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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Wondering if this is how marriage should be, Wondering if this is what I want for life.

Posted by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 7:29 PM
  • 81 Replies

Im currently engaged and havent made a date for the wedding yet, because Im not that into planning weddings and I've been busy with everything. But lately ive been wondering, am I putting it off because I dont have time or is it something else ? Are we right for each other ? 

I love my DF so much, when we have our good times they are great and I couldnt imagine being without him. He is my best friend and we do everything together, we even run a business together. 
But when we have our bad times it is horrible and I wonder why we are doing this. We are - were planning to have a child this year but I find myself putting it off and not wanting it anymore.

Our relationship has a few issues that just never get resolved no matter how much we talk about them and no matter how many times it is said that they will be fixed.

1. He NEVER sleeps in the bed with me at night. I cant even remember the last time he did. He will stay up watching TV until 3am and then instead of coming to bed he sleeps on the couch. Then when I get up around 6am he will go to bed and if I try to go back to bed with him he will kick me out.
We have talked about this many many times and a plan is made to fix it but it never happens, seriously you can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink, meaning there is only so much I can do. Ive even tried making going to bed 'sexy' but he says he will come but doesnt for an hour or so and honesty im not waiting !

2. We have sex once every 2 months is anything. He doesnt see to want to have sex, even when I tell him I want to have more. I brought sexy outfits and showed him but he doesnt seem to want to have sex. I think I am an attractive young women. But this is making me feel terrible about myself. And ive tried to start it in the past but get rejected ! and i cant handle being rejected again so I dont even try to start anything.
I tried kissing him on the couch the other day, but he was watching TV over my shoulder !

3. He watches porn everynight, and has a HUGE porn collection on his computer

4. He yells and swears at me when I go into the bedroom at 10am to get dressed for the day ( I leave it that late so he can sleep in more because he was up all night)
He calls me names and when I say I need to get ready and go out and get on with the day he often storms out of the room and when im done he will go back in an slam the door as hard as he can.
Honestly im just trying to get on with my day ! He says things like how would you like it if I did things in here when you were sleeping ! Well its night time when im sleeping and day time when you are.

5. Because he sleeps all morning I start work on our business early and get most of it done before he is awake and I feel like he doesnt put in his share. And when I have to do things in the afternoon he asks me why im not working !

6. Even though we both work equaly as hard he will NEVER do house work EVER. Its difficult to get him to do the lawns or take out garbage. I wish he would help me, and it makes me wondering he when we have kids will he help or not ?

7. He looks after all the finances and all the business money goes into his private account, and when we have discussed this he just says that i can ask for money when I need it. But If i do want something, he says no we have to save money. I work just as hard and do half the work, i dont feel this is fair.
We have a joint account but he wil never put money into it and says it because he gets a higher interest rate on the other. I am also selling my old car and he has said he wants the money in his account which I dont feel right about. I cant access any of the money and it makes me feel trapped and controlled a little.

I know that some people would just say that i need to talk to him about all this, but I have so many times. and now when i bring it up he doesnt want to talk anymore. I dont know what to do about it. I dont want children in this environment, with him screaming at me because I need to get dressed at 10am and him not sleeping in our bed, its horrible, its like a couple that is fighting about something, but we arent fighting this is 'normal life'

I dont think this is how it is meant to be, I dont want to feel this way towards him, i love him and he loves me. but honesly i dont no how long i can live like this.
Another problem is that our lives are so co-dependant and I worry that because of this that if we were not happy in the future we would just stay anyway.  

i love him and want to be with him but all this isant healthy or normal !

by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 7:29 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Mrs.Kubalabuku
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 7:36 PM
My advice would be to start therapy. If he won't go with you, go alone. Obviously you two have a connection, or it wouldn't have gotten to "engaged" status. But there are clearly issues you need to sort out before you start in. And you need to decide if you even WANT to move forward.
lucky2Beeme
by Silver Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 7:40 PM
5 moms liked this


He looks after all the finances and all the business money goes into his private account, and when we have discussed this he just says that i can ask for money when I need it. But If i do want something, he says no we have to save money. I work just as hard and do half the work, i dont feel this is fair.
We have a joint account but he wil never put money into it and says it because he gets a higher interest rate on the other. I am also selling my old car and he has said he wants the money in his account which I dont feel right about. I cant access any of the money and it makes me feel trapped and controlled a little.

