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Is it possible to get over an emotional affair..?

Posted by on Mar. 31, 2013 at 10:18 AM
  • 13 Replies

Hey All,

  I'm new to cafemom, but am looking for some advice and guidance from you experienced ladies!  My husband and I have been married for almost three years now, and he was overseas for one of those years.  Shortly following his return home, we found out we were expecting!  What I wasn't expecting was the intense PPD, which affected him as well. 

When our girl was about 4 months old, my husband began to speak to girls at work outside of work (texting, FB email/IMing) and hide it from me.  When I saw the conversations on our phone bill, he would lie about it..then come clean, say he wouldn't do it again and then we would be okay for about a month.  Then it would happen again...He would get angry with me for being paranoid, controlling him etc.  I know he was stressed from the baby and working so much, but I was going through PPD and working full time, and parenting by myself a lot due to his job.  He would also work more so that he wouldn't be home with us as often, making my feelings of resentment so much worse.  He acted like I didn't contribute to the house financially..which is insane.

I would talk to him about how upset I was with our relationship when we would have our monthly "blow outs" and he wouldn't offer much more than I'm sorry, and I will do better.  We almost called it quits when he lied to me about going fishing with a female he works with.  We decided to see a counselor and work on things, and they have been better.  Until recently...  I discovered that he had been planning to leave me a year ago, when this whole thing started.  He had been saying things about me to his female co-worker that were untrue, and painted him a victim of unfair treatment.  His whole family knew.  His whole work was saying that he and this other woman were "together."  Now that we are rebuilding our relationship, the doubt is overwhelming when he tells me he is being honest.  I don't want to keep punishing him with my anger and resentment, but it seems relentless.  I also can't help but feel I am walking a tightrope of not pushing him into the arms of someone else by holding him accountable for what he put our child and myself through.

What I want to know is how to get over this feeling of betrayal, embarassment, shame of people knowing how awful he felt about me, and the fact that he would consider leaving our child...I am working on getting through these feelings, and he is going to counseling now.  I still have a hard time not thinking of this everyday, and I wonder if someone else has advice for navigating the murky waters of rebuilding trust, when it was shattered again and again.  Thanks!

by on Mar. 31, 2013 at 10:18 AM
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by on Mar. 31, 2013 at 12:41 PM

You are both going to counseling, and that's good. IF you can get past the trust issues that is really going to be the only way. You can't hold it against him that he thought about leaving a year ago because he stayed and worked it out. You HAVE to let that go or there is no moving forward. And take comfort that he didn't leave! It means several things, his emotional affair was not love, it was attention seeking, or he wouldn't be there. It also means you and your relationship always meant enough to him that he didn't take it further than talking.

In my personal experience, I was never able to rebuild the trust after it was broken that badly. Nor was anyone that I know personally. But those were physical affairs. But I have seen women post here on CM that they did, made it through and have happy, great marriages. It's up to you! As long as he doesn't break the trust, and you really, really want this and work for it then its possible. Give the past a break & move forward, you were both having an emotional & difficult time. You both handled it differently & his way was certainly wrong, but we ALL make mistakes, you included. If you keep looking back you'll never be able to move forward....

by on Mar. 31, 2013 at 1:23 PM

 Everyone is different. Some people can get over it. Some people can not. You need to ask yourself can you let it go. Life is short. You can not move forward if you keep looking back

by on Mar. 31, 2013 at 2:35 PM
I think the counseling is an excellent idea.
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by on May. 7, 2013 at 10:05 PM

My husband of 12 years had a two year emotional affair.  He says it was just emotiona but have my doubts.  We went to therapyand it held temporarily.  Each person has their own experience but to be honest I've never been able to regain trust.  I don't trust my husband and I don't think I ever will. The bond has been broken.  He never expressed remorse for being unfaithful and I honestly wish I'd left him.  His affair caused me to fall out of love with him.  I don't believe people really get over it.

by on May. 7, 2013 at 10:22 PM
I'd give it time and more counseling. Give him a chance to regain your trust. At some pt if that hasn't happened or he cheats again then it may be time to walk away. Big hugs.
by Member on May. 7, 2013 at 10:27 PM

Based on what you're saying....i highly doubt this was an emotional affair.  They had sex.  You need to do what's best for you and your child and only time will tell what that may be.

by on May. 7, 2013 at 10:32 PM

i'm sorry. It is very hard to get over an emotional affair and i know from experience.

Domestic violence is never easy
♥ Butterfly Hearts ♥

by on May. 8, 2013 at 1:20 AM

It is possible. It is hard and takes time but evenutally with time and the rebuilding or love and trust things will get better. It really hurts but if both parties are willing to move forward then it is definitely possible to get better. Im sorry your having to go through this. I really hope things get better soon for you.

by on May. 8, 2013 at 1:23 AM
1 mom liked this
I dont know if I could.. I guess it depends on how much you want save your relationship. But it can complicated.
by on May. 8, 2013 at 1:30 AM
I'm in the same situation right now. But i haven't fallen out of love with my husband. I dont love what he's done to me. I think about everything daily. Constantly worrying. I dont trust him. Dont believe him. If he calls me beautiful or sexy it means nothing. When he tells me he loves me in my head i always say 'no you don't' i dont know if i can ever get over it. But im trying. Ive made things better for myself in a way. I try to take things day by day! And dont bring up the past! For yourself! You can think it and of course you will but don't verbally bring it up. Unless you are in counseling. And my husband blames his emotional affairs on 'split personality disorder' i dont know but what he's said to me about very similar things is exactly what you said your husband uses for excuses. God help us both :(
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