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What does she want?!

Posted by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 10:13 PM
  • 15 Replies
Ok so my girlfriend's (I'm a lesbian not a man.) dad is very sick and in the hospital. I've never lost a parent so I don't know what she is going through. Her dad is the only parent she has left. Her mom passed away in 2010. But I've been there for her for everything so far. She has yelled at me and I don't take it personally. She has cried on my shoulder. And I've comforted her to the best of my ability. So tonight she was venting to me about how scared she is to lose her dad. I told her it would be ok. So she asked me how I know. And she told me to be honest and not lie. So I told her it would be ok because we are only given what we can handle. As shitty as it maybe God knows we can handle it. I also said it would be ok because she is strong and I'll always be here for her. Well she flipped out! Yelled at me and walked away and wont talk to me! I'm confused! What does she want?! I feel like crap that I don't know what she is going through. How do I help her?!
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by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 10:13 PM
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anotherandree
by Bronze Member on Mar. 28, 2013 at 10:21 PM
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When you said things would be okay, she might have heard her dad will be fine. What does she want? She has no idea. She doesn't want to be an orphan at a young age. Her emotions are all over the place and you being there have given her an opportunity to maliciously vent. What does she want? For you to not take it personally. To apologize even though you have no idea what you did wrong. She may very well lose her last parent and that is a terrifying place to be. You can, and should, tell her in a comforting way that you will continue to be there for her but you cannot be her punching bag.
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MomToovey
by Marianne on Mar. 28, 2013 at 11:05 PM
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 I couldn't have said it better myself.

Quoting anotherandree:

When you said things would be okay, she might have heard her dad will be fine. What does she want? She has no idea. She doesn't want to be an orphan at a young age. Her emotions are all over the place and you being there have given her an opportunity to maliciously vent. What does she want? For you to not take it personally. To apologize even though you have no idea what you did wrong. She may very well lose her last parent and that is a terrifying place to be. You can, and should, tell her in a comforting way that you will continue to be there for her but you cannot be her punching bag.

 



jmjdj
by Bronze Member on Mar. 28, 2013 at 11:17 PM
I agree with the first poster. Just be there for her. Sometimes silence is bliss. When my dad was dieing, my ex wasn't there for me and it sucked. I didn't really need him to say anything but it would've been nice to think he cared. That would have been enough at the time.
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jesuschild06
by Bronze Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 12:09 AM
I agree 100%. especially on apologizing even though you have no idea what you did (and you really didnt do anything wrong, but its something thats needed so she knows her feelings are still important to you.) I know when my dad passed away (I was 12 so definately younger than her, and still had my mom as well) I just wanted to hear people tell me that it was ok to be sad and cry and be scared. I didnt want to hear that they understood. I didnt want to hear that everything would be ok and that it would get easier. And for some reason I got really angry when people said "sorry for your loss" (though I know there are a lot of people who appreciate that). I wanted held. I wanted to be able to vent without hearing everyones advice and pitty. I didnt wantthem trying to make me feel better, I didnt want to feel better. I have no idea what its like to watch you dad died (my dad died in his sleep, at the time I had no idea anything was wrong), and everyone is different, so I have no idea if this is what your gf is looking for and not looking for. But thought I would share my experience.
Quoting anotherandree:

When you said things would be okay, she might have heard her dad will be fine. What does she want? She has no idea. She doesn't want to be an orphan at a young age. Her emotions are all over the place and you being there have given her an opportunity to maliciously vent. What does she want? For you to not take it personally. To apologize even though you have no idea what you did wrong. She may very well lose her last parent and that is a terrifying place to be. You can, and should, tell her in a comforting way that you will continue to be there for her but you cannot be her punching bag.

Zazayam
by on Mar. 29, 2013 at 12:42 AM

She doesn't know what she wants. Just be patient and be there for her through it.