I would insist he put your name on tjhat account or you have no proof that money belongs to both of you .!Until that is done I wouldnt say anything else about whats bothering you. He could tell you were are done and you wont have anything. Do not put the money from the sale of your car into his account. Get yourself an account and from now on 1/2 money earned goes into it. You are equal partners you deserve half and want to protect yourself.


ali840
by Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 7:51 PM
4 moms liked this
Sounds like you already know what you need to do. First things first; you have to get your share of that money! Lie, save a little here and there, whatever you have to do. That has to be your first priority right now. Second, is there any way you can stay in business together and not be romantically involved? That sounds like the best option to me. Therapy might be really helpful for you to decide what you really want. Also, use birth control religiously!! You're right to question the wisdom of bringing a child into this situation. Last, I'm going to sound like an idiot here, but what does DF stand for? I cannot figure it out!
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MommyCrooks
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 7:59 PM
1 mom liked this

i only read maybe the first 4,, and  to be honest i  would leave him...

my husband and i have been together for about 8 yrs,, i have left him a few times for things he wouldnt change.. after a week or two he did change what i wanted.. and if he doesnt care to change to keep you, then maybe its time to find a man who would do anything to keep you..

98765
by Silver Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 8:31 PM
9 moms liked this

DO NOT HAVE KIDS. I repeat, DO NOT HAVE KIDS. That would be a terrible idea.

Do not even marry him. What kind of business do you run together? Can you buy him out? Or have him buy you out? You need to RUN away from him right now. Run far. A true man who really loves you does not treat you this way. Ever. He will never call you names, he will not have secrets form you, he will do his fair share and make everything as even as possible.

it's over honey. Move on and get the better man you deserve. Stand up for yourself and your self-worth. Leave. 

Shelly123
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 8:42 PM

I would leave him alone something is wrong with him and hes a user. Why would you let him take control of the account and not have access to it?  No, thats more than a "little control".  That old  adage "People only do what you you allow them to do" applies, I dont blame him a all, he know he c an run over you.  If thats love I sure would hate to read how he treats a person he hates.  It seems like you to would benefit by just remaining business partners /friends if possible.  Who knows if you stand up to him and demand your respect he may change, until then he will continue to take your kindness for being a fool.  I have been married for twelve years let me tell you this is no relationship, the fact that he dont want to be intimate should tell you something.  Please go to counceling if he wont go then you better go for yourself.  Good Luck

Shelly123
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 8:47 PM
1 mom liked this

 


Quoting ali840:

Sounds like you already know what you need to do. First things first; you have to get your share of that money! Lie, save a little here and there, whatever you have to do. That has to be your first priority right now. Second, is there any way you can stay in business together and not be romantically involved? That sounds like the best option to me. Therapy might be really helpful for you to decide what you really want. Also, use birth control religiously!! You're right to question the wisdom of bringing a child into this situation. Last, I'm going to sound like an idiot here, but what does DF stand for? I cannot figure it out!

DF - Dam Fool

 

charity62
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 9:06 PM

 i would leave him he is not acting like he loves you and he sound controlling

ali840
by Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 10:52 PM
That's funny! I got it though! Dear Fiance, right?

Quoting Shelly123:

 




Quoting ali840:

Sounds like you already know what you need to do. First things first; you have to get your share of that money! Lie, save a little here and there, whatever you have to do. That has to be your first priority right now. Second, is there any way you can stay in business together and not be romantically involved? That sounds like the best option to me. Therapy might be really helpful for you to decide what you really want. Also, use birth control religiously!! You're right to question the wisdom of bringing a child into this situation. Last, I'm going to sound like an idiot here, but what does DF stand for? I cannot figure it out!

DF - Dam Fool


 

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ali840
by Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 10:53 PM
You should really read #7. It's the real kicker.

Quoting MommyCrooks:

i only read maybe the first 4,, and  to be honest i  would leave him...

my husband and i have been together for about 8 yrs,, i have left him a few times for things he wouldnt change.. after a week or two he did change what i wanted.. and if he doesnt care to change to keep you, then maybe its time to find a man who would do anything to keep you..

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