't help in this area at all. He will cook when he's home and I mostly take care of the kids. I know I'm rambling I'm just trying to give as much detail as I can. Should I just prepare for the inevitable? We have only been married for 4 years but every year it seems we grow further apart. In the beginning of our marriage we fought a lot. We don't so much anymore so it's not like we are fighting right now. He also just mentioned today he was going to start sleeping in our daughters twin bed since she obviously doesn't use it. I didn't comment because I'm not sure why he left in the first place other than his excuse he gave me that I was snoring. It's pretty obvious this move to other sleeping arrangements is permanent. Any advice ladies?? Thanks in advance.
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by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 9:13 PM
Replies (31-40):
mrs.hartman12
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 1:01 PM
Sounds like you too need to have a long talk alone and decide what needs to change together. Plenty of families cosleep and still have very healthy sex lives, some couples sleep in separate rooms and have healthy happy relationships. It's not one size fits all. Also sounds like there are other issues you need to work out together. Good luck!
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Army-Wife0128
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 1:43 PM

I would sit down and talk to him. No matter how much your  DH might love his DD, i'm sure it's not comfortable sleeping with a 2yr old in bed. Not to mention,  you can't get intimate or cuddle when you're cosleeping. That is one thing i NEVER did with any of my kids because it takes away from being close and intimate with  DH. He might not tell you but i'm sure he wishes it was only you two in bed. Start putting your DD in her own bed and see if it changes things. Good luck!

BKozICan
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 2:02 PM

Funny, the laundry thing creeped me out more than the bed situation. Unless he thinks you are so overwhelmed that this is his only way to help, it is strange. I actually get the work clothes part, because they get smelly and sweaty every time they gear-up, but the social clothes should be in and out at home.


You sure there isn't another woman?

lilbit53009
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 2:05 PM

sounds like you need to do something to spice it up

this was the main reason i would never allow a child to co-sleep in my bed nightly. it might be ok for a while. but i'm sure between now having the 2 yo AND the baby next to the bed he feels no connection with you because they're coming in between it.

lifeforchrist
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 3:45 PM

putting a newborn in another room is a KNOWN cause to increase the risk for sids. That's stupid advice. 'here let the baby possibly die so we can cuddle' yeah that will save their marriage smh



Quoting Armywifeholcomb:

Get the kids out of your bed!
2 y/o needs her own bed. I understand wanting to be close but honestly it's time to move her. My DD was about 3, but it was just the two of us, and it was hard to get her to by that time. DS is 2 and the *only* times he sleeps with us is if he doesn't feel good. It's so much easier.
First couple months his crib was in our room and he occasionally slept with me.(DH was deployed and came home at 2 months, I had had a c-section too) but once he got home, by the next month, DS was in another room.
It's much better Not getting beat up by a LO while trying to sleep!
I agree with PP, his quip about "her not using it", sounds like he's ready to have his bed kidless. And if I were you, I'd seriously consider putting the baby in another room too.
I've done both, it's so much easier to just let them snuggle every once in awhile than to later force them to their own bed.


Serenity7
by Platinum Member on Mar. 28, 2013 at 3:47 PM

 You can talk to your husband about how you feel. You might want to let your 2 year old daughter sleep in her own bed

lifeforchrist
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 3:48 PM

all the women who seem to think you can't have sex unless it's in bed are retarded. most of the world share one room homes! And they manage to have sex, so why can't you be creative??? There are about a thousand places in a house I can think of that are good for sex. It's been 2 some years since i had sex in my bed. and *gasp* my marriage is fine.

Not to mention this woman is ONE MONTH postpartum. Let the freaking woman sleep. It sounds like they need to communicate not make anymore children.

Armywifeholcomb
by Bronze Member on Mar. 28, 2013 at 4:28 PM
Excuse me?
SIDS can happen even with the child right next to the parents.
It doesn't Have to be right away, DS did stay in our room for a little while, he just had his crib in there. And when he finally Did get his own room, I woke up Every little while and checked on him. Not to mention Breast fed him too.
Do you think that parents of multiples sleep in the same bed/room with their newborns EVERY night?! Yes, there were nights I brought him back to my bed to snuggle and sleep with us. But if its possible, get the baby to fall asleep in their own bed.
and really, there's Plenty of people that do put their kids in another room when they are newborn.
It's a matter of choice, everybody parents differently. But I've done both, the longer a child sleeps in your bed, the harder it is.
I'm just recommending NOT going for years with 2 kids in the bed.
And really, the marriage falling apart bc they can't have intimacy and a place to be that's theirs without kids invading sounds great in the long run...



Quoting lifeforchrist:

putting a newborn in another room is a KNOWN cause to increase the risk for sids. That's stupid advice. 'here let the baby possibly die so we can cuddle' yeah that will save their marriage smh



Quoting Armywifeholcomb:

Get the kids out of your bed!

2 y/o needs her own bed. I understand wanting to be close but honestly it's time to move her. My DD was about 3, but it was just the two of us, and it was hard to get her to by that time. DS is 2 and the *only* times he sleeps with us is if he doesn't feel good. It's so much easier.

First couple months his crib was in our room and he occasionally slept with me.(DH was deployed and came home at 2 months, I had had a c-section too) but once he got home, by the next month, DS was in another room.

It's much better Not getting beat up by a LO while trying to sleep!

I agree with PP, his quip about "her not using it", sounds like he's ready to have his bed kidless. And if I were you, I'd seriously consider putting the baby in another room too.

I've done both, it's so much easier to just let them snuggle every once in awhile than to later force them to their own bed.



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bmcandmmh
by Member on Mar. 28, 2013 at 4:36 PM
Could he possibly be cheating? I only say this because men start acting weird when they are up to no good. I would do some investigating if I were you.
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nussknacker
by Member on Mar. 28, 2013 at 4:53 PM

Does his own laundry and sleeps in another room? Boy am I ever jealous! What I would give to not have to sleep with my hubby.........but right now we dont have a "home" so im stuck...( he stinks so bad when he sweats, and he always sweats in bed) ...I just have had to change my hous around to minimize the time I am in bed....

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