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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

This is going to cause issues in my marriage

Posted by on Apr. 1, 2013 at 10:36 AM
  • 16 Replies

 So if you are a frequent reader of this forum than you know I'm not a crap taker. I'm a strong woman who is rather feministic. My in-laws kill me. My FIL is pretty much an abusive ass. He always has been from what little I have learned. My DH doesn't like to talk about his childhood so I know almost nothing about how he grew up. Most of it comes from my SIL who as the sainted youngest child and only girl was treated rather well from what I gathered. My FIL's abuse is mostly verbal and emotional but there were things said to make me think it used to be physical as well.

I'll try to make this short. We go over for family dinner every single Sunday night. I am treated rather well over there as I'm not one to tolerate not being treated well. FIL has tried to make "rules" for how I can parent, aka no discipline while the kids are in their home. I ignore it. My DS has the same standards everywhere he is and if my FIL doesn't like it he can......*cough*. Nothing is ever said to me. My SIL is the only other one with kids. They're pretty awful kids honestly. When they attend dinner my FIL does yell at my SIL for being "mean" to her DS in particular. Personally I think that kid could use some therapy but that's another story.

I've never been fond of Sunday dinner but it's important to my DH so I go and make the best of it. It is officially becoming intolerable. My FIL seems to have lost all sense of decency. The way he treats my MIL. I cringe. I want to get up and stab him with my fork actually. He's degrading the entire time we are there. Yells at her. Has her hopping up from the table every 2 seconds to fetch something. Degrades the cooking. Just all around completely abusive to my MIL. My MIL is completely defeated. I'd consider her to have had her soul sucked out a long time ago. She's there but not there you know. It's awful.

So Easter, he's being worse than usual and my SIL's kid actually asked him why he hated grandma. He told him it's because, "She's mean." Now I'm one angry pregnant woman and I was having a huge problem showing restraint. I had to get up from the table and lock myself in the bathroom for a bit.

So this is where it's going to cause problems. If he's going to be an such an asshole that even SIL's satans spawn has picked up on it I'm NOT taking myself and my kids over there for dinner anymore. My DH is not going to understand my reasoning as he's used to it and when I ask him after dinner what he thought he usually hasn't even noticed. They do keep the TV on throughout dinner and most people watch TV. So DH doesn't noticed but I do and though DS is 2 I'm sure he will eventually. What to do?

by on Apr. 1, 2013 at 10:36 AM
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Replies (1-10):
OliviaW.
by on Apr. 1, 2013 at 10:44 AM
2 moms liked this
I wouldn't go over there and neither would the kids. If dh says something I'd come right out and say, you might not have noticed the way your dad treats your mom but I have and I'm having a hard time ignoring it and keeping my mouth shut. So to keep the peace we're going to take a break from going.
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jenmomx3
by Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 11:13 AM
1 mom liked this

 I don't understand why its so important for him to be there every week if his childhood was so abusive.  Why would he want to be there every Sunday?? Also, if this is something that makes you uncomfortable he should be willing to compromise with  you and maybe go once a month or something instead of every sunday.

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 11:25 AM

I don't think he goes for them. I'm pretty sure he likes going over because they have TV (we don't) and cook traditional Mexican meals just the way he likes them. For instance they're a family that still likes their meat bleeding and I want mine cooked to death. So he watches TV and eats and doesn't talk to anyone.

I do not let these people babysit so it's the only time they see our DS as well. If I choose to stay home my DH insists on taking DS.

Quoting jenmomx3:

 I don't understand why its so important for him to be there every week if his childhood was so abusive.  Why would he want to be there every Sunday?? Also, if this is something that makes you uncomfortable he should be willing to compromise with  you and maybe go once a month or something instead of every sunday.

 

jenmomx3
by Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 11:28 AM

 I guess thats really where I get lost...why is it so important to bring DS around people that abused you??  And I don't know how a grown man will let someone treat his mother badly....he should be standing up for her imo.....and just a question...not trying to offend...but why don't you cook his meat the way he likes it and just cook  yours longer....or learn how to make the food that he likes....and invest in netflix....then maybe he will have more incentive to stay home rather than going there.