I'm sorry, it is hard. :(

MagicTemptation
by Christina on Mar. 29, 2013 at 9:42 AM

It makes me angry when people make the comment "god only gives us what we can handle" too. I mean really? A friend of mine lost her 17th month old baby bc of a murder. I was abused as a child. That was god's will? To let a person be born with mental unstability? What about miscarriage? (My best friend lost a baby due to miscarriage last year, she was stunned by the amount of people who told her it was god's will, or that god wouldn't give her something she couldn't handle) If people say those things are god's will and a person commits suicide because they couldn't handle that they were abused, or lost a child, was that suicide god's will as well? I think this is why a lot of people fall from their faith.

The best thing you can do is just be there for her, sometimes words are not needed but compassion and empathy.

justpeachy71904
by Silver Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 11:20 AM
I'm so sorry. Wow. But here is the hard part, coming from someone who has lost a parent. She cannot continue to treat you that way. She cannot continue to speak to you that way. She is understandably upset but she can't yell and scream. And you need to tell her that.

I'm so sorry. Just tell her that you will support her however you need her to.
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lillybug222
by Silver Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 2:39 PM
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It's important to understand that human's have free will.

Of course it's not God's will for people to murder or be murdered, but humans murder anyway. Of course it's not God's will for children to be abused, but humans abuse each other anyway. Of course suicide isn't God's will, but we have free will, and often times people stray from God's will & do their will.

I have suffered a miscarriage. I believe it is absolutely natural & our body's way of ending a pregnancy that for some other reason would have had complications. Was it God's will? In this case, yes...he designed our body's in this way. I personally find it rather amazing even though it was one of the hardest losses I had to go through.

My uncle was shot and murdered. Was it God's will? No. It was another human's will as he robbed the motel my uncle ran for his in-laws.

There have been countless other tragedies my family has endured, but not once have I blamed God or faltered in my faith because bad things happened.

I think people have taken bible verses and created the cliche"God won't give you more than you can handle" ...

There are many versus this cliche could stem from...these verses, what they say, the promises God has made to us...these are what give me strength in hard times, not an overused cliche:

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in the lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

Phillipians 4:13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.


Psalm 71:14
As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.

Psalm 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.



Quoting MagicTemptation:

It makes me angry when people make the comment "god only gives us what we can handle" too. I mean really? A friend of mine lost her 17th month old baby bc of a murder. I was abused as a child. That was god's will? To let a person be born with mental unstability? What about miscarriage? (My best friend lost a baby due to miscarriage last year, she was stunned by the amount of people who told her it was god's will, or that god wouldn't give her something she couldn't handle) If people say those things are god's will and a person commits suicide because they couldn't handle that they were abused, or lost a child, was that suicide god's will as well? I think this is why a lot of people fall from their faith.

The best thing you can do is just be there for her, sometimes words are not needed but compassion and empathy.


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jmlmomma
by Bronze Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 4:32 PM

I agree with most... She doesn't know what she needs, so you can't really give it to her..just be there for her...Tell her your sorry for the whole God's not going to give her more then she can handle statement. I lost my only parent in 07...My mom! we were very close.  It has been so extremely hard and I'm 50! She may just need to hear you say that you know it's hard...Be there for her... 

mrs.hartman12
by Bronze Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 4:36 PM


Me too. I hate it when people bring God into it when your going through a hard situation. Maybe its comforting to some people but not to me. A long hug and silence goes a long way, 

Quoting MagicTemptation:

It makes me angry when people make the comment "god only gives us what we can handle" too. I mean really? A friend of mine lost her 17th month old baby bc of a murder. I was abused as a child. That was god's will? To let a person be born with mental unstability? What about miscarriage? (My best friend lost a baby due to miscarriage last year, she was stunned by the amount of people who told her it was god's will, or that god wouldn't give her something she couldn't handle) If people say those things are god's will and a person commits suicide because they couldn't handle that they were abused, or lost a child, was that suicide god's will as well? I think this is why a lot of people fall from their faith.

The best thing you can do is just be there for her, sometimes words are not needed but compassion and empathy.



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