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Confused

Posted by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 7:41 PM
  • 16 Replies
I have been married for 4 and a half years. My marriage started out wonderful ( still is to some degree). My husband took my daughter under his wings and that's who she call "daddy". Shortly after we got married my husband lost his "good' job and it's been a downhill since then. We have been hanging on by a thread for a long time. I have resulted to selling our heirloom rings to make it through the month. I am now selling my car that I worked hard for. It seems as though my husband just can't seem to provide to his family. When I bring up my frustrations he makes me feel guilty. 1)He was sick for a good part last year 2)Had a hard time finding a job. I am at a point where I'm not sure I'd like to be with him. I love him to death but it's been like this now for four year. About 6 months ago I met a wonderful guy. We started out as friends and now he seems to show interest in me. He is someone I could see myself with. He is a neuro surgeon at a hospital and is well known in the neuro community. I am torn between my husband and this man. Part of me wants to believe it will get better between my husband and I, part of me is tired of living paycheck to paycheck (not even that) and having someone unreliable to depend on. :/
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 7:41 PM
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Replies (1-10):
villagemamma
by Bronze Member on Mar. 28, 2013 at 7:45 PM
3 moms liked this

Isnt marriage supposed to be about for better or worse?

Zazayam
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 7:47 PM
5 moms liked this

Wow, well I'm going to be honest. You sound like an ungreatful gold digger.

If your husband is sick and struggling and trying to provide for you and someone else's child then you should be thankful and supportive. Do you work?

You also sound like you're already cheating on your husband. You need to cut ties with one of them, which one is up to you.

AlannaMaria
by Alanna on Mar. 28, 2013 at 7:53 PM
1 mom liked this
I think the right thing to do is to cut ties with the other man, have a serious talk with your husband and be honest with him and tell him about this other man and tell him how you feel. You need to be honest and lay it all out there. Then go from there... Good luck!
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chillemi78
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 7:57 PM
I think if you leave your husband for someone else just because you think he will provide better for you, then you will end up very unhappy. I see two parts that need work. The first is serious looks at finances in your household. Are you both working together to do everything possible to make ends meet, or are you expecting him to provide a certain lifestyle that might just not be possible in this economy? And the second part is your actual happiness (or lack of) with him? Is it strictly the job that doesn't pay as well or are there other underlying issues? If there are, you need to identify them and work on them, because moving from one household to the other, including uprooting your daughter just because someone appears to have more money is just setting yourself up for failure. And yes, I said appears, because how well do you really know this man's finances? Or would you just leave him for the next guy with money if he lost his job too?
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balagan_imma
by Member on Mar. 28, 2013 at 8:01 PM

I think you need to walk away from the new person. Work on your marriage.

You are selling things to make ends meet. But what else are you doing? Are you working, or that only DH's responsibility.

You and DH need couples therapy. And you probably need some on your own.

If you decide to walk away from your marriage, then I would tell you to be on your own for a while. You need to work on you and not look for someone who is going to take care of you.

crzy4mc
by New Member on Mar. 28, 2013 at 8:03 PM
I do work 40 hours and not cheating. If wanting a better lifestyle classifies me as a gold digger then so be it.
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Mommabearbergh
by Bronze Member on Mar. 28, 2013 at 8:20 PM
Working on your marriage is what you should do. I have been there sort of I work forty hours a week overnights and the breadwinner . Dh been out of work since2011 but I said for better or worse sickness and health and life tests people. How would you feel of he did that to you. You would feel betrayed and you would be here calling him everything but his name. So think would u want it done to you
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preacherskid
by Member on Mar. 28, 2013 at 8:22 PM
2 moms liked this

My DH is permanently disabled.  I understand the strain you are experiencing.  I work full time and we still have to get government assistance to pay daycare, groceries, have health insurance on the girls, and pay all our bills.  I am working to get my degree and get a salaried position, but it is tough and stressful.  He has not worked in over four years, all our income has been mine.  It gets exhausting, and I can see how it might be tempting to leave it all behind for more stability.  I couldn't condone that sort of action, though.  If you were one of my friends and you had come to me with this, I would tell you that you made promises on your wedding day.  Promises to stay with this man through anything, and on that day you meant them.  I would tell you that so often the love in a marriage is a choice, not a happenstance.  It is a choice to put the needs of that person before your own needs or wants no matter what lousy crap comes your way.  I would tell you that it is your choice to stay or leave, but that choosing to leave may have an impact on so many different things, that you need to think this through very, very carefully.  I would tell you this because I tell myself this on a regular basis.  I wish my DH was just sick, that he would recover and be able to start looking for a paying job, any paying job, but he won't.  I have been asked why I don't leave him- I gave my word, and I was raised that if you don't have your integrity intact, you have very little of yourself left.  So I choose to stay with a man who will NEVER financially provide for his family, who will NEVER get up and do housework or care for our children, who will NEVER be the man he was when I married him.  Because I also choose to love him, and because I love him I could never break his heart or my dd's hearts by leaving him because he does not conform to society's idea of a capable man or husband.  

Sorry I rambled, I feel very strongly about this sort of thing :) 

MJP76
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 8:25 PM

So you'd leave the man you love because of having financial difficulty?

sounds kind of petty to me.

MomToovey
by Marianne on Mar. 28, 2013 at 10:41 PM

 For better or worse. For richer or poorer. Forsaking all others.

I don't think I need to say anything else.

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