Quoting furbabymum:

I don't think he goes for them. I'm pretty sure he likes going over because they have TV (we don't) and cook traditional Mexican meals just the way he likes them. For instance they're a family that still likes their meat bleeding and I want mine cooked to death. So he watches TV and eats and doesn't talk to anyone.

I do not let these people babysit so it's the only time they see our DS as well. If I choose to stay home my DH insists on taking DS.

Quoting jenmomx3:

 I don't understand why its so important for him to be there every week if his childhood was so abusive.  Why would he want to be there every Sunday?? Also, if this is something that makes you uncomfortable he should be willing to compromise with  you and maybe go once a month or something instead of every sunday.

 

 

MamaMoopsie
by Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 11:33 AM

Stick to your guns. You don't need that negative energy around your son. If no one else will stand up and tell this man he's and SOB the least you can do is stop participating.

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 11:38 AM

 We have Netflix. Netflix doesn't have everything.

He doesn't notice. He doesn't notice because he's not paying attention to anyone but the TV and his plate. I asked him what he thought of his dad's behavior on Easter and he asked me what I was talking about.

I'm not fond of how his parents cook. I try to make his meat rarer than mine but I cook how I cook and if he doesn't like it he can cook his own bloody food.

I'm not going to argue the dysfunction here. I mean there is so much more. His 35 year old, unemployed, pedophile brother lives in his parents basement (the main reason I don't let them babysit). I've had to have talks with these people about not bullying my 2 year old. They're dysfunctional. My DH geos to therapy and he's working through stuff but we can't change his family and in the end they are still his family. Our marriage counselor has told me that repeatedly. I can't change them, just how I react. I'm supposed to get up and leave when I can't take the crazy anymore. His dad was never the kind of guy I could look up to but his behavior toward my MIL has been going downhill fast lately. Easter was just the straw that broke this camels back.

Quoting jenmomx3:

 I guess thats really where I get lost...why is it so important to bring DS around people that abused you??  And I don't know how a grown man will let someone treat his mother badly....he should be standing up for her imo.....and just a question...not trying to offend...but why don't you cook his meat the way he likes it and just cook  yours longer....or learn how to make the food that he likes....and invest in netflix....then maybe he will have more incentive to stay home rather than going there.

Quoting furbabymum:

I don't think he goes for them. I'm pretty sure he likes going over because they have TV (we don't) and cook traditional Mexican meals just the way he likes them. For instance they're a family that still likes their meat bleeding and I want mine cooked to death. So he watches TV and eats and doesn't talk to anyone.

I do not let these people babysit so it's the only time they see our DS as well. If I choose to stay home my DH insists on taking DS.

Quoting jenmomx3:

 I don't understand why its so important for him to be there every week if his childhood was so abusive.  Why would he want to be there every Sunday?? Also, if this is something that makes you uncomfortable he should be willing to compromise with  you and maybe go once a month or something instead of every sunday.

 

 

 

jenmomx3
by Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 11:40 AM

 Gotcha...so do you think he will be willing to go over there less if you ask him?

Quoting furbabymum:

 We have Netflix. Netflix doesn't have everything.

He doesn't notice. He doesn't notice because he's not paying attention to anyone but the TV and his plate. I asked him what he thought of his dad's behavior on Easter and he asked me what I was talking about.

I'm not fond of how his parents cook. I try to make his meat rarer than mine but I cook how I cook and if he doesn't like it he can cook his own bloody food.

I'm not going to argue the dysfunction here. I mean there is so much more. His 35 year old, unemployed, pedophile brother lives in his parents basement (the main reason I don't let them babysit). I've had to have talks with these people about not bullying my 2 year old. They're dysfunctional. My DH geos to therapy and he's working through stuff but we can't change his family and in the end they are still his family. Our marriage counselor has told me that repeatedly. I can't change them, just how I react. I'm supposed to get up and leave when I can't take the crazy anymore. His dad was never the kind of guy I could look up to but his behavior toward my MIL has been going downhill fast lately. Easter was just the straw that broke this camels back.

