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Fell out of love with my husband, in love with someone else.

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I've been with my husband for over 10 years, and married 8 in July.  Over the past 2 years, I've felt a disconnection with him.  Looking back, I don't believe I was ever in love with him and just settled.  Sex is about once a month, if anything, but even when we are intimate, I feel disgust, and I think he can tell, but doesn't say anything.  We have a semi open relationship, where he lets me have a girlfriend, or be with girls. We're both ok with this because they are girls, and he feels I will never leave him for another girl.  Those were his words exactly.  Anyways, I'm not really into girls as much as I need a man.  Long story short, I'm part of an online chat community and met a guy.  We talked as friends before, and he recently confessed his attraction towards me.  He said he would like to ask me out, but knows i'm married.  My reply was... ok, and?   It took him by surprise.  I talked to him how I've been unhappy with my husband, how he neglects me, how his friends come first, his band comes first, and how he's very selfish in many ways, and I feel more like his room mate than his actual wife.  We text and talk on the phone, and have met a few times.  This guy is WONDEFUL.  He's 12 years old than me, divorced, and such a gentleman.  He holds doors, lets me order first, treats me like a princess.  I've fallen in love with this guy, and I want to be with him.  Problem is, I'm scared to death on how to let my husband know that my love for him is non existent, what will happen to the kids, how will they react.  I'm just tired of feeling unwanted, not desireable, and this man gives me what I need.  help. :( 

by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 5:49 PM
Replies (61-70):
by Bronze Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 2:21 PM
If you're really unhappy tell him and leave. Just remember the grass isn't alway greener on the other side and this new guy is showing the honeymoon side of him. Think about it why did he get divorced etc. I think you should go to counseling with your husband but that ultimately your decision. Good luck.
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by on Mar. 29, 2013 at 2:34 PM

 I want you to know that I am not coming down on you in any way but I do want to give you some things to just think about.

  • You say that you don't think you were ever really in love with him.  Love is not an emotion that just happens.  It is something that you have to work at every day.  Sometimes it is good, often it is not.  In any case, you have to make a conscious effort to love your husband every day.
  • If you are fulfilling some sexual desire in any way without your husband, even it he is okay with it, that is leaving the sexual involvement between the two of you to the side.  It may not be something that either of you are really aware of but it does push your relationship aside.
  • If you are talking this much to this guy, you are leaving the doors open to an emotional affair.  Whether you feel the love for your husband right now or not, you should shut it off with this guy.  Disconnecting with this guy and actively working on things with your husband, will still take some time, but it is the only way to beging to repair the love relationship with your husband.
  • If you   do choose to leave your husband, what makes you think that the same thing won't happen to your relationship with him in a few years?


These are just some things to think about.

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by on Mar. 29, 2013 at 11:26 PM

you should go and watch that new movie temptaion that just came out in theater by tyler perry its a really good movie and sad go and watch it and you will understand why i said to...

by Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 11:30 PM

How long have you known the other guy for??? It's always like that in the beginning...the whole honeymoon stage....get to know him first....of course end things with your husband and talk to him. But I don't think it's such a bright idea to go into a relationship so fast when you just go out of one just because he makes you feel wanted and special.....

by Bronze Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 11:40 PM

You need to tell your husband, as soon as you can.  You shouldn't be with him,if you don't love him, and need to go behind his back to be with someone else. 

by on Mar. 30, 2013 at 1:42 AM
It happens. I settled and regretted my choice. Although my X requested a divorce and did wrong by me, I too fell in love with someone else. I'm not here to judge you. Think about your child and seek counseling as a family, especially if you plan to divorce. Don't let the other Man be your reason for divorce. YOU must be happy before you can be happy with someone else.

Quoting va11ey.gir1:

wow, excuse me?  i come here for support, not to be called names.

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by on Mar. 30, 2013 at 1:59 AM
Good luck....
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by on Mar. 30, 2013 at 2:17 AM

I'm not sure why you are saying that you still love him. You stated that you're not sure that you've ever loved him and that you feel disgust towards him during sex. 

I'm not bashing, I'm trying to point out that I'm not so sure you know how you feel. 
What is the root of these feelings? When did they begin? What made you join the chat community that introduced you to this new man?

The best thing you can do at this point is discuss it with your husband. Either with the intent to let him know that you're leaving or the intent to give him the opportunity to change things, however, I don't believe you can change someone. I would assume you want to leave since you describe him as selfish and never puts you first.

Whatever happens, I wish you luck. Remember to discuss it all delicately with your children, if the end result is an ended relationship.  

Quoting va11ey.gir1:

i didn't want to think it was an affair, since there hasn't been any physical contact apart from a hug... but emotional affair seems just as bad. :(  I still love my husband, but its the same kind of love i have for friends, i care, but not in love. 

by on Mar. 30, 2013 at 2:30 AM

Well you've told us your problem, what about your husband? Have you told him how you feel, and what you want? Of course when you go out with someone else its going to feel different because they got their "good shoes on" and want to make a good impression. But how would you feel if your husband was the one opening the door for another woman? Sneaking around wondering if he should tell you? Knock it off and work out your marriage with counseling first. If it doesn't work out, leave. But leave for yourself, not another person. In other words- Don't be a scank, be a woman that can Own Her Life and Be Proud.

by on Mar. 30, 2013 at 2:58 AM
You are not in love you are in lust. My dad said 'a new broom sweeps clean' which means that when new a broom gets all the dirt getting in the cornes and removing everything. This new guy, like your hubby was, is like a new toy. He is feeding your need, great in every way but not reality. You used your hubby, but he has all these flaws that you were willing to overlook as long as you get yours. Now you wang us to view your hubby as a jerk because you found a new chump. You need to be alone, take care of yourself and use the person that is responsible for you, YOU.
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