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Fell out of love with my husband, in love with someone else.

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I've been with my husband for over 10 years, and married 8 in July.  Over the past 2 years, I've felt a disconnection with him.  Looking back, I don't believe I was ever in love with him and just settled.  Sex is about once a month, if anything, but even when we are intimate, I feel disgust, and I think he can tell, but doesn't say anything.  We have a semi open relationship, where he lets me have a girlfriend, or be with girls. We're both ok with this because they are girls, and he feels I will never leave him for another girl.  Those were his words exactly.  Anyways, I'm not really into girls as much as I need a man.  Long story short, I'm part of an online chat community and met a guy.  We talked as friends before, and he recently confessed his attraction towards me.  He said he would like to ask me out, but knows i'm married.  My reply was... ok, and?   It took him by surprise.  I talked to him how I've been unhappy with my husband, how he neglects me, how his friends come first, his band comes first, and how he's very selfish in many ways, and I feel more like his room mate than his actual wife.  We text and talk on the phone, and have met a few times.  This guy is WONDEFUL.  He's 12 years old than me, divorced, and such a gentleman.  He holds doors, lets me order first, treats me like a princess.  I've fallen in love with this guy, and I want to be with him.  Problem is, I'm scared to death on how to let my husband know that my love for him is non existent, what will happen to the kids, how will they react.  I'm just tired of feeling unwanted, not desireable, and this man gives me what I need.  help. :( 

by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 5:49 PM
Replies (41-50):
Bearsmomma925
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 11:14 AM
2 moms liked this

I'm surprised how rude some of the women are being to you about this when it is only human to go out looking for what we are missing in life. Im sorry you felt so lost in your relationship that you went looking else where. All I can tell you is to put yourself in your husbands shoes. The hooking up with women thing should have never been an option imagine if it were the other way around and your husband was like ok im going to hook up with dudes, you would probably flip out like most anyone in that position. Cheating is easy but marraige is hard and thats what makes it worth it. You need to cut ties with this other man and remember the vows you made. Talk to your husband about how your feeling. He could be feeling the same way. You need to give him a fighting chance and think of your children. I am sorry that you are going through this I can see both sides. But this will hurt you in the long run. The grass is never actually greener

Vilma1979
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 11:25 AM
Wow ..... How about this .... Don't do to some one what u don't want to do because karma is a bitch :-) no disrespect please
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Bertieb
by Member on Mar. 28, 2013 at 11:33 AM

This sounds like an episode of "Shameless". I'm worried about the kids, not the husband, he's already ok'd his wife sleeping with other women, does that not factor into all this as well as her cheating with a man?? What sort of marriage is there to save here? I don't see why an affair with a man is any worse than the ones with women, plus the kids are going to have stuff to deal with whether they stay married or not. I kind of actually feel sorry for the nice attentive guy the most!

jsmom01
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 11:53 AM

No matter what, be kind when delivering this information and only deliver it (the wanting a divorce piece, all other aspects you need to tell him and come clean) if you truly think you can't work through stuff with your husband.  Be thoughtful, and think that you wouldn't want to hear that your spouse has not loved you in years.  Be thoughtful and kind about how you deliver any information and deliver it in a way you would want it delivierd.  

Take some time and space to see if this is realy what you want (separation/divorce), If you want a divorce, make sure you are clear about it and not wishy washy.  If you are engaging in a relationship while figuring it out you are giving yourself no personal relfection time to really give anything a fair share.  What if he wants to go to counseling?  Also I'd caution you about exposing your kids to the new relationship, especially until a divorce is final.  It is a lot to put on kids who didn't ask for parental discord or separation.  Get some good books like dinosaur's divorce, and books on how to do it amicabally, and how to build a good co-parent relationship..  Either way your tied to your ex for life, you may as well have it be somewhat civil.  You have to think, if the shoes were on the other foot here,  how would you feel about your husband finding someone else the way you did.  What if he was the emotionally unfaithful one.

Hard stuff.  Best of luck, it will likely get worse before it gets better. 

Be truthful, and know its gonna get messy before it gets better.  Maybe he feels the same way.  Start reading anything you can about divorce and kids, and helping them through it and building a good relationshiop with your spouse in that process.

LilTymomma
by Member on Mar. 28, 2013 at 12:01 PM
1 mom liked this

I would probably fix my current relationship before moving on (or at least try). That is couples therapy and talking to your hubby and trying to reconnect. Men are not mind readers and they don't always know when you're unhappy with them and better yet why. 

Also, is there a possibility that maybe you're just having an emotional affair and deep inside you love your hubby. I mean 10 years is a long time should be taking in consideration and try to exhaust all aids to make your rel strongerbefore moving on.

Don't really know your situation but its just a general point of view. Good Luck!! Also,.. if you are really trying to move on it shouldn't be that easy for a man to go out with you, you better make him work hard for it. Anywho,..Good Luck!!

Love Always,

Angel

typing

ahleesha14
by Member on Mar. 28, 2013 at 1:10 PM

You need to find out what you want. Either you want your husband or you dont. You need to decide that and go from there.

SoKamele
by Member on Mar. 28, 2013 at 1:20 PM
1 mom liked this

ugh....Life isn't a romance novel.


Kimberlynn
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 1:50 PM
What do you know about your "online gentleman"? Why did he and his wife get divorced? What skeletons are hiding in his closet? Does he have kids? Baggage of his own? Why is he flirting and asking you out knowing you are married? Is he flirting/dating other women from there also? Does he know your falling in love with him and are seriously considering divorcing your DH and breaking up y'all's family to be with him? If you are in a miserable marriage, either fix it, separate for a while, or get a divorce. Internet Gentleman may have treated you like a princess a few times, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's your knight in shining armor! Think long and hard about what you want. Be careful. Good luck on whatever you decide!
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ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Mar. 28, 2013 at 3:22 PM
You're surprised? Are you new?

We aren't kind to liars and cheaters.


Quoting Bearsmomma925:

I'm surprised how rude some of the women are being to you about this when it is only human to go out looking for what we are missing in life. Im sorry you felt so lost in your relationship that you went looking else where. All I can tell you is to put yourself in your husbands shoes. The hooking up with women thing should have never been an option imagine if it were the other way around and your husband was like ok im going to hook up with dudes, you would probably flip out like most anyone in that position. Cheating is easy but marraige is hard and thats what makes it worth it. You need to cut ties with this other man and remember the vows you made. Talk to your husband about how your feeling. He could be feeling the same way. You need to give him a fighting chance and think of your children. I am sorry that you are going through this I can see both sides. But this will hurt you in the long run. The grass is never actually greener

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Bearsmomma925
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 9:58 PM
1 mom liked this
In case you forgot your not god so it's not your place to judge. Women dont come here to be beat up on they come for support. I guess your mother forgot to tell you if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. Hopefully you'll make a better example for your children.
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