Quoting jenmomx3:

 I guess thats really where I get lost...why is it so important to bring DS around people that abused you??  And I don't know how a grown man will let someone treat his mother badly....he should be standing up for her imo.....and just a question...not trying to offend...but why don't you cook his meat the way he likes it and just cook  yours longer....or learn how to make the food that he likes....and invest in netflix....then maybe he will have more incentive to stay home rather than going there.

Quoting furbabymum:

I don't think he goes for them. I'm pretty sure he likes going over because they have TV (we don't) and cook traditional Mexican meals just the way he likes them. For instance they're a family that still likes their meat bleeding and I want mine cooked to death. So he watches TV and eats and doesn't talk to anyone.

I do not let these people babysit so it's the only time they see our DS as well. If I choose to stay home my DH insists on taking DS.

Quoting jenmomx3:

 I don't understand why its so important for him to be there every week if his childhood was so abusive.  Why would he want to be there every Sunday?? Also, if this is something that makes you uncomfortable he should be willing to compromise with  you and maybe go once a month or something instead of every sunday.

 

 

 

 

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 11:41 AM
1 mom liked this

 I think the best I can hope for is he'll go over the same amount but he'll do it without DS and I.

Quoting jenmomx3:

 Gotcha...so do you think he will be willing to go over there less if you ask him?

Quoting furbabymum:

 We have Netflix. Netflix doesn't have everything.

He doesn't notice. He doesn't notice because he's not paying attention to anyone but the TV and his plate. I asked him what he thought of his dad's behavior on Easter and he asked me what I was talking about.

I'm not fond of how his parents cook. I try to make his meat rarer than mine but I cook how I cook and if he doesn't like it he can cook his own bloody food.

I'm not going to argue the dysfunction here. I mean there is so much more. His 35 year old, unemployed, pedophile brother lives in his parents basement (the main reason I don't let them babysit). I've had to have talks with these people about not bullying my 2 year old. They're dysfunctional. My DH geos to therapy and he's working through stuff but we can't change his family and in the end they are still his family. Our marriage counselor has told me that repeatedly. I can't change them, just how I react. I'm supposed to get up and leave when I can't take the crazy anymore. His dad was never the kind of guy I could look up to but his behavior toward my MIL has been going downhill fast lately. Easter was just the straw that broke this camels back.

Quoting jenmomx3:

 I guess thats really where I get lost...why is it so important to bring DS around people that abused you??  And I don't know how a grown man will let someone treat his mother badly....he should be standing up for her imo.....and just a question...not trying to offend...but why don't you cook his meat the way he likes it and just cook  yours longer....or learn how to make the food that he likes....and invest in netflix....then maybe he will have more incentive to stay home rather than going there.

Quoting furbabymum:

I don't think he goes for them. I'm pretty sure he likes going over because they have TV (we don't) and cook traditional Mexican meals just the way he likes them. For instance they're a family that still likes their meat bleeding and I want mine cooked to death. So he watches TV and eats and doesn't talk to anyone.

I do not let these people babysit so it's the only time they see our DS as well. If I choose to stay home my DH insists on taking DS.

Quoting jenmomx3:

 I don't understand why its so important for him to be there every week if his childhood was so abusive.  Why would he want to be there every Sunday?? Also, if this is something that makes you uncomfortable he should be willing to compromise with  you and maybe go once a month or something instead of every sunday.

 

 

 

 

 

LilliesValley
by Bronze Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 11:46 AM
Talk to dh. He knows, he has to. How can he stand for his mother to be treated this way? I'd tell dh something changes or he goes alone or not at all. You can have Sunday dinner at your house with just your family. If dh doesn't deal with his family then I do. He doesnr want that so he deals with them.
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mrs.hartman12
by on Apr. 1, 2013 at 11:51 AM
They are still your parents no matter how shitty they were. I know its hard for people to understand but its not easy to cut off your parents.


Quoting jenmomx3:

 I don't understand why its so important for him to be there every week if his childhood was so abusive.  Why would he want to be there every Sunday?? Also, if this is something that makes you uncomfortable he should be willing to compromise with  you and maybe go once a month or something instead of every sunday.


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